Wednesday, August 24, 2011

What the heck do I do now?

I'm really lost.

Went to work yesterday after having Friday and Monday was awful. Truly awful. During this whole IVF fiasco I secretly interviewed with another dept that I really want to get into. Once I had gotten past the "are you even qualified" conversations (and I was) I was going to formally apply but then a former employee got wind of the job and had just slightly better qualifications than me and swooped in and took my dream position right out from under me. Luckily I had only secretly and unofficially interviewed so I don't look like a complete ass in my current position.

Having the job not work out was bad, I was disappointed but knowing that IVF was going so well and feeling that maybe this was better, not to start a super stressful new position during a time when I would be pregnant etc...and then how would that look if I told them "Oh by the way, I'll be out on maternity in a few months". I somehow saw this working out for the best..but now. Going into work is torture. I didn't get into my dream dept and cool new job and feel like such a loser and I am not pregnant and by all indications will never be again (please understand I don't say this lightly, I have lots of history to back it up). Not only am I not pregnant...I don't really like my current job very much. I am so over it and it turns out I've been hanging on mostly so that on the off chance I get pregnant I can take advantage of the sweet maternity leave benefits at this company. I've put up with a lot of crap here based on the fact that I am going to get pregnant any minute and I don't want to start a new job with all the stress etc...while I am going through this. seems I am not going through this anymore. Now wtf do I do? I don't even know what I want to do. I've been thinking some crazy thoughts today. Like I always wanted to live in Alaska...maybe now's the time for that? Or Hawaii for that matter. Screw it. I can do whatever I want! The sad part is, when I go down this line of thinking...what I really want is a house full of kids regardless of where we live.

As for future IVF's. I am unwilling to spend the money(which we don't have and would have to borrow), the time(I have no PTO left...none), the heartache on trying again. I did however look into grants and thought about something I could do part time to make additional money...I also tried to research companies in the area that pay for it...the heartache that's the part I don't know how to troubleshoot...


linda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
linda said...


Sorry to hear that you didn't get the job. That sucks that they took an external candidate rather than someone in-house. I would hope they would be more supportive of current employees' career advancement & devlopment.

I totally understand your not wanting to pay for more IVF cycles. I quit trying after IVF#4 because of that very same reason. But then I found a job at a company...and they got benefits after I wrote a letter to their HR department. I explained what the current rate of infertility was in the US and how many employees would be positively affected by getting IVF insurance. My company wound up getting one of the best IVF insurances I've ever seen ($25K for meds, $50K for IVF).

So...since it sounds like you don't want to stay at your job AND that you DO want to keep trying, I would ask you to consider two things:

1. Write a letter to your current company's benefits department QUICKLY. Ask them to add IVF benefits to your company's plan for 2012 (we're in August so they are probably looking at plans right now). Maybe they can let you know if this is possible? If they don't come through, then...

2. Look for a job at a new company. A company that has IVF benfits that is. There are webpages out there that discuss which companies have the best bennies (but you need to really do your homework and doublecheck to make sure things haven't changeded). My current company's plan had 3 tries. I'm on my last one right now. I'm switching to a new company but they don't have it so I'm back to paying cash after this try. *sobs* (I'm going to have to write another letter to their benefits department).

Here's a link to get you started:

I'm can try to help you find a new role at a company that has benefits. Just post a comment over on my blog and I'll be able to email you from there.


Heather said...

I am so sorry, for the failed IVF and the dream job that was stolen from you. That really sucks.
Really hope something good is round the corner for you.

bunny said...

What a totally shitty combination of events. I'm so sorry they didn't even give you a chance to apply. And arrg, it's so awful that this recent tragedy is making your true feelings clearer. I know it's a million times easier said than done, but maybe now is the time for some kind of change. I so so so wish it could have been the one you deserved, though.

Mad Hatter said...

I'm so sorry things look so dismal right now for you as well...thank you for your kind words on my blog...I wish we lived closer so we could drown our sorrows together in wine and ice cream. Sending healing thoughts and hope that things take a turn for the better.