Thursday, September 29, 2011

Still good news

I checked my droid in bed this morning at 4 am and saw the email my Dr sent at 10:41 pm - "The HCG level is showing a very nice rise looks promising ! Beta HCG = 673"

I have my US scheduled for 10/12. How will I pass the time until then?

Weird thing - DH wants me to pee on a stick. It's not that he doesn't believe that I am pregnant..I think he just wants to see a positive one for once. I understand how he feels.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

No news

I got up early and went to get my second set of bloodwork thinking at least tonight I'll know where we stand..but no. I still have not heard anything. Now if I thought this was going to happen I would have called the office earlier before they closed but usually they are right on top of this stuff and the Dr gets back to me after hours anyway so I though that was what would be happening.... So I don't know anything more.

I've gone back and forth today between wondering if they got my labs from Monday mixed up with someone else's, am I not pregnant but I have some other strange issue going on that I haven't read about on Google that makes you have hcg in your system, running to the bathroom because I feel like I am bleeding. and then on from there.

It's just so hard to wrap my head around this and I really could have used that second beta level today as reassurance that I am not crazy. I've gone back to read my Dr's email instructions multiple times because I start to doubt that this is really happening.

We have not been pregnant since June of 2009. All of the treatments cycles and natural cycles we did, peeing on sticks, injecting myself with needles, taking my temperature, not drinking, no caffiene, no sushi, no heavy exercise. We've gone through a lot of good healthy sperm, and many many follicles. Big nothing. Honestly after the IVF I really felt that I had passed over into a time when it was impossible for me to get pregnant again. I approached this last month as if it was never going to happen. I was working on getting my head around that. DH and I talked about birth control...and then said why bother..I mean really why?

I realize how miraculous it is that I am even pregnant, I mean I GET IT and I am completely dumbfounded by it and if it's not too much to ask, I'd really like it to be real and to continue. I rubbed my belly today and told the little one in there to hang on as hard as possible, that I really really want you to come into this world and we will love you like nobodies business if you do. I also said, if you can't hold on I understand that too, and I realize what a miracle it is that you were even here. I now believe in miracles and my hope is restored.

Monday, September 26, 2011

I am an urban least for the meantime

So I still have not gotten my period. I stopped using pregnancy tests last week, and email the Dr on Friday to ask her how long I should wait for a period. She scheduled some tests including a pregnancy test as a formality. She suggested that it was likely persistent cysts from the IVF. I wasn't able to go for the blood work over the weekend as we went out of town with friends. So I went this morning. Over the weekend I had a good bit of champagne, ate a bunch of food and did quite a bit of exercise. I have been checking email all day to see if there was an email from my Re and about 20 minutes ago I got an email saying I am pregnant. HCG = 286 and Progesterone = 24. I am in shock. Complete and utter shock. I mean I can't even comprehend what this could mean, I had completely thought this would never happen again. I don't even know what to say. I don't know how far along I could even be. I don't know if the above numbers are good or bad. I know that the last time I tested I got negatives and that was about a week ago with really sensitive tests.

I did everything right for so many cycles. I have to tell you when I read the email I showed it to DH and then burst into tears at what a horrible human being I am to have put all of the crap into my body that I have been. But seriously I had no hope...NO HOPE. and I feel bad about that too.

Is this my baby? OMG is this my baby? How am I going to hold it together through the next few weeks?

Now I am going to Google the above numbers...I don't know if that's a bad thing or a good thing.

What is happening right now, I am seriously in Shock...

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Will you just bleed already?

Seriously- self? What the f is going on? 32 days? Really. Normally 26 but who the f is counting? You MoFO. I spent $40 on pregnancy had me thinking I was an urban legend. "Woman pregnant naturally after failed IVF" (I dreamed about how I'd post it) No....just woman completely fucked by IVF. Too old to create good eggs. Probably cystic or annovulatory - Infertile possibly in Menopause because she used up her last follicles on IVF. At the very least hormonally compromised, fat and sad from IVF.

Reality: "Woman trying to hold it the fuck together after failed IVF" Would it have been too fucking much to ask to get my period on time? Would it? No? Instead I am bloated and moody and tired and crampy and fucking feeling like shit. Like f.u.c.k.i.n.g shit. I'm surprised I've been able to hold on to my job this long. Honestly. I seriously hate anyone who crosses my path. I am officially BITTER. I feel bad for those who work with me, for me. I apologize - I really do.


Fuck You universe...just fuck you?

"I apologize....for the inherent foul mouth...but I just can't fucking help it...I am pissed and my PA is showing." Really the swearing is all I have. I've been stripped of dignity by one too fucking many pelvic exams.

It is not good. Not good at all. My only saving grace is that I am bright enough to hold onto my job without a "dear" amount of effort(mind you I won't advance and people will wonder but I will be OK) and that I don't have anyone except furry or feathered friends to count on me...I mean DH is self sufficient. How long will he put up with the "Bitter" Wife? Conversation about our "Love life" tonight included an aspect where we talked about BJ's and how he's not getting any...ever.....I mean 4 years kind of never....that kind of frivolous item went far by the wayside...didn't it? I know I am not the only one...guess it better get back on the menu at some point. Oh who the fuck cares.

Meanwhile I can barely make sure my clothes are on right side out and I've brushed my teeth before I leave the house and pretend I am enamored by data. What am I so sad about? I know but does anyone else? I am sooooo alone. Just surrounded by people and devastatingly, crushingly alone.

I'm sorry if I haven't commented..I can't even comment on my own sad commentary..I can't imagine what I'd say or how it would be helpful in any way. My mediation for fertility group has even shunnned one wants to be around the sad clown.
I am a sad clown. Fucking, cloyingly, devastatingly, unbelievably sad.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Life is good...and not so good

I've been hanging in there. I've gained some weight and at times had a bit too much to drink. There have been some really low days and some not so bad days.

All in all I am fine. I've been cutting myself some slack and letting things just ...happen.

I find myself checking in on you all much less often because I feel I've moved sideways. No longer trying. Not becoming a mother. Not really sure where I am going. Realizing I miss you and checking in but finding the check in very painful at times.

I don't belong anymore but I don't want to leave and maybe it's not, not belonging but a reinvention that's required.

This community has meant so much to me but my current state makes it impossible to bear...I think I wish it all away and reading and commenting means it's real...if I am honest.