I'm really lost.
Went to work yesterday after having Friday and Monday off....it was awful. Truly awful. During this whole IVF fiasco I secretly interviewed with another dept that I really want to get into. Once I had gotten past the "are you even qualified" conversations (and I was) I was going to formally apply but then a former employee got wind of the job and had just slightly better qualifications than me and swooped in and took my dream position right out from under me. Luckily I had only secretly and unofficially interviewed so I don't look like a complete ass in my current position.
Having the job not work out was bad, I was disappointed but knowing that IVF was going so well and feeling that maybe this was better, not to start a super stressful new position during a time when I would be pregnant etc...and then how would that look if I told them "Oh by the way, I'll be out on maternity in a few months". I somehow saw this working out for the best..but now. Going into work is torture. I didn't get into my dream dept and cool new job and feel like such a loser and I am not pregnant and by all indications will never be again (please understand I don't say this lightly, I have lots of history to back it up). Not only am I not pregnant...I don't really like my current job very much. I am so over it and it turns out I've been hanging on mostly so that on the off chance I get pregnant I can take advantage of the sweet maternity leave benefits at this company. I've put up with a lot of crap here based on the fact that I am going to get pregnant any minute and I don't want to start a new job with all the stress etc...while I am going through this.
Well...it seems I am not going through this anymore. Now wtf do I do? I don't even know what I want to do. I've been thinking some crazy thoughts today. Like I always wanted to live in Alaska...maybe now's the time for that? Or Hawaii for that matter. Screw it. I can do whatever I want! The sad part is, when I go down this line of thinking...what I really want is a house full of kids regardless of where we live.
As for future IVF's. I am unwilling to spend the money(which we don't have and would have to borrow), the time(I have no PTO left...none), the heartache on trying again. I did however look into grants and thought about something I could do part time to make additional money...I also tried to research companies in the area that pay for it...the heartache part..now that's the part I don't know how to troubleshoot...