Monday, May 14, 2012
I would be almost full term - 39 weeks give or take a few days since the dating on my last pregnancy was so iffy. I can't believe that much time has gone by. It feels like yesterday that I had the miscarriage. It was brought to my attention though by the two ladies I know who also got pregnant at that time and who are now going out on maternity leave. Well, happy mothers day to me NOT. It was a rough day yesterday. I know it was rough for a lot of us. I hope all of you made it through the day ok and are feeling well today.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
It was just jet lag. I hate to admit this but I actually felt a little bit relieved....I am very conflicted at this point. I think it's mostly because I no longer have the capacity to see a good outcome. I think that means we should really just move on but somehow I can't take myself all the way out of the game. I've been working out quite a bit and seeing some real progress. I may actually wear a tank top this summer. We'll see. :)
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
I'm here. Well I'm in Australia right now but I mean I'm still here going about life. I've been away for a couple of weeks now and I am just getting used to the time change and I go back tomorrow. Nice. I also am 31 days into a cycle. My longest cycles are usually 27 days. I know it's probably the jet lag...yes, yes, of course I tested. I should have just broken down and bought a 50 pack of tests from the internet when the thought occurred to me. All (4) tests were negative. BUT..... We did do the dance at approximately the right times for a late ovulation...and last year I was 31 days with negative tests when I was actually pregnant...sooooo of course I am a little bit cautiously optimistic...which is endlessly frustrating. A couple of months ago we decided to not use birth control. Beyond that we hadn't really made any decisions one way or another. Four+ years of highly orchestrated attempted baby making took all aspects of my ability to control away. Also I am now 42. I have all of the issues I had before. The odds are so far outside of our favor that it seems a good bet that we won't have to make anymore decisions about babies, pregnancies etc. Except, I didn't consider the rare variations in my cycle that would throw me for a loop and pull me right back into the what if. The only thing that's different now is I realize and keep reminding myself that after all of this time there's really not a lot that I can do or not do to impact a pregnancy of mine. Ummm...I just typed "this" pregnancy instead of "a". Have I truly lost my mind? Heading back home tomorrow. Seriously missing my kitties and hens and my own bed and my little routines.