Monday, November 29, 2010

Vomiting is never a good idea

So not only did my Sister in law bring over her "news" to holiday dinner #1 but she also brought the 3 little ones who had been vomiting for the entire day before(who does that). Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad.

I had a lovely first holiday dinner at dear Dad's drove cross country to dear Mom's and enjoyed lovely second holiday dinner. Woke up early to go black friday shopping with my mom which I've never done and was really looking forward to and proceeded to vomit for the next 24 hours straight. Cursing SIL, god, the universe and everything in it. I think I actually told DH that I wanted to die...eek.

It was really awful.

Other than that :) the holiday was really nice. I got to see almost all of my family and really enjoyed the little ones. I colored, and danced, and sang and read stories and rubbed backs and snuggled.

I also did a lot of soul searching. I truly don't know what to do. I am still adamant about not trying again, either through IVF, IUI or "not using condoms" as educated people keep asking me if I've tried. But being adamant about not trying doesn't take away the fact that I want a child and adoption seems so far out of reach. I am so confused right now I don't know which way is up.

I am also so angry at my Best Friend. She just really doesn't get it, and having been a very big part of my life for the last three years, I just don't understand how she can't get it. One of the condom comments came from deja vue we had this conversation before and I explained the fear, and stress, and the legitimate concern that I would have another ectopic. How I am past the point of just letting it all go and having sex to see what happens. I just don't get it that she doesn't get it. She immediately clams up when I want to really talk about it or she says something flip like. "Your uterus has only been fixed up for a few months and you are giving up". Nice. The hard part is she is a really good friend, a sympathetic friend who is alway helping people and worrying about people. It hurts even more that she is so blase about this. I have been having very eloquent discussions with my head.

On a happy note, During the whole vomit fest I realized again how much I love my husband and how truly lucky I am. The man (with a very real and overactive gag reflex) got up with me each and every time I vomited to stroke my head and back, hold my hair out of the way and tell me it would be ok. He also got me a tissue, my toothbrush, whatever I needed and didn't complain not even a little tiny bit. He spent time with my mom (I was pretty much incoherent for most of the 24 hours). He also rebooked our flight out because I was still vomiting at the time we would have needed to leave for the airport and I didn't think the other passengers would appreciate that. (Another $1000 later and we are home...that could have been meds for another cycle. Yikes. I think I will send the bill to dear SIL.) Some people just don't get love like this and I appreciate the fact that I have it and I hope I get to keep it for a long long time. Having gone through infertility and three miscarriages I am a little jumpy that it will be snatched away from me at any moment so I plan to give it all I've got.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

i predicted it

My sister in law is pregnant and announcing it tonight at dinner. I knew this was going to happen. I predicted it. She was nice enough to pull me aside to tell me which I do appreciate. Still I feel the sting of not being able to make my own announcement and I am bitter that she already has three. I mean is that fair?

Some small consolation is the raw seafood, soft cheese and margarita I've had so far today and I am looking forward to champagne at dinner. We get two thanksgivings this year today at my dads and tomorrow at my moms. I fully plan to eat myself silly and top it off with some cocktails.

Friday, November 19, 2010

I broke down today. The last two days I was traveling for work so I had to pretend I was fine and that I have no personal upheaval going on.

I think I did ok - I almost had myself convinced I was ok. I'm not. The floodgates opened up this morning as soon as I had time to contemplate.

I'm distraught. Discouraged. Devoid of hope for the future of my empty womb.

In fact I've decided to break up with IF. It's been three years of disfunction and I've had enough. IF ruins everything and that's not acceptable in my book.

I reserve the right to change my mind but at the present time I've decided that I will not pursue any more treatments. Not IVF and not IUI. I also don't want to try to "just relax and let it happen" I want off of this fucking train. I talked to my therapist about it and she was supportive. She said something that made a lot of sense. In my case I need to weigh the emotional, financial and physical cost against the odds of it working. For me, right now, the cost is too great.

I haven't given up on being a mother yet, I don't think. Donor egg donation really isn't an option for me, I am too afraid of going through all of that only to have a miscarriage. Surrogate again not an option. That leaves adoption.

It's been a rough week.

DH's Grandfather died and since I was traveling for work I wasn't able to join the family for his services. I don't feel closure. We will miss him dearly.

I found out for the millionth time that I am not pregnant and then didn't even have a moment to cry about it or address it and instead had to pretend all was fine and dandy.

On top of that I have been going a million miles an hour at work.

DH's cousin is now far enough along that they are planning her baby shower. I can't fucking go to that. I just can't. A. No one needs that much bitterness at such a happy event. and B. I think I might just lose my mind if I had to sit there.

I just want to lay down and sleep and pretend all of this isn't happening but that's not really an option is it?

So I will one more time start some research into adoption and try along the way to coax DH into discussions about it. I will also have to try to come to terms with the fact that I will never have DH's and my children. That's what saying I give up means and that's scary but the thought of trying again literally makes me physically ill. I am tired of what this is doing to me as a person.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Not Happy

I did it. I tested this morning 11dpiui...stupid I know..but it's already done and it was negative. So I've wasted a test because although I am pretty sure that it will remain that way, I will of course continue testing until Friday.

Not happy, not happy at all.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I can't form a coherent thought

Well at least not in a timely manner that's required for polite conversation. I keep forgetting words..and stand there searching, saying, you know the word I am thinking...?

Plus I ate dinner and sat down on the couch at 7pm last night to just hang out for a bit and fell asleep. I slept until the Mr. came home and put me to bed and then I slept through the night.

The progesterone suppositories are killing me. I am a fluffy, squishy even fatter image of myself with a new and disturbing mental defect and the inability to stay awake for a full day. Plus my breasts are so sore and have been for over a week I would gladly give them to someone else. Please take them, I don't want the fuckers anymore. It's brilliant. I had to do a training last week and was terrified that I would say "you know that thing, you know where you click?"

I have also been having these crazy all over the place conversations with myself.

"If you get pregnant and you have another miscarriage, this is it. I am not kidding, we are not trying again." "Well what if it works out and it's twins a boy and a girl and our family is complete" "Oh for F's sake, who are you kidding"

"Well ok if we don't get pregnant, then we are going to do IVF and then that's it." "I don't really want to do IVF" "I know but what if that is what would make the difference and if we don't for the rest of our life we would wonder if that would have given us a child?" "Fine, but what if I do IVF, go through all of the medical visits, shots, retrieval, emotional crap, empty our bank account, and it doesn't work or worse it works and we miscarry or have another ectopic that leads to more surgery or more injections, more pain?" "Um" That's where I have no more words, I mean who can argue with that.

I hate to be so negative, hate hate hate it but I just don't have an answer. I don't know whats best.

I've decided I will test Wednesday. It's 12dpiui. I got the super early tests, three of them, so I can test on the 12th, 13th and 14th and then stop the progesterone. I figure if I test on Wed and get a positive, maybe my RE will do a beta on Thursday and then another on Saturday saving me from having to find a lab in podunk Pennsylvania where I will be for all of the next week.

Friday, November 12, 2010


Today is Friday, there was very little traffic, the sun is shining and I am going out to lunch. What could be bad about that :)

I am 7DPIUI and patiently, sometimes not so patiently waiting. It hit me like a ton of bricks earlier this week that it will be a miracle if I am pregnant and even more of a miracle for it to be viable but since then I've been able to "just be", mostly because of the comments on that post. I feel stronger, I just can't explain it. Maybe it's a letting go.

It continues to amaze me the support I am finding here. The ladies who pour out their hearts on their own blogs and then take the time to come over here and give me a boost. It overwhelms me and keeps me going and I am so grateful.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I hate statistics

My hate for statistics is not a new one. I failed my statistics class in college. Eeek. I just didn't get it...and the second time around I didn't get it much better but at least I passed since it was a required course. Now being a computer science major with a minor in mathematics and failing stats is just downright embarassing. but it, stats, just doesn't make sense to my logical mind. Now some might say that stats are very logical....I disagree.

Today I hate stats just as much as I did back then but for a different reason. Although I am failing miserably at a whole new type of testing now.

I have a bunch of stats swirling around my head today...maybe if I spit them out here I can stop thinking about them.

Here's one I am struggling with. My risk of miscarriage is about 50% or more. That's ugly.

Here's another one. The chances of a woman concieving through IUI after age 40 is anywhere from 1.2% to 20% I've read. The upper end is with more follicles. Still not great.

At sart dot org it says that in a woman age 41 - 42 (which I will be at the time we do IVF) the Percentage of cycles resulting in live births is
12.3%. I am not sure what that means...12.3% of cycles or I have a 12.3% chance per cycle.

Genetic adverse outcomes risks with IVF are almost 5% if I am reading the chart correctly...

Downs Syndrome risks at age 42 (which I would be at birth of child which is how this is measured) 1 in 60 or 65 depending on where I read it.

It just all seems so futile. I started to do the hopeful thing last night, the "If I get a positive test next Wed, I can call and get bloodwork on Thursday and then get the second set on Saturday." and "It will be so fun to tell my mom we are pregnant over Thanksgiving" The hopefulness was short lived. It sort of hit me like a brick today.

I have a better chance of not being pregnant, and a better chance, if I do get pregnant, of miscarrying than the infinitely better outcome and it's so disheartening. I hate to be so negative and feel so helpless but it really will be a miracle if I get pregnant and give birth to a living child and I am not feeling miracles lately.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Trying to remember what I came here for

I started this blog just to get the words and thoughts out of my head. To get some clarity and say the things that I had let go unsaid for so many months and years. The things I didn't have anyone to hear. I'm not a writer and I am not trying to win any awards. I just wanted a safe place to post my thoughts.

It turns out that it has been a wonderful place for that and it has really helped me to release some of the anger and sorrow and clutter from my mind.

An unexpected and happy side effect was that when I tentatively started commenting on others posts those people came back and started reading what I had read and posted comments of encouragement for me.

I say tentatively because I was and still am always worried that I will say the wrong things, that I will say too little or too much, talk about myself too much in a comment that is meant to show understanding. Or completely miss the mark on what the persons message was.

An unexpected and not so great side effect is wondering if people like me. If I am being judged...How silly...I am only showing one side of myself but my need to "be liked" still shows up even in this virtual IF world and now it's even crossed over into Posting. Is this post going to upset someone? Is the content too gross? Does anyone even care?

I don't know where all of this self doubt has come in on my posting ability and why it's shown up recently but it's certainly stopped me from posting at times when I had something to say. I am going to try to remember why I came here and do what I set out to do and not worry about all the rest of it.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Caution TMI at the end of the post!!!

In sharp contrast to how I thought yesterday's IUI would go, it went great. DH and I talked on Thursday night about how we wanted the day to go and what each of us could do to make it happen *it felt very grown up :)*.

It worked! We both got up at 6:30 and I got in the shower while DH went out to the living room to get business done. I thought I would have about 30 minutes to get ready but he was back with his sample in 15! So we drove together to the clinic(so we could use the carpool lane to get there within the alotted hour). I ended up going with wet hair but not a biggy. We did the drop off and went out to breakfast.

No screaming, crying, shame, or blame involved. IT WAS WONDERFUL.

We sat and talked over breakfast avoiding baby talk like the plague. IT's just too much to discuss it now I think. It's all been discussed.

Then we headed back to the clinic for the IUI and again, this time was much different for me. DH came in with me and stayed with me the entire time. We joked and talked and he held my hand. He didn't even flinch when the Dr said "Wow you have great cervical mucus" Blech :) She said it several times and looked at DH and said, "That's really a compliment" It was really funny.

The sum total of all of the above is that I didn't feel like I was going through this alone, finally. So thank goodness that's done and on to the wait.


I am feeling really crappy. My breasts are really sore and I am so bloated and heavy and achy in my abdomen and "down there" and in addition I have gulp...diarrhea which has caused a hemerrhoid to flare up. Yuck. Anyone else have this side effect. The Dr said usually people get constipated..but of course I have to be different. I am not feeling so great. This is much worse than when I used Clomid and the Femara but I am hoping that means that a lot more is going on with this one. I think the copius amounts of Cervical mucus, gross as it is, is a good sign. I start the progesterone on Sunday so that should make all of the above even more fun,I expect I'll be bloated for awhile..

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Away we go!

Today's appointment was much better than Mondays.

We have two good sized follicles (17.8 and 18.? I forget the . part.) and one mid sized at 15.8 that may go as well and a few small ones. She thinks there are at least 9. It turns out the dr didn't mention those smaller ones on Monday, because they aren't relevant for this cycle but that in an IVF cycle with a higher dose of the injections she was sure that those would have grown as well. Which was something that I didn't ask on Monday and was worried about.

It's so interesting to me that the smaller 13 mm one went to 18 something and the one that was 15 went to 17.8. That's so random.

In addition to the good news follicle # wise, I have a good one on each side, which helps with the fact that I may or may not have a tubal issue.

So we are good to go tonight with a prescription for my last *please, please, please* shot, some good loving tonight (theres no NOT weird way to say that) and an IUI on Friday.

Now fingers crossed that DH doesn't have an issue on Friday morning and fingers crossed that this works.

I fly back east for Thanksgiving vacation on the 20th which is a pain because I will test at home on Friday and then if positive will get bloodwork. The first set I can get Friday and then I will have to find a lab back east to do the second set. Dr said I can wait until I get back, but I will be on progesterone and it will did she say it...."a pregnancy that will not work out". GULP. Just the thought of it makes my heart hurt.

I have done a lot of thinking about that possibility and I truly feel that if that's the way this goes down, that I will be done. I know lots of ladies have gone through way more miscarriages and heartache than I have but I think for me that will be it. That will be the limit of what I am willing to go through. I am about 80/20 on that. Is it morbid that this is the way I think, or is it self preservation?

Here we go again ladies.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Where did they go?

So two of the follicles from Friday have not done anything. So now we are down to two. One 13mm and one 15mm. Humpf. I know I should be happy there are two, but I was really hoping for at least three to give me a better chance.

So another wanding has been scheduled for Wed and then potentially I will trigger then for IUI on Friday. Of course this throws off my whole schedule. SO if this doesn't work - we won't be able to do another injectible cycle next month - I will be out of town CD1 - CD 7 so won't be able to get the US's and bloodwork.

The # of follicles worries me....this is our dry run for IVF and we only have two? I didn't get to ask the Dr about this - so I will put it on the question list for Wed. I am on 150IU..I guess they can bump that up.

*I totally forgot this part. I only have one full dose of Gonal F left and Doc wants me to stim for two more days..So the nurse showed me how to syringe out the partial doses from the four pens to get one more dose. Phew. At first when the Dr told me to keep going I was thinking I was going to have to give myself four shots in one night.