Saturday, August 20, 2011

It's 3 am and I must be lonely

Well really it's now 6am but I've been up since three. Catching up on posts on Resolve, letting everyone on the roll call know I am BFN reading successful and not so succesful stories.

I can't quiet my mind, I just keep going over and over the last two weeks..what did I do, what when wrong? Retracing my steps. "Ok last I saw the embryos there were three 8c1's, two of those were already compacting, and one 6cd. I saw them go shooting into my uterus. I rested and talked to DH about how happy we were to be at this point. I finally peed, got dressed and then we came home and I rested"...then what happened. It's there I get stuck because of course there are no answers. I have no information, but it doesn't stop me doing it again a little later. Did I do too much? Did I get too stressed with cutting my finger, with people staying with us. Should I not have lifted my friends baby? Did I eat the wrong thing? Was the acupuncture really counter productive? Am I being punished because I tested too early? Was I too negative? Was it because I couldn't believe and visualize the embryo's implanting? WTF did I do to cause this not to work????

I wish we had done assisted hatching. We didn't like the idea of it, and didn't like the risks with it but maybe that's why this didn't work and it now seems silly to me that we didn't just do EVERYTHING we could while we were at it.

I am still haunted as well by the faint BFP's..I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the makers of those tests..they were obviously wrong, I mean I didn't even have a hint of hcg in my bloodwork so it's not like this was a missed miscarriage (although this cycle feels closer to my miscarriages than all the other times when we've tried and failed and maybe they shouldn't show you the embryos before you do this). I know I shouldn't have tested. I know. But I did and there were lines and I looked at the tests before throwing them out and the lines were still there. So WTF does that mean?

My acupuncturist was very surprised with our BFN - sent me an email to keep up with the dietary changes until I decide what to do next..I think I must not have told him that we were only doing the one IVF...and I am not even sure if we are going to forgo birth control now. I mean do I really want to keep going through this at any level?

Once again I am at the place of quitting and it's completely unacceptable because the consequences of quitting are a child free life that I am not ready to accept but the consequences of continuing to do what has caused us so much pain for so many years is also unacceptable.

I had ice cream for two meals yesterday and a beer with dinner. It didn't help me feel better at all. My DH was a little worried that I would go overboard..sort of a rebound effect and a little bit of drowning my grief in food and drink but it was such an inadequate comfort that I didn't even want to.


Mrs. Misfits said...

I am gutted for this one, Jennifer. I've used the word unfair so much and it's a poor word for this. My thoughts are with you.

Kelly said...

I hate that this has left you in this place again. (((hugs)))

linda said...


I am so sorry that it didn't work out. A BFN after an IVF cycle bites like few other things we meet in life. It's a major loss on so many fronts (emotional, biological, financial). Remember, you CAN try again if you want to. Use what you learned in this cycle for the next.

What I see is that you had what looked like nice embryos but they didn't implant. (Remember: some of the most beautiful embryos can still have aneuploidies though). If you decide to cycle again, see if your docs will let you use neupogen and metformin (former helps with egg quality AND implantation, latter is routinely given in UK to older women with failures).

At 41 (and I am 5 years older than you), if I had the $$ I would do PGD for at least two cycles to see if you're getting any normals at all. Zouves once said to me that if you do that twice in a row and have nothing to work with that then you just move on. (This was Zouves circa 2005 though - his ideas might have changed by now). I would amend his idea to read: at 41 you need nearly 10 embryos to get 1 normal. So do enough IVF to get at least 10, then do PGD to find the good ones. If none, then you're up against some stiff odds.

On AH - what were your fears over it? I've read that older eggs can have thicker zonas and that it can help them hatch.

Some HPTs get "evaporation lines" which look a lot like positives.

One thing to remember: all those things you are worrying about aren't going to matter a whole lot if your embryos are good and if your uterus can let an embryo implant. You just need to find that one good egg and make sure any other hidden issues are discovered.

Go and have some of the things that you've denied yourself and focus on trying again if and when you're ready to. And ice cream makes for a great meal - I applaud your choice. :-))

A million hugs to you.

bunny said...

It breaks my hear to think of you guys faced with such shitty choices. Why oh why oh why does such a good person have to go through this? I hope your mind will let you rest and you'll eventually come to a place where you feel like you did everything you could have--that's sure what it looked like from the outside. I'm just so sorry.

Jem said...

First off: you didn't DO anything to not make this cycle work. Picking up a baby, whatever. It's NOT your fault.

IF is a bitch. Period.

AmyG said...

I'm so, so sorry. What a terrible, absolutely undeserved dilemma.