Thursday, January 13, 2011

Settling in to 2011

I think about blogging at the worst times lately and then when I actually have a minute to type up a post at the computer I draw a blank. So this is me, trying to remember the eloquent post I was thinking about yesterday during a mtg.

Even though I said we were done, Last month we did try to get pregnant. We didn't try to time things. I didn't take my temp, I didn't obsess about it as much as other months. Even though I knew it was a long shot, I was still convinced come CD25 that I was knocked up. Just convinced. It didn't help that I had a horoscope that week that was all about something I had been wishing for finally coming true and my boobs were sore, and I was having cramping.

Turns out it was just a crampy month. It doesn't escape me that since the septum surgery my periods just suck. Very crampy and that's not the norm for me. Just another "not fair" to add to my list.

Also was finally cleaning out the study closet. It tends to be the catch all closet for us. I've moved 4 times in the last 10 years and there is this box that came with me 10 years ago that never got unpacked. Some memory kind of stuff, stuff you just don't throw away even though it has no real purpose. Well I found a deck of tarot cards in this box which made me remember the lady that gave them to me.

She was into all of that kind of stuff, and had even taken me to a psychic who was eerily right on about a relationship I was in at the time. This friend also was studying Ryki and had a family of healers and let's just say people of intuition. Now I'm not a big believer in that kind of thing. I am interested in it from a "that's interesting" perspective. I realize that I don't know everything and maybe this is just another human skill. SO long story short, this lady did a horoscope reading, really in depth, using the actual time of my birth kind of thing. During this reading she told me that I would never have children. Yeah, she told me that. She had a book that she gave me to read, all about how I've moved through that phase in my "lives" and that mothering is a skill I don't need to learn...anyway I am paraphrasing..I don't really remember exactly but that was the gist.

The thing is I was "young" at the time, and I thought she was a little crazy :) and I didn't really give it a second thought.

But as I sit here at 41, infertile, childless. This story, this portion of my life is making me a little crazy. I keep turning it over in my mind. I just can't put it away. I mean really, it's just coincedence that she said that to me, that this was my reading. Right?

Oh, and I tried to discuss it with my BFF. She rolled her eyes and said something "smart" about me losing my mind. Which may have been something I might have done as well, if I hadn't had this IF experience. I mean obviously I was bringing it up for a reason...crazy or not. I'd like to think I'd be more compassionate with her under similiar cicumstances, but then again who knows.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

i don't like it

I turn 41 this week and it really has me down. More than any other year it feels like a turning point and a milestone. One I hate :(

I used to say "if I can just get pregnant by 40 everything will be fine". Well I did three times and everything is not fine.

Some people say kids age them. I say infertility ages you much worse I feel old and jaded to the bone.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

It is what it is

2011. So far so good. It's been pretty uneventful, except....

Text from my Dad at midnight. Now that's momentous...oh haven't talked much about that..well infertility's been taking the spotlight.

Me and my Dad, not so close these past...well 35 years. What's changed? Lifethreatening COPD cause by a medication he was taking for heart disease. Now if you knew my Dad you would see how truly horrible this is for him. He's the boss, the man in charge, the workaholic, strongman of the family. Now though, He's in a weelchair on oxygen and it's the hardest thing that's ever happened to him and to me and as you've seen from hints at my childhood, it must be a tough one to be at the top.

A positive from this recent development in his life, is a realization that he missed a good bit of mine and that he and I have a lot in common. You see when he was in the hospital on a respirator I found out a bit about dear old dad. He didn't get his lifes dream either. I also found out, wait for it, HE LOVES ME. Really? You're shitting me? No I am serious.

This first day of 2011 I am really trying to see the tree for the forest, to see where things are grand. And I do! Really.

First: Dad didn't die during his first super stressful and horrible episode. No one thought he would live, but he did and was able to express to me for maybe the first time in 30+ years that he loved me and I tell you honestly, it was a revelation and a joy in my life. I honestly didn't know and now I do and I believe it.

Second: I have a good job, and despite my time off for treatment, grief, surgery and the like I have been promoted and am liked by my colleagues. Who knew? I thought they thought I was a fat, grumpy, jaded bitch. I feel that way most days.

Third: My husband. I never thought I'd meet someone like him...probably comes from my f'd up childhood that I would come to believe that there are no people like him in the world. I was wrong. He exists and against all odds, loves me more now than he did when we got married.

Fourth: I got chickens for my last birthday. It's a true joy. When one stops believing in joy and then gets joy given *I realize a couple of baby chicks isn't joy to everyone but please indulge me* it's a true miracle - to experience joy when you believe it no longer exists.

Fifth: I am warm, and full and healthy. One only has to turn on the news to realize it isn't so for so many.

Sixth: This space, the blogosphere, internet, world. How wonderous that a question is only a click away from an answer...maybe a crazy unscientific answer but an answer..and a whole group of women going through what I am going through...I believe it has saved me from a sad sad end and I say this with not the least bit of glibness. There's something to be said for not being alone in sorrow.

Seventh: Had to do seven, it's my lucky number. I opened my eyes today. Just the chance to get it right for one more day. It's lucky. I do realize it and I plan to acknowledge it every day I am given.

I haven't figured out my family yet. I shy away from the adoption papers but they sit there waiting. My husband seems resigned to hear me although I don't know his true thoughts I plan to dig in soon.

2011 it's a good year for me, I hope it's a good one for you.