Sunday, October 16, 2011

Struggling with patience

I am having a really hard time. Last night I had a lot of back pain and cramping and today some more sharp cramps. No bleeding. My symptoms are still there, nausea that comes and goes, breasts are sore and bigger, bloated like crazy, very tired but I am on progesterone, and so maybe some of those symptoms can be attributed to that.

I just don't know anything and it's so frustrating. I'll admit that I've already started to move on in my mind. Future planning for what I feel is another inevitable loss. I feel really bad about that. I wish I were more hopeful. I wish I could look inside myself and feel this was going to end well. I'm just really struggling.

I'm headed out in a few minutes to meet friends for lunch when what I really want to do is huddle under the covers and sleep. At least when I'm sleeping I don't worry.

I've been going over and over what my RE said after the US, trying to get her mood into her words. She was very good at not showing emotion. She said to be cautiously optimistic. She said don't run out and tell everyone. She said it could be just too early. She said she might have seen a yolk sac, but couldn't be sure. But I felt the mood in the room change. When I arrived for the apt, the nurse who has been starting off my apts for 2 years was bubbly, we talked about how this happened and how great, and they were so excited for us. Then RE came in, she said some of the same, how happy she was, how exciting. Then after the apt, it was a more somber mood. The nurse waved on our way out and she looked different. It all changed.

I have spent the last three days being hopeful and trying to visualize a positive outcome and I think I've worn it out. Today I just can't feel anything but sad, sad for what we've already been through and sad that this pregnancy seems to be going the same route. How sad.

5 comments:

JJ said...

Sending lots of good and positive vibes your way!

bunny said...

I think it's understandable that you're mentally preparing yourself for the worst. And positive thinking and good thoughts from all those rooting for you guys and hope aside, this pregnancy will either work out or it won't and it's already decided. It sucks so much that you are in limbo, more than I can possibly imagine. And I'm totally not trying to be negative, I just hope you can feel whatever you're feeling without any additional guilt, any worry that not forcing yourself to be happy is going to affect the outcome. I know I'm very hopeful for you, and I personally think your RE telling you to be cautiously optimistic is a very good thing. I think if she were certain this was not going to work, she would never have said that. I hope you can feel sad for a few days if you need to, and that this wait will end in wonderful news.fa

b said...

i am thinking of you and hoping that everything is okay and will turn out fine. try to keep positive. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

I've been where you are now and know how painful it is. Sending you lots of love.

Mrs. Misfits said...

This is the worst kind of torture time. I have loads of hope to send your way and the tilted uterus does complicate things. Yet, I know that no matter how much want and love you've got for plan a, having any sort of plan b help one cope when needed. Be good to yourself, even if it means lots of ecrta sleep.