Well really it's now 6am but I've been up since three. Catching up on posts on Resolve, letting everyone on the roll call know I am BFN reading successful and not so succesful stories.
I can't quiet my mind, I just keep going over and over the last two weeks..what did I do, what when wrong? Retracing my steps. "Ok last I saw the embryos there were three 8c1's, two of those were already compacting, and one 6cd. I saw them go shooting into my uterus. I rested and talked to DH about how happy we were to be at this point. I finally peed, got dressed and then we came home and I rested"...then what happened. It's there I get stuck because of course there are no answers. I have no information, but it doesn't stop me doing it again a little later. Did I do too much? Did I get too stressed with cutting my finger, with people staying with us. Should I not have lifted my friends baby? Did I eat the wrong thing? Was the acupuncture really counter productive? Am I being punished because I tested too early? Was I too negative? Was it because I couldn't believe and visualize the embryo's implanting? WTF did I do to cause this not to work????
I wish we had done assisted hatching. We didn't like the idea of it, and didn't like the risks with it but maybe that's why this didn't work and it now seems silly to me that we didn't just do EVERYTHING we could while we were at it.
I am still haunted as well by the faint BFP's..I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the makers of those tests..they were obviously wrong, I mean I didn't even have a hint of hcg in my bloodwork so it's not like this was a missed miscarriage (although this cycle feels closer to my miscarriages than all the other times when we've tried and failed and maybe they shouldn't show you the embryos before you do this). I know I shouldn't have tested. I know. But I did and there were lines and I looked at the tests before throwing them out and the lines were still there. So WTF does that mean?
My acupuncturist was very surprised with our BFN - sent me an email to keep up with the dietary changes until I decide what to do next..I think I must not have told him that we were only doing the one IVF...and I am not even sure if we are going to forgo birth control now. I mean do I really want to keep going through this at any level?
Once again I am at the place of quitting and it's completely unacceptable because the consequences of quitting are a child free life that I am not ready to accept but the consequences of continuing to do what has caused us so much pain for so many years is also unacceptable.
I had ice cream for two meals yesterday and a beer with dinner. It didn't help me feel better at all. My DH was a little worried that I would go overboard..sort of a rebound effect and a little bit of drowning my grief in food and drink but it was such an inadequate comfort that I didn't even want to.