I am having a really hard time. Last night I had a lot of back pain and cramping and today some more sharp cramps. No bleeding. My symptoms are still there, nausea that comes and goes, breasts are sore and bigger, bloated like crazy, very tired but I am on progesterone, and so maybe some of those symptoms can be attributed to that.
I just don't know anything and it's so frustrating. I'll admit that I've already started to move on in my mind. Future planning for what I feel is another inevitable loss. I feel really bad about that. I wish I were more hopeful. I wish I could look inside myself and feel this was going to end well. I'm just really struggling.
I'm headed out in a few minutes to meet friends for lunch when what I really want to do is huddle under the covers and sleep. At least when I'm sleeping I don't worry.
I've been going over and over what my RE said after the US, trying to get her mood into her words. She was very good at not showing emotion. She said to be cautiously optimistic. She said don't run out and tell everyone. She said it could be just too early. She said she might have seen a yolk sac, but couldn't be sure. But I felt the mood in the room change. When I arrived for the apt, the nurse who has been starting off my apts for 2 years was bubbly, we talked about how this happened and how great, and they were so excited for us. Then RE came in, she said some of the same, how happy she was, how exciting. Then after the apt, it was a more somber mood. The nurse waved on our way out and she looked different. It all changed.
I have spent the last three days being hopeful and trying to visualize a positive outcome and I think I've worn it out. Today I just can't feel anything but sad, sad for what we've already been through and sad that this pregnancy seems to be going the same route. How sad.