I apologize

First off let me start with an apology..for the last week I've been thinking about posting when I am not feeling at rock bottom and of course I didn't so here's another post of me losing it...which I am sorry for. It's also on those days that I have a tough time commenting so my comments have dropped. I really do have whole days of doing fine but it seems like I only post on the bad ones. I'll try to remedy that in the future but for today it's a not so nice one.

We went to our follow up apt for the IVF which ended up being a follow up to the IVF and the shit storm of a roller coaster we got onto with the pregnancy after the IVF.

I actually had been doing pretty well this week until today. I didn't realize how depressing this conversation was going to be. I was not at all prepared.

The gist of it is of course we can continue to try and get pregnant but there's really a very slim chance that we will ever end up with a live healthy baby from a union of my egg and his sperm. Donor and embryo adoption are pretty much off the table too. I'm on the cusp of 42 with two prior uterine surgeries and 4 pregnancy losses. The odds are not with us.

We can go as far as doing IVF with PGD and maybe doing several IVF freezing the embryos and then testing to do one mother of a transfer...in fact we could go all the way to gestational surrogate at that point. We could.

We could do as little as just let nature take its course and see if the next embryo sperm combination could grow..or the next. She confirmed though that my chance of having another miscarriage due to my age is already quite good and that adding in the uterine difficulties I've had it's daunting.

We could do any combination within that range including ovulation induction with IUI including doing a massive IVF type induction and then doing only the IUI portion since with me it seems to be an embryo numbers game and not an issue with our egg and sperm getting together.

Basically she's not telling us to do any of these or quit which I suppose is good but at the same time it's quite bad. She basically said. You can get pregnant and it's possible that you could create a viable embryo and it won't hurt you *physically* to try but it's a pretty long shot. What's more likely is that I would miscarry again...and again.

I think about putting this behind me.
I think about trying again and just being brave.
I think about adoption.
I think about the what ifs of all of the scenarios.
I'm exhausted.

It was a very sad visit. She knows and we know that it is likely over for us and that is just so sad it's hard to even comprehend how sad it is.

I now have a massive headache and didn't finish a massive report that I need to get done and all I want to do is go to bed and have a long sleep.

A Bitter Pill and nothing to wash it down

It's happening all the fuck over again.

During my first pregnancy a coworker was also pregnant. Of course she went on to have a beautiful baby girl and I became aquainted with pain and methotrexate.

During my second pregnancy a co worker was also pregnant. Having been told that my first loss was a fluke, a one in a lifetime bad luck event. I was blissfully comparing notes with her and discussing things. We had even talked beforehand about getting pregnant and ovulation predictor kits etc. Then she stayed pregnant and went on to have a beautiful baby boy and I became aquainted with loss and pain.

Now they are both pregnant again. One kindly stopped by my cube to let me know but not before I'd heard it through the grapevine and the other just posted it to facebook.

I am bitterness personified. I think another one is pregnant for the third time she just hasn't announced it yet.

Oh and I bumped into a former coworker on a walk and she had her little one that she had while I worked with her and oh yes, twins in tow that she's had since she left.

I got a thank you card from my friend who just had her first at 41...all natural..no complications.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't wish any ill will towards any of these ladies or there pregnancy in fact the complete opposite, I fret over them and pray(which I don't normally do) that things go absolutely perfectly for them.

BUT. WTF can't it be me. I mean why is is so easy for everyone else(I mean fertile biatches) and so unfairly cruel to others.

It is so unfair. It is soooooo unfair. It feels like a thousand tiny cuts a day. The only thing getting me through is expensive coffee drinks and alcohol..I'm sorry but it's true.

I just want to be alone

Alone is hard to come by lately and normally I wouldn't complain

But...it's only when I'm alone that I can feel what I really feel without concern that I will worry people or freak people out with the intensity of my emotion regarding what some think I need to put behind me.

I am mostly fine but if I really think about what's happened I'm forever changed.

I have been enjoying the season with only the occasional outburst of "she gets to be pregnant?" type thinking or something similar. At times though I am surprised and saddened at the lack of "Keening" that I am able to do or that others are doing on my behalf. Isn't this sad? Why is everyone trying to pretend it's not?

The stars are not wanted now put out every one
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood
For nothing now can ever come to any good

I know it could be worse...believe me I know. I know this is not the saddest outcome in this realm or the saddest problem people have in the world at large...I know..but it could also be much better than it was..is.. and I am mourning my loss alone in a world that doesn't recognize it or doesn't want to acknowledge it.

Sweep it under the rug, pretend you aren't sad. That's 99% of my day. The other 1% is mine and I am fucking gutted. I wanted a child..I want my four children. Maybe they weren't children in other's sense of the word but the spark was there and I want them back and for that 1% of my day when no one is looking, I keen for them as hard as any mother could.

What's next?

I've been thinking about what's next...A LOT.

I don't know if it's too soon but my mind wants to jump there. It's a very confusing place since my mind and body says "I NEVER WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN". This being, get pregnant and miscarry....I mean no one wants that but at just shy of 42 years old and a RPL'r my odds are quite good that if we try this again it will go the same way.

My other part..the part of me that wants a baby says "We got pregnant, how crazy is that? If we could do that again maybe, just maybe it will work out."

and then the other part screams..."I WILL NOT GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN."

So where that leaves us is at adoption, which is a solution to the emptiness that I would feel of having a childless home...

Does that leave us with donor egg options? I don't think so. Still, my mind wanders there.

Child free living? It has its advantages, I can see that, but I can also understand how desolate it feels right now and maybe that's just right now? Maybe I will feel better about that option as time goes on?

Some things that I've been struggling with also that I find completely unfair but I'm sure are fairly common:

the feeling that I did something wrong

the feeling that I am not good enough - that I am being punished

the feeling that if we are this unlucky that other bad things will happen (I have a grave fear that I will lose DH and it turns out he has the same fear. We are clinging to each other like drowning sailors)

the feeling that I've let people down

the feeling that I am somehow less in other aspects of my life, that people will shy away from me and my "bad news". I think this comes from the fact that it actually happens...people don't know what to say and do so they shy away from interactions.

I know those feelings are false and fabricated by my mind in response to what's happening but it's exhausting dealing with them.

On a slightly happier note, I've decided to do it up for the holidays. Send cards, decorate and just really drink it all in. I really want to.

are you f-ing kidding me?

She's pregnant with #20. Seriously? Did I need this slap in the face with my morning coffee?

I'm really doing pretty well considering. Every day is just harder than I wish it were and yesterday I had some desperate thoughts about wishing I could go back in time to when there was still hope...so I could just feel it a little longer.

If the universe would stop kicking me in the gut with pregnancy announcements I might just be able to get back on my feet.

It just gets better

Came in to work today, holding it together, getting things done. Coworker stops by, how am I (Boss told everyone I was sick). Short chat. Then he announces, his wife is due in March...Fuck me.

Holding back tears now and wanting to run away.

It's done

It was awful. I'm sorry but it was. From picking up the pills at the pharmacy to the excruciating pain last night for several hours. The whole thing was awful.

But...I feel better today. Physically I feel like myself again. Still with a cloud of sadness hanging over me but at the same time with a little spring in my step physically.

Thankfully I had DH go with me to the pharmacy because as the pharmacist was counseling me and said, you will insert 4 pills into the...I burst into tears. Not just a little teary eyed. It was ugly, sobbing, can't catch my breath tears. Poor woman. I tried to apologize to her and then ran away down the aisle to DH who walked me out to the car and went back and finished up the transaction. To her credit she said "I'm so sorry" at least four times to me.

As soon as I got back in the car I was better and DH and I went home and I was going to wait for the weekend and I just decided I had to get it done, the anxiety was killing me. So I took 1 painkiller, and inserted the pills...then panicked and took a second pain killer - the max dose. Thankfully I did because in an hour I got up to use the restroom and it had started but I hadn't really felt anything. I thought I might get through this alright. Another hour later though and I was moaning on the couch praying for time to pass so that I could take some more pain pills, rocking and getting up carefully to pass a lot of "stuff". I made quite a mess. That part didn't bother me and I was able to identify the GS as well as open it to look for any signs of an embryo. I didn't find anything identifiable which was somewhat of a relief.

I spent a good majority of the night in quite a bit of pain. I think DH was well and truly freaked out. He held it together though and helped me all evening.

Today I am sore...that's the only word to describe it but I think everything went as well as I could have expected so I feel some comfort in that.

I think I may have to intervene

Nausea when you are in the midst of a precious pregnancy is one thing. Nausea and headache when you already know it's over are another entirely. I thought maybe once my body realized the crinone was gone it would do what needed to be done...and I realize it's only Tuesday and my last dose was Sunday but this is torture.

I don't want surgery. I just don't want to go under again, each surgery in the past couple of years have had me saying.."ok this is the last one" only to find myself going under again. I just won't do it.

So that leaves me with the dreaded hoo ha pills and from what I've googled and from what the Dr said it won't be pretty but it will be over fairly quickly. So that's the plan. I am going to speak to DH when he gets home from work and tell him what I've decided and then call the Dr in the am to order the meds. I just hope I'm not on the wrong side of the odds once again, ending up in the ER with an emergency D&C for bad bleeding...like some of the women I read about online....I am beginning to hate Dr Google.

I wasn't as catatonic today and actually worked from home accomplishing a good amount. I am going to go in tomorrow. I think it will help with re-animation.

I'm more angry than sad but then at odd moments I burst into tears. Humpf.

No hope.

I went in this morning and there's no heartbeat. I got to see it with my own eyes. The sac is now 2cm and placenta still has good blood flow but there's minimal growth in the fetal pole and no hb.

It's all done. I'm either numb or crying. I feel like my miracle's been snatched from my hands. It feels really bad.

Dr apologized for how things were handled...I didn't bring up the email I may let her know later that this may not be the best way to deliver this news.

Dr offered a D&C. She said if I try to wait it out it could go on for weeks. She also offered meds but she didn't make those sound good. She said they would cause a lot of painful cramping. She said I could wait a week and see how I feel about the options. Let's just be truthful here, all of the options are big steaming piles of shit. It's just one pile of shit over another to choose from.

I told my boss. He's been good, he offered working from home as an option this week (he offered time off as well but I want to keep my mind occupied). I may do that tomorrow but I think I am going to try and go in on Wed. I need a diversion. Yesterday I sat on the couch or in the bed the entire day, with a look on my face similar to someone in a drug induced haze. I had a friend who needed to take lithium for Bipolar disorder. I felt the way she looked on those days when the lithium had really kicked in.

I've contemplated calling my therapist..I've contemplated just getting my GP to prescribe some anti depressants..but maybe I'll just wait a few days. One thing I know from experience is that this will pass and at some point I will feel a little better and then a little better. I just want to fast forward to that time because right now my spirit is crushed. My faith and hope and belief in good is all used up and gone.

finally news and it's not good

I spent most of this morning on the phone and ended up being told that I would not be able to get any results until Monday because the US order for Friday was not done as a rush order. I talked to radiology, my Dr's office, the nurse line etc.

Then I got an email from my Dr also saying that we wouldn't be getting results until Monday and that she was sorry. I resigned myself to this fact.

Then I got an email from my Dr saying that she did get the results and that during the US "they did not see a fetal pole with a heartbeat this time." She offered to have me come in on Monday for her to do an US so that I could speak with her and to definitively confirm it. She only has one apt time for me to do this which falls during an important mtg I have at work on Monday. I know work should take a lower priority but I can't lose my job..so now I have to tell my boss what's going on. I don't want to discuss it.

She gave me this info in an email. I don't care what you've got going on...that's shitty. Why would she do that? She told me to continue the crinone until Monday....I don't want to prolong things. What would you do?

I am completely devastated and angry and bitter. How long is it going to take me to get back on track with my life, how is this going to affect my relationship, why did this happen to me again?

This feels like the worst day of my life and I want to pretend it's not happening.

still no news, but more info on apt

So still radio silence from our Dr office. We did call both the nurse line and the emergency line who said this is not an emergency...I know that but

Anyway - I didn't explain my apt well last night I was so livid when I was typing. This is how it went.

We arrived at 3 me with a full bladder. She proceeded to do the abdominal US which I have to say is it's own brand of torture with a full bladder. All I could think while she was doing it was "when is she going to be fucking done with this and get on to the real part?"

So she asked me to go empty my bladder, I did, came back and she started the transvaginal. So yes, she did do some of it. What's worriesome to us is that she did some measurements and then my bladder was filling again so she made me run across the hall in my paper blanket and pee again. She said she would then finish the exam but when I came back, she was gone. She was gone for several minutes...so long that I thought maybe I would need to pee again. When she came back she said that she had talked to the Dr and that what she had done already was enough.

That's all we know. DH did not see her measuring HB which he did see very clearly last time and this piece is what has me absolutely devastated.

I realized at about 5am this morning that I have seen notices at my RE's office recently that they are moving. I think the move might have been yesterday. Someone f'd up royally over there. This is completely unacceptable. I don't know if I should continue the progesterone this am. If I needed a D&C it would have been nice to have the option to have it today or yesterday for that matter. WTF?

One thing I know for sure is I am never fucking doing this again. However this turns out, this is my last visit to this place. I thought I was done after the IVF. I am so done now, I need a new word for done.

apt has come and gone

And I know nothing. I am furious with my dr. Dh didn't see the tech measure the hb and she had me go mpty my bladder again to continue and when I got back she was gone. She came back and said she had talked to the dr and what she had done was enough ... now I am waiting in fear and so angry. This isn't news you wait to tell.

the post before THE post

Our third ultrasound apt is today at 3pm and it feels like it's been a lifetime since last Thursday.

I haven't been good for much of anything. I've been completely exhausted and basically either working, lying on the couch or sleeping. The house is a complete disaster. DH is doing a lot and I am so happy he's stepped up. I don't feel well but I am hoping that means we will have good news today. Nausea comes and goes but the fatigue just never lets up. I will be reading during the day at work and my eyes will tear up and close because I just can't keep them open one moment longer. I've also started with this new sensation..it's like right before you realize you are going to pass out and your stomach kind of turns over. It's so hard to describe but I feel it all the time without the passing out thankfully.

I really haven't been freaking out about today's apt. I put a stop to Google searching. I just really needed a break from the what ifs and honestly it helped. I think as much as I want someone to tell me what is going to happen, or to find some piece of evidence that will tell me what is going to happen. No one knows and that's a fact. What also helped is Bunny broadcasting my angst and getting a lot of lovely ladies to come over and give me support. When I realized what was going on I bawled my eyes out at how sweet that was and it was so needed and so appreciated.

Update to Ultrasound

Dan and I were talking last night and come to find out not only did he see her measuring the HB but he saw the numbers. I asked him what they were, which I am now wishing I hadn't. He said she measured twice - 70 and 72 bpm. I didn't believe he really saw what he said because that is so low and not good news. So I emailed my RE and she confirmed that yes, the HR was between 70 - 72bpm. I am devastated. She said it could be too early and we have to be cautiously optimistic which is what everyone keeps saying but everything I've read says it's not good news.

I am still trying to be positive but I don't feel very. Am I misinterpreting the info? Anyone have experience with this? I know a Heartbeat didn't mean I was out of the woods but I felt so much better before I knew the absolute number. In fact I feel downright out of hope right now as everything I've read today says a HR < 100 at this point is almost surely due to chromosomal errors.

Cautiously More Optimistic

We went to our apt this morning at 10am at the RE's office only to get the...sorry I can't see anything conclusive but this time she sent us across town to the radiology dept for a 30 minute long abdominal and transvaginal US. and....we have a heartbeat. The embryo is still measuring small...6 weeks but still could be ok. I've never had a heartbeat before and am a little bummed I didn't get to see it. Since in Radiology they can't show you the screen or tell you anything. Dan did see her measuring bpm and figured out that yes there was a heartbeat so he knew something was there before I did so we were pretty hopeful and awaiting the Dr's call.

So it's good news, but still cautious.. I think that may be measuring small even for not knowing when we ovulated based on when we got our first beta. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I intend to google it for the rest of the afternoon. Dr said it means we remain cautiously optimistic and I go in next week for another radiology scan.

Thank you so much for all of your support this last week. It was excruciating but it helped to have all of you.

I outed myself

I just posted this link to the Redbook videos on my facebook. :)

Struggling with patience

I am having a really hard time. Last night I had a lot of back pain and cramping and today some more sharp cramps. No bleeding. My symptoms are still there, nausea that comes and goes, breasts are sore and bigger, bloated like crazy, very tired but I am on progesterone, and so maybe some of those symptoms can be attributed to that.

I just don't know anything and it's so frustrating. I'll admit that I've already started to move on in my mind. Future planning for what I feel is another inevitable loss. I feel really bad about that. I wish I were more hopeful. I wish I could look inside myself and feel this was going to end well. I'm just really struggling.

I'm headed out in a few minutes to meet friends for lunch when what I really want to do is huddle under the covers and sleep. At least when I'm sleeping I don't worry.

I've been going over and over what my RE said after the US, trying to get her mood into her words. She was very good at not showing emotion. She said to be cautiously optimistic. She said don't run out and tell everyone. She said it could be just too early. She said she might have seen a yolk sac, but couldn't be sure. But I felt the mood in the room change. When I arrived for the apt, the nurse who has been starting off my apts for 2 years was bubbly, we talked about how this happened and how great, and they were so excited for us. Then RE came in, she said some of the same, how happy she was, how exciting. Then after the apt, it was a more somber mood. The nurse waved on our way out and she looked different. It all changed.

I have spent the last three days being hopeful and trying to visualize a positive outcome and I think I've worn it out. Today I just can't feel anything but sad, sad for what we've already been through and sad that this pregnancy seems to be going the same route. How sad.

There's a pinhole in my bubble

The Ultrasound was inconclusive. There is a gestational sac measuring 6 weeks. Possibly a yolk sac. She can't be sure. I have a tipped uterus and apparently she said that makes it harder to see because the top of your uterus is farther away from the probe. I guess I could be around 6 weeks give or take a couple of days. I guess this could be ok. I just don't know and it's hard to not hear the air hissing out of my bubble.

It's just so disheartening. We've been through this before with Pregnancy #2. I don't know what else to say. We go back next Thursday to see if she can see anything.

I haven't cried, I just am a little numb. I did have a momentary thought on the way home...kind of a "why bother putting us through this again universe? What's the point?" and then I decided to squash that kind of thinking.

As far as I know I am still..pregnant today.

You must keep your stress down

That's what I am getting IRL. With two days to my scan I get more and more agitated. Meditative breath is my friend. It is so hard to keep my mind from wandering back to the other three scans. All bad news. All devastating. I imagine a tiny embryo wit a heartbeat. I picture the congratulations and tears of joy but it feels fake....and I feel I will be punished for the audacity to dream of this good outcome. I am pregnant today..I am pregnant today..my new mantra.mantra

A very nice increase

The HCG shows a very nice increase consistent with a growing pregnancy ! That's what my Dr said! 7,396....I've definitely never been here before and I feel very hopeful now. US on Wed...Please let the good news continue.

I'm glad

I'm really glad that I am pregnant and at this point. Even if it means worry and I don't know the outcome, I am just really grateful.

Going in at 6:30 to get another HCG level. I'm grateful for that too.

just not sure

I'm not feeling as exhausted as I was. The nausea is there but not worse. I called and asked for more bloodwork but what if it's bad news? I will go get it drawn tomorrow so at least I will have one more datapoint before the long wait until next Wednesday.

Future Planning Panic

Ok...still adjusting my attitude, but freaking out a little bit.

My Re's office suggested that I schedule my OB apt - you know the one that I've never made it to...the you're actually, probably going to have a live baby one...(they suggest this to everyone after two good Betas)

So I did call, which was good because my OB books up early as I remember and come to find out she only works two days a week now and is even harder to book...

Two things. I love her, and she handled my ectopic and miscarriages with so much compassion and care that I have some deep feelings of respect and a little love, as odd as that sounds, for her. BUT...I am afraid to go back there...to go back to her...I mean as far as pregnancy goes she's only given me bad news....and that sort of erases the 10+ years of great Gyne care I got from her..I know it wasn't her fault but I picture myself getting US in her office and my whole body feels how bad it felt to get the bad news. All over again.

I think I need to find another OB but then again am I over reacting? I also really want her level of care. I need someone who knows and understands what I've been through and she does.

Look at me future planning....that's Anxiety attack #2. Spoke to OB's office and scheduled a 10 week apt. Which should be fine as I would graduate at about 8 from RE (who I also love). Lovely nurse who called me back from OB suggested I attend the OB orientation class....on what to expect at my apts and what to do now to ensure a healthy pregnancy etc...and while I know a lot more than most newly pregnants, it sounded lovely...and I was excited for a moment...so I booked it....the evening of my US on 10/12....hence my anxiety....what was I thinking?

I go back and forth between "Who do I think I am future planning." to "We promised ourselves we were going to go forward as if everything is going to work out and not burden this time with negativity"

I am trying...I am really trying to do what I need to do but I have to admit...it is scary no matter how many attitude adjustments I make. It's just plain scary.

Just a note - somehow t.a.r.g.e.t knows I am pregnant....I got a big book of baby coupons from them....what on earth?

Attitude Adjustment

That's what these last couple of days have been about. Adjusting my attitude. See I decided that since this will likely be the last time I am pregnant(*I won't say that positively but likely) I decided I am going to enjoy it. Easier said than done, so it's been 100 small attitude adjustments a day. Things seem to be going well. I was crampy yesterday and had some odd fullness in places that didn't feel awesome. Terrible back aches in the middle of the night. My Boobs are off and on sore, and everything smells different. I've had two gaggy episodes and this morning I was insanely hungry and nauseous all at the same time. I am reveling in the nausea..I never had it like this. Not even close. Bring it on. I have no complaints. Just please keep bringing it.

I POAS..and it was so satisfying I did a small dance. How could it be satisfying when I already knew I was pregnant? I guess it's just a visual that made it all real.

I know this could all go differently at any moment but I am going to continue to adjust my attitude to imagining it going well. I figure I can enjoy this process that I may never get to enjoy again, or I can ruin it by imagining the worst..easier said than done, but I will keep trying 100 times a day.

Still good news

I checked my droid in bed this morning at 4 am and saw the email my Dr sent at 10:41 pm - "The HCG level is showing a very nice rise looks promising ! Beta HCG = 673"

I have my US scheduled for 10/12. How will I pass the time until then?

Weird thing - DH wants me to pee on a stick. It's not that he doesn't believe that I am pregnant..I think he just wants to see a positive one for once. I understand how he feels.

No news

I got up early and went to get my second set of bloodwork thinking at least tonight I'll know where we stand..but no. I still have not heard anything. Now if I thought this was going to happen I would have called the office earlier before they closed but usually they are right on top of this stuff and the Dr gets back to me after hours anyway so I though that was what would be happening.... So I don't know anything more.

I've gone back and forth today between wondering if they got my labs from Monday mixed up with someone else's, am I not pregnant but I have some other strange issue going on that I haven't read about on Google that makes you have hcg in your system, running to the bathroom because I feel like I am bleeding. and then on from there.

It's just so hard to wrap my head around this and I really could have used that second beta level today as reassurance that I am not crazy. I've gone back to read my Dr's email instructions multiple times because I start to doubt that this is really happening.

We have not been pregnant since June of 2009. All of the treatments cycles and natural cycles we did, peeing on sticks, injecting myself with needles, taking my temperature, not drinking, no caffiene, no sushi, no heavy exercise. We've gone through a lot of good healthy sperm, and many many follicles. Big nothing. Honestly after the IVF I really felt that I had passed over into a time when it was impossible for me to get pregnant again. I approached this last month as if it was never going to happen. I was working on getting my head around that. DH and I talked about birth control...and then said why bother..I mean really why?

I realize how miraculous it is that I am even pregnant, I mean I GET IT and I am completely dumbfounded by it and if it's not too much to ask, I'd really like it to be real and to continue. I rubbed my belly today and told the little one in there to hang on as hard as possible, that I really really want you to come into this world and we will love you like nobodies business if you do. I also said, if you can't hold on I understand that too, and I realize what a miracle it is that you were even here. I now believe in miracles and my hope is restored.

I am an urban legend..at least for the meantime

So I still have not gotten my period. I stopped using pregnancy tests last week, and email the Dr on Friday to ask her how long I should wait for a period. She scheduled some tests including a pregnancy test as a formality. She suggested that it was likely persistent cysts from the IVF. I wasn't able to go for the blood work over the weekend as we went out of town with friends. So I went this morning. Over the weekend I had a good bit of champagne, ate a bunch of food and did quite a bit of exercise. I have been checking email all day to see if there was an email from my Re and about 20 minutes ago I got an email saying I am pregnant. HCG = 286 and Progesterone = 24. I am in shock. Complete and utter shock. I mean I can't even comprehend what this could mean, I had completely thought this would never happen again. I don't even know what to say. I don't know how far along I could even be. I don't know if the above numbers are good or bad. I know that the last time I tested I got negatives and that was about a week ago with really sensitive tests.

I did everything right for so many cycles. I have to tell you when I read the email I showed it to DH and then burst into tears at what a horrible human being I am to have put all of the crap into my body that I have been. But seriously I had no hope...NO HOPE. and I feel bad about that too.

Is this my baby? OMG is this my baby? How am I going to hold it together through the next few weeks?

Now I am going to Google the above numbers...I don't know if that's a bad thing or a good thing.

What is happening right now, I am seriously in Shock...

Will you just bleed already?

Seriously- self? What the f is going on? 32 days? Really. Normally 26 but who the f is counting? You MoFO. I spent $40 on pregnancy tests...you had me thinking I was an urban legend. "Woman pregnant naturally after failed IVF" (I dreamed about how I'd post it) No....just woman completely fucked by IVF. Too old to create good eggs. Probably cystic or annovulatory - Infertile possibly in Menopause because she used up her last follicles on IVF. At the very least hormonally compromised, fat and sad from IVF.

Reality: "Woman trying to hold it the fuck together after failed IVF" Would it have been too fucking much to ask to get my period on time? Would it? No? Instead I am bloated and moody and tired and crampy and fucking feeling like shit. Like f.u.c.k.i.n.g shit. I'm surprised I've been able to hold on to my job this long. Honestly. I seriously hate anyone who crosses my path. I am officially BITTER. I feel bad for those who work with me, for me. I apologize - I really do.

BUT

Fuck You universe...just fuck you?

"I apologize....for the inherent foul mouth...but I just can't fucking help it...I am pissed and my PA is showing." Really the swearing is all I have. I've been stripped of dignity by one too fucking many pelvic exams.

It is not good. Not good at all. My only saving grace is that I am bright enough to hold onto my job without a "dear" amount of effort(mind you I won't advance and people will wonder but I will be OK) and that I don't have anyone except furry or feathered friends to count on me...I mean DH is self sufficient. How long will he put up with the "Bitter" Wife? Conversation about our "Love life" tonight included an aspect where we talked about BJ's and how he's not getting any...ever.....I mean 4 years kind of never....that kind of frivolous item went far by the wayside...didn't it? I know I am not the only one...guess it better get back on the menu at some point. Oh who the fuck cares.

Meanwhile I can barely make sure my clothes are on right side out and I've brushed my teeth before I leave the house and pretend I am enamored by data. What am I so sad about? I know but does anyone else? I am sooooo alone. Just surrounded by people and devastatingly, crushingly alone.

I'm sorry if I haven't commented..I can't even comment on my own sad commentary..I can't imagine what I'd say or how it would be helpful in any way. My mediation for fertility group has even shunnned me...no one wants to be around the sad clown.
I am a sad clown. Fucking, cloyingly, devastatingly, unbelievably sad.

Life is good...and not so good

I've been hanging in there. I've gained some weight and at times had a bit too much to drink. There have been some really low days and some not so bad days.

All in all I am fine. I've been cutting myself some slack and letting things just ...happen.

I find myself checking in on you all much less often because I feel I've moved sideways. No longer trying. Not becoming a mother. Not really sure where I am going. Realizing I miss you and checking in but finding the check in very painful at times.

I don't belong anymore but I don't want to leave and maybe it's not, not belonging but a reinvention that's required.

This community has meant so much to me but my current state makes it impossible to bear...I think I wish it all away and reading and commenting means it's real...if I am honest.

What the heck do I do now?

I'm really lost.

Went to work yesterday after having Friday and Monday off....it was awful. Truly awful. During this whole IVF fiasco I secretly interviewed with another dept that I really want to get into. Once I had gotten past the "are you even qualified" conversations (and I was) I was going to formally apply but then a former employee got wind of the job and had just slightly better qualifications than me and swooped in and took my dream position right out from under me. Luckily I had only secretly and unofficially interviewed so I don't look like a complete ass in my current position.

Having the job not work out was bad, I was disappointed but knowing that IVF was going so well and feeling that maybe this was better, not to start a super stressful new position during a time when I would be pregnant etc...and then how would that look if I told them "Oh by the way, I'll be out on maternity in a few months". I somehow saw this working out for the best..but now. Going into work is torture. I didn't get into my dream dept and cool new job and feel like such a loser and I am not pregnant and by all indications will never be again (please understand I don't say this lightly, I have lots of history to back it up). Not only am I not pregnant...I don't really like my current job very much. I am so over it and it turns out I've been hanging on mostly so that on the off chance I get pregnant I can take advantage of the sweet maternity leave benefits at this company. I've put up with a lot of crap here based on the fact that I am going to get pregnant any minute and I don't want to start a new job with all the stress etc...while I am going through this.

Well...it seems I am not going through this anymore. Now wtf do I do? I don't even know what I want to do. I've been thinking some crazy thoughts today. Like I always wanted to live in Alaska...maybe now's the time for that? Or Hawaii for that matter. Screw it. I can do whatever I want! The sad part is, when I go down this line of thinking...what I really want is a house full of kids regardless of where we live.

As for future IVF's. I am unwilling to spend the money(which we don't have and would have to borrow), the time(I have no PTO left...none), the heartache on trying again. I did however look into grants and thought about something I could do part time to make additional money...I also tried to research companies in the area that pay for it...the heartache part..now that's the part I don't know how to troubleshoot...

It's 3 am and I must be lonely

Well really it's now 6am but I've been up since three. Catching up on posts on Resolve, letting everyone on the roll call know I am BFN reading successful and not so succesful stories.

I can't quiet my mind, I just keep going over and over the last two weeks..what did I do, what when wrong? Retracing my steps. "Ok last I saw the embryos there were three 8c1's, two of those were already compacting, and one 6cd. I saw them go shooting into my uterus. I rested and talked to DH about how happy we were to be at this point. I finally peed, got dressed and then we came home and I rested"...then what happened. It's there I get stuck because of course there are no answers. I have no information, but it doesn't stop me doing it again a little later. Did I do too much? Did I get too stressed with cutting my finger, with people staying with us. Should I not have lifted my friends baby? Did I eat the wrong thing? Was the acupuncture really counter productive? Am I being punished because I tested too early? Was I too negative? Was it because I couldn't believe and visualize the embryo's implanting? WTF did I do to cause this not to work????

I wish we had done assisted hatching. We didn't like the idea of it, and didn't like the risks with it but maybe that's why this didn't work and it now seems silly to me that we didn't just do EVERYTHING we could while we were at it.

I am still haunted as well by the faint BFP's..I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the makers of those tests..they were obviously wrong, I mean I didn't even have a hint of hcg in my bloodwork so it's not like this was a missed miscarriage (although this cycle feels closer to my miscarriages than all the other times when we've tried and failed and maybe they shouldn't show you the embryos before you do this). I know I shouldn't have tested. I know. But I did and there were lines and I looked at the tests before throwing them out and the lines were still there. So WTF does that mean?

My acupuncturist was very surprised with our BFN - sent me an email to keep up with the dietary changes until I decide what to do next..I think I must not have told him that we were only doing the one IVF...and I am not even sure if we are going to forgo birth control now. I mean do I really want to keep going through this at any level?

Once again I am at the place of quitting and it's completely unacceptable because the consequences of quitting are a child free life that I am not ready to accept but the consequences of continuing to do what has caused us so much pain for so many years is also unacceptable.

I had ice cream for two meals yesterday and a beer with dinner. It didn't help me feel better at all. My DH was a little worried that I would go overboard..sort of a rebound effect and a little bit of drowning my grief in food and drink but it was such an inadequate comfort that I didn't even want to.

still not a mother

It was negative both the test I took this morning and my beta. I've cried most of the day. Why couldn't it just work? We are devastated.

Having a rough morning

Well here I am...4am...I can't sleep and I've been crying off and on for an hour.

Last night I found out (right before bedtime from DH) that dear friends of ours just found out their baby had died at 14 weeks. They didn't want to tell a lot of people but we had a few people over for dinner last night and they were unable to make it. One of the guests spilled to DH why they weren't there.

I am just devastated for them. Why does this fucking happen? It's so unfair. I know there are no answers to those questions but they just keep going through my head.

I'm also taking this very personally and having a hard time seeing a positive outcome for DH and I. I mean this loss is what we know. We don't know successful pregnancy outcomes personally and I am having a really hard time right now imagining things going well for us. Then the guilt starts about how this line of thinking is not good for me or any embryos I might have in my uterus.

Fuck.

I also don't know what to do for my friends. You'd think I might have picked up some ideas along the way...or know what I would want...but I don't. I go back and forth between wanting to run over there and take care of them and not knowing what to do at all.

am i crazy?

Well..I see a faint line again today but DH says he thinks it could be the grey line on the test when you open it...but I compared the new and the used and I still see a line. So no more news today.

I feel very down and I am trying so hard to stay positive but I've been really crampy.

We have some friends staying with us. They have two little ones. It's hard. I feel like that will never be me.

Really Yucky Oweeeeee

Well today has not been a good day. I spent two hours in urgent care after I almost cut the end of my finger off making a lovely Kale, parm and lemon salad. I was chiffonading and got a little cocky..

The Dr took off the nail to stitch up the nail bed and even with tons of lidocaine(which hurt worse than all of my stim shots combined)..I still FELT EVERYTHING. mofo

Now it throbs.

I hope this stress doesn't hurt the embryo(s) that I hope are safely implanted in my uterus. I feel a lot of guilt right now that this added stress may cause them harm. Just one more thing to worry about. Also the Dr told me to put Polysporin on it when I clean it..and um I just read on Dr Google that it's a class C drug...now I don't know what to do. I told him I was potentially pregnant...I mean you think he might have told me class C. He made a point to tell me Lidocaine is class B. I guess I'll be making a crazy call to my RE in the am to see if she thinks I should use it.

Oh and I POAS this afternoon. Yeah..I did that. I feel like a dumb ass. It was faintly positive..I think...ever so faint as to think maybe I might also be losing my mind but I realized after the fact that it could possibly still be trigger. My Beta day is Friday. I'm a dumb ass. I am 6dp3dt or 9dpo. What on earth is wrong with my will power?

I think I better go meditate on the positive if I can ignore the throbbing finger.

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to us! We are married for four years and for most of it we've been trying to get pregnant, and recovering from RPL. It did not escape me that we chose almost exactly the same sentiment on our cards for each other. Something along the lines of "The roads been hard, but I've been glad that you are there with me." Hmph. It was a nice night, but since I am on "pelvic rest" and my energy turns off like a switch sometime mid evening it was not that exciting or thrilling. Hopefully we have many years for thrilling in our future.

In other news it's 5:30 am. and I've been tossing and turning for about an hour. I think it's odd and slightly irritating that I can't keep my eyes open at night to save my life and yet now I have not a hint of that tiredness. I mean COME ON it's Saturday morning!

Yesterday during the day I got pretty down. Hormonal probably. I was thinking of how fucked up it was that we were hoping that multiple embryos would take so that if RPL reared it's head we would be able to lose some and still end up with a live take home baby. I mean how messed up of a world am I in right now that this is what I am hoping for? I know, I should be happy that we got as many embryos as we did and that they all went in without a hitch and I am most of the time but I still think it's f'd up. The whole thing.

My mother sent me the funniest and craziest text..and I don't know how I was not annoyed with her, I would have thought something like this would annoy the crap out of me..but I laughed out loud in my cube! She said "Are my grandbabies nestling in and taking nourishment so that they can grow strong?" and I can totally hear her tone, the smile so maybe it's sillier and sweeter in my ear than anyone elses but it made me so happy and giggly and also struck me as so funny. On the flip side I know this IF and RPL has been hard on her. I hope for her sake and mine (and everyone rooting for us) that this works. I will not only feel sad for me if it doesn't but I will feel I've let everyone else down as well.

4dp3dt

My cold is calming down. I think it's the nasal rinses I've been doing..if you don't do them when you have a cold you should, they are genius along the same lines as Lasix for me a miracle really.

Anyway off my soapbox about that.

I am a week into the two week wait and I am freaking out a little bit. I woke up at 2am to pee and couldn't get back to sleep. I've been on Dr Google for just about an hour and decided to come blog so I could at least get my thoughts in order and my sanity back and stop reading about symptoms I can't possibly have or reading about when to begin testing. I don't plan to test on my own. I plan to just do the Beta at the office but I've been known to cave before.

Progesterone supplementation is evil. It's making me all uncomfortable down there, my boobs are ginormous and sore, I'm slightly nauseous and vacillate between constipation and the other. I'm so thirsty that sometimes I feel like putting my head directly in the sink and drinking out of the faucet going full force. I'm so exhausted but I can't sleep through the night and I have to get up at least once to use the restroom.

Enough complaining. I am also oddly grateful to be at this point. To have the possibility of being pregnant again. To have clear evidence that there are embryos in my uterus *of course I realize they may have stopped growing but I have no evidence past the transfer so that's what I am sticking with*. I feel like I should be sticking myself with needles too, like I should be doing something...it feels odd to not.

When I got the cold DH said "that's a good sign". When I took my bra off last night and was clearly up a cup size he said "oh that's a good sign" Me I know that those are all on the list of side effects of the progesterone but I'll let him feel good for a bit. What's the harm? I'm really trying not to be a buzz kill.

I guess I am really in limbo and just trying to hold on as best I can. It either will or it won't happen and I have contingency plans for both. In fact if it doesn't work I know a particular ice cream confection I will be having ASAP, the commercial for it's been running for days and I don't usually eat that sort of processed product but if I get a negative Beta I will absolutely be getting it that day. I have plans for after the ice cream as well but that's my first step of the Beta day. It's nice to have a plan.

If I get a positive Beta I have all sorts of other plans but they are more vague and unformed since a positive Beta for me means only step one in a long list of milestones to accomplish before I can be ...what's the word....happy? Optimistic? Hmmm...I guess this isn't the most positive post. What is that saying "Past behavior is an indicator of future"? I hope I can buck the past behavior is all I am sayin..but I feel the need to be cynical to protect for the future.

I'm sick

It seems like every time we really "try" I get a cold. What is that? Stress?

I have a full blown cold. I felt fine on Monday, then Monday night I started sneezing and then Tuesday all day sneezing and runny nose and then towards the afternoon I had to go home. I can't deal with this.

I have taken off time for IVF I don't have time to take off for this. So I sent a sad note to my boss about working from home, and hoping that this does not cause the perception that I am slacking off...but the reality is I am. I mean I am not working the 150% that everyone else is and it's upsetting. I didn't plan to work 150% this month - I planned to coast a little, take of time for apts etc but now wth...I am trying to work but my mind is full of fuzz. I have a big report I have to finish this week and all of my other work. Really bad timing for this cold, that's all I have to say.

Hopefully if I pump myself full of juice I will feel better soon.

And now we wait.

It's done. 4!

We went today for our transfer and we transferred 2 excellent quality already starting to compact embryos, one excellent quality and one poor quality - which my RE said was worth putting in because it would secrete hormones that could help the others. So there you have it 4 eggs fertilized and 4 embryos transferred. Alrighty then. I'm just a little nervous that we could be hit with a multiple pregnancy...just a tiny bit. I mean even if we are my RE says the likelihood of all of them surviving with my history would be slim. That's a sobering thought. I'm glad we put the fourth one in and to be honest I'm glad there are none to be frozen. I don't like the idea of that fourth one dying in the lab..and not having frozen ones means that my next steps are decided for me if this doesn't work out, this is really it.

I honestly had no idea how emotional today would be - I thought it would not be a big deal, but I cried when the embryologist told us we had three excellent embryos. I didn't see that coming. I was really nervous too all last night, and couldn't sleep. I did two back to back meditations to relax my mind.

When the took us back to the OR the embryologist showed us our four little ones in the microscope and I cried again and said something like..."Amazing". And then I was in awe when the DR put them in and on the US there was this flash of light...in my uterus. It was very profound.

Now I wait. I'm feeling very calm.

one more step.

4 embryos two from the three we ICSI'D Two from the other four. I'm excited to be at this point but cautious. I feel a lot better today. Had my abdominal massage this morning and was given moxa sticks icks to burn and hold over 5 acupressure points apparently my abdomen is still too cold.

lucky 7?

7 eggs retrieved. Feeling ok. Off to sleep now.

Trigger tonight. ER on Friday!

Apparently these follies are overachievers. Two are already at 21. Doc said she did not expect this. Acupuncture and a healthy diet? I hope it doesn't screw things up. Sounds like those two will be way too big by Friday.

I feel good otherwise but dh and I are not seeing eye to eye. He is driving me crazy and getting whiney and then I say things like. " did you give yourself six shots today?" Which is totally juvenile.
I think this too shall pass.

Update: earlier...shots read shits....ooops :)

can i go to bed now?

I am so tired..

Apt this morning was good except I thought originally I was going to have er on Thursday but now looks like Saturday which means more of everything.

Also my lining is 6.5. She thinks she might have measured one of my fibroids last time. S till 10 follies ranging from 10 to 18

I think it's good news

I had my US and Bloodwork yesterday which was day 8 of my cycle day 5 of stims.

I had 10 follicles and an E2 of 909 with a nice lining over 8! The only negative was one follicle was already at 15..and the others ranged from 6 - 12. Most were 8-10. So my RE was happy that I responded but not happy about that leading follice at 15. I go in tomorrow to see how everythings going. She said we may have to sacrifice that follicle which I understood to mean it would grow too large by the time the others catch up - but with 9 others, I have to say I am pleased. I was expecting to A. Be Cancelled. B. Have some other strange problem I hadn't heard of yet. So this was all good to me. I just hope it continues tomorrow.

DH and I went away overnight and I had to do the shots in the hotel rm. It was fine. I did get a little obsessive about germs but I tried to reign it in.

In other news, I AM BLOATED. It's not pretty. I have a rubber band holding my pants together and the only reason I don't have my pajamas on is we have a guy working on some electrical so I felt the need to be more clothed.

The other issue I am having is with fatigue. I could literally lay down and go to sleep right now..in fact I may do that as soon as the electrician leaves. How am I going to get through work next week though...literally eyes closing as I type.

I'll post an update tomorrow. Hurdle 1 down...1M to go.

My purple belly...or "That can't be right!"

Two days into the 6 shots a day regimen and I am not doing well. When it was just the Lupron..that was cake! Oh how I miss those days.

The Menopur burns and thanks to it I have this lovely bruise.

I just need to get to Sat. US and see where I am and I think that will make me feel better. I always need milestones. Make it to Saturday...then make it to the next US..and then fingers crossed retrieval or maybe another US then retrieval..

So that's where I am. I'm exhausted I think that must be from the meds and I have terrible terrible leg and foot cramps which I read up on and started drinking some electrolyte drink. Apparently these drugs can mess with your liquids balance and I have been super thirsty so it's definitely off with me.

I almost passed out

I got a little too cocky. I have been doing the Lupron shots since Sunday and today I added the Menopur and Gonal F...MFER! The Menopur stings like nobodies business.

I got all of my shots ready, measured, qcaps, alcohol wipes, ice cube..."oh I don't need the ice today. The Luprons been so easy"....So I started with the Menopur and it hurt a little, then it hurt more, then I was like Oh crap I wish I used the ice. Then I thought "ok let's just get the other two overwith and you can go have your pretend coffee" So I lined up the Lupron and started. I had the needle in my belly when I started to black out. Dude...sit down when you give the shots, that's all I'm saying. That's my advice to the world. You never know when you're bodies going to say, "What the fuck are you doing, sticking needles and stinging liquid in my..bellllllyyyyyyyyyy...aaaarrggghhhh...."

So I made it over to the bed and laid down for a few minutes. I guess sometimes it doesn't matter how strong our resolve is, sometimes our bodies have something else in mind. The thing is, I'm the one you want in an emergency. I once jumped out of my car onto the highway to help someone who'd just been in an accident while my friend who's a nurse sat in the car..not sure what to do. So I'm the one...unless I have the slightest drop of blood coming out of me...and then I'm the hysterical one, passing out on the floor.

So I managed to get the meds all in. 225 Gonal F, 10 Lupron, 75 Fucking Menopur. Apparently I'm on the Microdose Lupron Flare protocol, for non responders...and my FSH is at it's highest. 12.9. That's with the acupuncture, meditation and sprouted grain totally no fun diet.

When I had my US on Sunday my Dr said, "Are you excited" In a super excited tone. I shook my head, then realized she was wanting more...so I said "Yes of course" in my own perky fake tone.

I am excited at the prospect of it working, but that's out of my hands. I can't decide if I am at acceptance or apathy or self protection.

If I get a live child at the end of this, I will laugh at my post above. If I don't or get something worse, to live through another loss, then I will look at the above as such wisdom.

One thing I am getting out of this, is I could give a shot like a champ. I know to sit down when giving myself shots. I know I can handle a lot of crap thrown my way and there's some comfort in that. Cause life tends to throw crap..kind of like a monkey at the zoo and you just don't know when it's going to come at you. So you have to get good at ducking and running.

I hope no poo gets thrown at you today. :)

It's how much?

I got a call from the pharmacy today about my meds for THE IVF cycle. I mean I knew it was going to be expensive...I had no idea how much of some of the items I would need though and I under estimated by $2,000.

I also recently realized that my Drs Office has been billing everything to my old HMO instead of my new plan even though I called them early in the year to change it. The young woman I talked to ADDED it as a seconary insurance instead of changing it...I don't understand what part of "I am calling to change my insurance information" was confusing.

So I have no idea what I now owe on the US's and tests and procedures I've had so far this year and it boggles my mind that no red flag came up on their end..wtf...WTF.

So I am in at least $8K right now possibly more and that doesn't include retrieval and transfer or any of the US's or E tests. None of this is covered by insurance.

I feel ridiculous to be spending this kind of money when I have some ridiculously small chance of actually concieving and a huge chance of miscarrying if I do. I feel downright duped. On the other hand the time is now, there is no other time I am completely out of it..time. So it's now or never and I will run up my credit cards and sneak money out of my savings and hope neither one of us gets laid off.....If I asked S.U.Z.E she would most certainly deny me..

It's hard for me to do this. I never had any money. My Aunt used to send me a box of goodwill clothes and that was my clothes for the year. No allowance no spending money. I got my first job at 14. I worked through college and lived in some questionable apartments with lots of people to make ends meet. I used to clean up the sofa cushions where I worked so I could grab the change out of them... I've spent the better part of my adult life being frugal so that I could feel some sense of safety. I've just gotten my head above water in that respect..and now to be spending this kind of money.. this feels very "unsafe".

I know I should feel good that I am able to do this. That I have the money (in one form or another) but today it doesn't feel good...it just feels sad and desperate (please no one take this to heart - anyone in a similiar situation - this is me talking about me and only me.)

The plan is Estradiol tabs until the 10th(which completely suck...I am so bloated) then add Progesterone, then stop on the 19th. Hopefully to start injections on 7/24, retrieval around 8/4 and transfer 3 - 5 days later. That's the plan and I guess I am sticking to it.

Oh and Blogger...driving me crazy! I just tried to post on another blog and it took me round and round again with the signing in....nearly want to tear my hair out.

It's on

Hysteroscopy - Check
Polyp removal - Check

Waiting for Cycle nurse to call with next steps....crickets.

My surgery went much better than last time. Of course last time we added the laparoscopy for fun and I had much more heavy duty anestesia which made me vomit. This time no vomiting and very little down time.

Now I just want to get on with it. No more delays, no more polyps.

There are so many unknowns and I am freaking out about the less pleasant outcomes of getting through this process and not getting pregnant, getting through this process and having another miscarriage, getting through this process and having there be something wrong with the baby, risk of multiples(as if), risks to me, I could go on...but the only way through is forward. I just have to take what comes and deal with it then.

My kitty is still very ill and we have been dipping into our IVF money for additional tests for him. I guess I wanted them to tell me something different but $1500 later and same answer...kicking myself...

The one treatment that's been offered is chemotherapy but since I am trying to get pregnant I can't get anywhere near the pills or him so we are not treating him with that. Just prednisone....which is just keeping him comfy. It's hurts my heart that I can't give him a chance by giving him the chemo...I feel like I am denying him a chance but then I remember how old he is and try to remember he's had a good long life. Of course I want him to stick around forever.

Update - I forgot about the acupuncture update - that's what happens when I blog so rarely. It was interesting. He uncovered my knees, feet and belly. He talked to me about my diet :( And then while he was talking he took a cleansing swab thingy and quickly dabbed it on all of the injection sites..it was kind of like a little dance he did it was so quick and the needle placement was done the same way and just as quickly. I can't say it was painless. Some of them hurt worse than others..the ones in my calves and feet mostly. I couldn't even feel the ones in my face and ears.

Then he put a heat lamp on my belly which really felt just lovely and I was left to myself. So I tried to relax and do my belly breathing but I just couldn't relax I was so bitchy. The Dr had put me on BCP and to be honest I just don't do well on it. I had been bitchy for a week already. So I didn't really feel I would be able to relax but finally I realized I was having a dream and woke up with a start. The funniest thing was that I felt a current running up and down my legs from my feet and up and down and up. It was the strangest thing I have ever felt. I go back tomorrow.

I can't comment

It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I get to the screen with the word verification and my comment field is blank. It's the most frustrating thing!

I started with an acupuntcurist group. I would say I started acupuncture but I haven't. I went on Monday and had an abdominal massage. It was very interesting. It was a little uncomfortable, sometimes actually painful. The therapist told me at the end that I may feel sore during the week and that I should expect to feel a release of emotion and that I should prepare for that. I looked at her and said yes I understand, ok thank you....but I had no idea what she was talking about until starting mid day Wednesday.

I bawled all the way home about my cat who is dying. I cried that night while watching tv, I cried yesterday over small things and sometimes I just welled up over nothing at all. This morning I cried watching the news with my morning cup of decaf.

What on earth? I thought she meant I might have some release of emotion around infertility. I had no idea it would be like this.

Power of suggestion?

Anyway, I have been eating so well this week. Several days in a row without even really trying. It's been wonderful.

I go back for another abdominal massage on Saturday because she also said I was "still blocked" not sure what that means.

Two of the ladies in the fertility group I attended are pregnant and doing well.

Did I tell you that my FSH went from 10 to 7.5! My RE was astonished...hmmm maybe there is something to this alternative therapy I've been doing? I hope so. At the very least I feel like I am accomplishing something.

Fingers crossed my surgery will go well in two weeks and I will be able to hit my IVF target end of July.
GO GO GO GO GO!


Update: So it seems I can comment on the pop up blog posts but not the embedded ones. There are three I just tried and it kept me on a continuos loop, login, comment, login, word verification, login, word verification and repeat.

Ground.h.o.g day and only myself to blame.

Well here we are again and I have no one to blame but myself...and maybe the universe.

I have a hysteroscopy scheduled for june 23. Sonohystogram on Friday showed a polyp, fibroid, scar tissue type object. Not air bubbles as we were hoping.

She did the test 4 times..yes FOUR! I am allergic to ibuprofin so only had some extra strength tylenol in the system and I have to say...it sucked big time.

The first time she didn't inflate the balloon on the catheter enough and it popped when she inserted the wandy. The second time same thing. Now I still had a full bladder because before the sono she had done the Cath check. Trying to check as many things off as we could. So on number three things were going ok but she couldn't really visualize well and she saw "something"...so down the hall I marched in my paper blanket with blood running down my legs...oh going in and out of my cervix so many times caused me to bleed. So I settled in for the fourth look and yep the shit was still there...some sort of intrusion into my previously cleaned up uterus...FUCK.

Why didn't I just do IVF when we were preparing for it last year? Why? Now my husband is all upset that I have to go under anesthesia again and he was already freaked out about everything that can go wrong with IVF. So instead of anyone calming me..I am calming him...I do love him but really? It's me having surgery. It's me that had the apt from hell last week.

Anyway - I went to an accupuncturist last night to get started and she gave me a diet to start...not happy about it. Monday I start the stomach massage and then the week after we do the accupuncture. The day of transfer they actually come to the IVF office and do accupuncture before and after..crazy. Of course this is a bunch more money. My husband said we were "hemhoraging money" I thought that was appropriate if a little bit morbid. I figure we give it one last blast and then I think I can be done, one way or another. I am still doing the meditation and I honestly feel like a happier person. I've even been know to giggle a bit.

IVF talk

So I finally called the clinic a couple of weeks ago and turns out I left it so long I have to redo a bunch of tests. Crap Crappity Crap.

Dr did an US last week and I had 9 follicles..not good enough so I will need som pills to improve that before we even think about starting a cycle and in addition she saw a shadow in my uterus. A polyp? Sounds like it. MF!

So we are giving it one more try this month on our own even thought the potential polyp issue from above freaks me out and on day three of next cycle I do all of my day three testing again and schedule my Sonohysterogram between day 6 and 10...then I may be able to fit in a cycle before 4th of July but since my cycles are so random lately we really have no idea.

I'm traveling for a week fourth of July and so if we can't time it right then I will have to wait next cycle which may or may not happen during 4th of July week.

And I may have to have the polyp removed before we can do any of that. I haven't even Dr Googled that because I don't even want to think about it.

So I have no idea when or if I will do IVF.

Also I am doing two presentations this week. Tomorrow and Wed. I feel nauseaus. Can't wait for it to be over.

One foot in front of the other

One foot in front of the other...That's how it feels dealing with infertility. I just keep taking steps even though I want to go somewhere else, I keep walking down this path. I'm weary and the pack is getting heavy. The sun is beating down and I am running out of water. My bug spray is not working and I am surrounded by mosquitos. I've lost faith that I will get to camp with everyone else and feel I am weighing my team down.

I'm still trying to eat right, I fell off the wagon a bit but it was just some minor things. I struggle with not feeling like a failure. I went to class again this week and met another new member. All of the ladies are much younger than me..obviously it bothers me some..The learning to be present and observe but not judge aspects of the class are really helping me. I judge every aspect of my journey.

My favorite kitty has lymphoma. Oscar the cat. He started losing weight and the vet ran a battery of tests and that's what it is. He's continued to get skinnier. We have options for treatment but they guarantee nothing. He's an older kitty - 14 or 15 as far as I know. He's gotten me through more than one rough spot in my life and it is physically painful for me to see him get weaker. His passing may be one of the most impactful of my life. Is that odd to say. Well it's true, I'd be lying if I said it were different. For now we are enjoying our snuggle time and I am making sure he doesn't hurt, that's all I can do.

It's all getting away from me

I've been lurking and checking in with everyone but haven't been posting or commenting. It seems the only time I have to read is right before I go to bed and I've been doing it on my phone which means posting and commenting are too much for me on that tiny screen at that time of day. I am going to make myself use the real computer to read your posts since I always want to say something and it's so frustrating to not be able to.

So anyway I am here, I am fine. (Thank you for asking :) I appreciate that)

I am still eating right and have been exercising every day which is helping. My mood is just down the toilet though. I mean I am irritable...I am sorry for those who are dealing with me at work right now. Everything is just so annoying...I am annoyed most days and as much as I try to not put it on other people it just spills out. (I mean sometimes it's with good reason, seriously if people would just take a moment and reason things out my life would be so much easier....but I digress)

I went to my first "Meditation and relaxation" session last night. It was pretty cool. Of course I got super irritable during the day and did my little "I don't want to go routine" "No one will like me" etc...but I muscled through it and I think they liked me ok. It was hard because we all had to intro ourselves and our infertility struggle...which made me cry. I'm so tired of the story. I was also the only one who had been pregnant and that made me feel odd man out a little bit. I could almost feel the "At least you've been pregnant" Although that may have been in my head.

I felt so much compassion for the other women too which makes me feel good. I feel so bitter and irritable IRL that I was concerned I had lost that part of me that used to be a good listener. I guess maybe subject matter makes this compassion easier to access.

We did some deep breathing which always makes me more self aware than I like which makes me uncomfortable but I did feel all of a sudden the tension I was holding in my body and it released with a thump. It was just a short exercise and we are supposed to try that each day this week. I am going to do it. I think a daily practice will help me a lot.

IVF...has to be postponed. I have a work thing that's terrifying to me - I have to present at a conference. I am not a public speaker. I am one of those people that wishes they would break their arm or something else terrible so that they would have a good excuse not to present. It's only an hour but it's right in the sweet spot of what will be retrieval or transfer and I will be so stressed it seems like I have to push the cycle out another month. Doing so pushes it into a trip for my BF birthday but she keeps telling me it's ok if I miss it. I mean I could probably keep pushing it out and pushing it out.

I have to get to work now but I am going to comment this evening.

Random

Diet - One more week down and it went really well. I am rocking it and I hope it continues.

I also signed up for a Mind Body Class for eight weeks starting in April. Here's a short description "Develop new perspectives and qualities that will support you through your fertility challenge". I definitely can use some new perspectives and I like the idea that it will give me skills I can use even if my fertility challenge is that IVF didn't work either and I am still childless. That outcome would be more challenging than an IVF cycle I think.

Still on for IVF in May I am not going to call the clinic though until the beginning of my next cycle.

I spoke to someone about my infertility challenges, someone in the know and even though I know this is a true statement I was put off "Age is not on your side". Yes yes I know age is not on my side. Can we just stop talking about it. I can no more turn back time than I can bring someone back from the dead so telling me that age is not on my side is useless and just makes me feel bad that I was not able to have a child earlier in life. Don't tell me I should try IVF and then in the next instant act like if I don't do it tomorrow I better forget it. Gheesh...I mean it's May - I'm not talking about waiting until 2020.

Making Progress

I did my due diligence around an IVF cycle in the near future. I reread the IVF materials and looked at what we need to do prior. Good news is two things are already checked off. Injection training and the financial review.

Based on timing and money we've decided to start the process in April with IVF to begin with the May cycle. One thing I do need to check is some of the things that were covered for us last year (ultrasounds and testing) may not be this year...In my "I'm not doing IVF and I'm done with doctors apts" mind set I elected a High deductible PPO and HSA account for this year and I think that means it's all on us. The good news is I have the HSA account which my company contributes to, to use.

I've also decided to use this time before to really get serious about my weight. I stepped on the scale a couple of weeks ago and almost fell off. I was at my highest weight in 15 years....15. I had a significant issue with weight in my late 20's that I was able to get under control and I had kept a pretty steady weight for the last 10 years. With everything to do with loss and infertility happening and finally culminating at the end of last year I really just went a little crazy with the self soothing. I'm talking no filter on what I wanted to eat. That weight though has shocked me back to reality. I'm healthy now, but if I keep going down that road I will not remain so for long and I can't feel good about starting IVF with this issue rearing it's ugly head.

Two weeks now and I am feeling good. I am not doing anything drastic. Just lots of Veggies, protein and fruit with an odd smattering of grains thrown in. I've basically thrown away alcohol and sugar based carbs. It's working, imagine that :) I am planning one weekend day to have a couple of drinks and a little more treats and then back to it. That way I won't lose my mind. I'm following the P.o.i.n.t.s program and am saving my weekly p.o.i.n.t.s for that one day.

Thinking about doing IVF has me in an odd state of mind. I have had some thoughts come up again in the last couple of days like this..what if I do get pregnant after all of this and I am a bad mother? What if I get pregnant after all of this and I am an ungrateful mother? What am I supposed to do with those thoughts? I mean I know they are just thoughts, fear based and they don't mean that's what will happen but why do they have to pop in and complicate things?

The mom who left her kids and how it makes me feel

I like to think of myself as non judgemental....but I feel a lot of judgement about this article

Am I just delusional about how hard parenting is? Maybe I am. I just can't imagine doing the same.

What do you all think?

Oh and CD1 came so we are reset. My back(and front)pain is gone too, what a relief.

I am calling the clinic to make an apt with the nurse to see what final tests I need to do for IVF and what tests I need to redo now I've let it go so long and to order my meds and just generally figure it out. I moved some money around that we had been putting aside for this or adoption and it pains me a little bit to think about spending it and possibly putting off adoption again if this doesn't pan out..but It looks like we are doing it. Unfortunately I don't feel any relief in it but I feel I need to do it to have closure. I don't know if that's silly or not. Of course there's a small part of me that thinks it might work but the well conditioned negative part is on the look out for all of the pitfalls.

What the?

So I've had two days now of pink tinged spotting...not even spotting really...if I weren't looking for it I wouldn't notice it on the TP....no flow? I thought the spotting yesterday was the start of it but I guess not.

So of course just to be sure I tested. Another BFN today to add to the other 8.

Based on our BD'ing and a few days after. The earliest earliest I could be is 12dpo and that's if one of the swimmers lived 5 days, I mean that seems unlikely. I didn't chart this month so I don't know when O was. I do know that I should have a BFP at 12dpo.

What on earth. Cyst? I still have terrible back pain and bloating. My stomach keeps making these gassy noises at work that I swear my cubemates can hear. Nothings coming out though although I wish it were maybe I'd feel better :) Lovely I know.

I wish this cycle would just get on with it already.

It's not bad enough I'm infertile and miscarried three babies.

Apparently I also am meant to suffer excruciating pain in the lead up to my periods now.

Severe back aches and cramping, with nausea this month and sore breasts for days. Yes, Yes, of course I tested. BFN times eight. Yes I said eight. Eight more HPT's for the landfill. I am sufficiently ashamed of my lack of self control.

I ask you though, what am I supposed to think? I have been feeling so crappy and the only thing that makes that kind of discomfort bearable is the idea that by some miracle I might be knocked up.

I'm not.

My only consolation is that perhaps as I bleed this horror of pain will end. The physical not the mental. I plan to dull that later with a glass or two of red wine.

Still here, still infertile.

P.S. I decided to try IVF. Well at least 60% of me has decided. The other 40% is still resisting. You should hear the conversations with my DH. Him: What do you want to do? Me: I think we should do it...but I really don't want to? Him: Uh what? Me: I go on and on for several minutes about why and why not.... Him: Ok maybe we should talk again in a couple of days. Me: defeated OK

The walls been hit

I am so tired. This jet lag is really messing with me. I wake up every morning this week at 3am wide awake, then finally fall back asleep after an hour or so only to find it extremely difficult to get up. Then in the afternoon I crash.

Today I blew past my alarm clock and woke up to find it almost 11am....Ooops...I emailed work and took a PTO day. This is so not like me. I never do this. Even in my younger years when I would go out with friends on a week night I still made it to work. I feel really out of it. And of course even though I know I flew ahead in time to Asia, and then back again losing a day gaining a day, not sleeping, eating strange food, meeting new people and doing a lot of social interaction which exhausts me etc. I still had the thought...maybe I should get a pregnancy test. I blame it on that show - "I didn't know I was..." you know the one. Where she gets her period but is pregnant anyway against all odds even though she has cystic ovaries or is 50.

How long will that thought still pop up? It's so irrational.

So I was laying on the couch trying to feel more awake and I watched "Say yes to the .d.r.e.s.s" and ended up crying because I will never see a daughter walk down the aisle or a son. What the crap. I still may see it. There's adoption. There are options. Right? Hmpf.

Radio Silent

I've been traveling for work and haven't been reading, commenting or posting. I am still in Asia but finally have some down time and free internet :)so I was able to read and comment today.

Infertility has been on the back burner lately. I did consider and hope by some miracle that I might be pregnant this month but the feeling and eventual let down was easier. Maybe each month will get easier, here's hoping.

Most of my colleagues here are young - mid 20's to early 30's and just getting started with their marriages and boyfriends. One young lady said that she and her husband want to enjoy each other before they start a family. Since children are so much work. I had to clamp my mouth shut so that I would not blurt out things like "Don't wait too long" and " A womans fertility sharply declines at 35" and "Do you know what a true miracle it is to actually get pregnant?" I didn't say any of those things. I didn't want the blank and "what's wrong with this old lady" stares.

I've been enjoying myself though. Experiencing local cuisine, and traveling with locals is so preferable to just showing up as a tourist. My team has been very kind, traveling around with me and taking me to the really interesting places. It's been an awesome trip. Plus it's the first time I've met some of them and this will definitely improve our team feeling. We are now not just faceless email colleagues. We are getting to know eachother. It's been nice.

I am excited to get back. I want to attempt to get pregnant this month. I have decided that IVF is not necessarily the be all and end all. I can still do what nature intended and see what happens. I know this is a long shot, but it's something. It feels better that way. I have really let go of this whole thing being my fault and that's been good. I've let go of the "IF I just: was thinner, ate the "right" foods, did yoga, had started treatment earlier, took more and different vitamins, had accupuncture, started trying earlier, was better, smarter, stronger, different... I would have gotten pregnant"

I know I should never have felt all of that, but I did and it hurt. I feel like I am coming out of a very dark period but it is getting better. I feel sad at times and very sad at others, but I also feel hopeful for a good future with lots of joy and a sense of wonder about what my future will bring. I guess I feel less stuck.

Settling in to 2011

I think about blogging at the worst times lately and then when I actually have a minute to type up a post at the computer I draw a blank. So this is me, trying to remember the eloquent post I was thinking about yesterday during a mtg.

Even though I said we were done, Last month we did try to get pregnant. We didn't try to time things. I didn't take my temp, I didn't obsess about it as much as other months. Even though I knew it was a long shot, I was still convinced come CD25 that I was knocked up. Just convinced. It didn't help that I had a horoscope that week that was all about something I had been wishing for finally coming true and my boobs were sore, and I was having cramping.

Turns out it was just a crampy month. It doesn't escape me that since the septum surgery my periods just suck. Very crampy and that's not the norm for me. Just another "not fair" to add to my list.

Also was finally cleaning out the study closet. It tends to be the catch all closet for us. I've moved 4 times in the last 10 years and there is this box that came with me 10 years ago that never got unpacked. Some memory kind of stuff, stuff you just don't throw away even though it has no real purpose. Well I found a deck of tarot cards in this box which made me remember the lady that gave them to me.

She was into all of that kind of stuff, and had even taken me to a psychic who was eerily right on about a relationship I was in at the time. This friend also was studying Ryki and had a family of healers and let's just say people of intuition. Now I'm not a big believer in that kind of thing. I am interested in it from a "that's interesting" perspective. I realize that I don't know everything and maybe this is just another human skill. SO long story short, this lady did a horoscope reading, really in depth, using the actual time of my birth kind of thing. During this reading she told me that I would never have children. Yeah, she told me that. She had a book that she gave me to read, all about how I've moved through that phase in my "lives" and that mothering is a skill I don't need to learn...anyway I am paraphrasing..I don't really remember exactly but that was the gist.

The thing is I was "young" at the time, and I thought she was a little crazy :) and I didn't really give it a second thought.

But as I sit here at 41, infertile, childless. This story, this portion of my life is making me a little crazy. I keep turning it over in my mind. I just can't put it away. I mean really, it's just coincedence that she said that to me, that this was my reading. Right?

Oh, and I tried to discuss it with my BFF. She rolled her eyes and said something "smart" about me losing my mind. Which may have been something I might have done as well, if I hadn't had this IF experience. I mean obviously I was bringing it up for a reason...crazy or not. I'd like to think I'd be more compassionate with her under similiar cicumstances, but then again who knows.

i don't like it

I turn 41 this week and it really has me down. More than any other year it feels like a turning point and a milestone. One I hate :(

I used to say "if I can just get pregnant by 40 everything will be fine". Well I did three times and everything is not fine.

Some people say kids age them. I say infertility ages you much worse I feel old and jaded to the bone.

It is what it is

2011. So far so good. It's been pretty uneventful, except....

Text from my Dad at midnight. Now that's momentous...oh haven't talked much about that..well infertility's been taking the spotlight.

Me and my Dad, not so close these past...well 35 years. What's changed? Lifethreatening COPD cause by a medication he was taking for heart disease. Now if you knew my Dad you would see how truly horrible this is for him. He's the boss, the man in charge, the workaholic, strongman of the family. Now though, He's in a weelchair on oxygen and it's the hardest thing that's ever happened to him and to me and as you've seen from hints at my childhood, it must be a tough one to be at the top.

A positive from this recent development in his life, is a realization that he missed a good bit of mine and that he and I have a lot in common. You see when he was in the hospital on a respirator I found out a bit about dear old dad. He didn't get his lifes dream either. I also found out, wait for it, HE LOVES ME. Really? You're shitting me? No I am serious.

This first day of 2011 I am really trying to see the tree for the forest, to see where things are grand. And I do! Really.

First: Dad didn't die during his first super stressful and horrible episode. No one thought he would live, but he did and was able to express to me for maybe the first time in 30+ years that he loved me and I tell you honestly, it was a revelation and a joy in my life. I honestly didn't know and now I do and I believe it.

Second: I have a good job, and despite my time off for treatment, grief, surgery and the like I have been promoted and am liked by my colleagues. Who knew? I thought they thought I was a fat, grumpy, jaded bitch. I feel that way most days.

Third: My husband. I never thought I'd meet someone like him...probably comes from my f'd up childhood that I would come to believe that there are no people like him in the world. I was wrong. He exists and against all odds, loves me more now than he did when we got married.

Fourth: I got chickens for my last birthday. It's a true joy. When one stops believing in joy and then gets joy given *I realize a couple of baby chicks isn't joy to everyone but please indulge me* it's a true miracle - to experience joy when you believe it no longer exists.

Fifth: I am warm, and full and healthy. One only has to turn on the news to realize it isn't so for so many.

Sixth: This space, the blogosphere, internet, world. How wonderous that a question is only a click away from an answer...maybe a crazy unscientific answer but an answer..and a whole group of women going through what I am going through...I believe it has saved me from a sad sad end and I say this with not the least bit of glibness. There's something to be said for not being alone in sorrow.

Seventh: Had to do seven, it's my lucky number. I opened my eyes today. Just the chance to get it right for one more day. It's lucky. I do realize it and I plan to acknowledge it every day I am given.

I haven't figured out my family yet. I shy away from the adoption papers but they sit there waiting. My husband seems resigned to hear me although I don't know his true thoughts I plan to dig in soon.

2011 it's a good year for me, I hope it's a good one for you.