Monday, February 28, 2011

It's not bad enough I'm infertile and miscarried three babies.

Apparently I also am meant to suffer excruciating pain in the lead up to my periods now.

Severe back aches and cramping, with nausea this month and sore breasts for days. Yes, Yes, of course I tested. BFN times eight. Yes I said eight. Eight more HPT's for the landfill. I am sufficiently ashamed of my lack of self control.

I ask you though, what am I supposed to think? I have been feeling so crappy and the only thing that makes that kind of discomfort bearable is the idea that by some miracle I might be knocked up.

I'm not.

My only consolation is that perhaps as I bleed this horror of pain will end. The physical not the mental. I plan to dull that later with a glass or two of red wine.

Still here, still infertile.

P.S. I decided to try IVF. Well at least 60% of me has decided. The other 40% is still resisting. You should hear the conversations with my DH. Him: What do you want to do? Me: I think we should do it...but I really don't want to? Him: Uh what? Me: I go on and on for several minutes about why and why not.... Him: Ok maybe we should talk again in a couple of days. Me: defeated OK


Kelly said...

I'm sorry that you're dealing with all this AF pain and about the HPTs. I hope that one day, DH will be a little more open to having the conversation.

linda said...

We hope against hope...I'd be POAS, too. With abandon. Please don't feel shameful or silly in that.

The first IVF is hard...hard to imagine as the process is new, sounds complicated, is a nuisance to coordinate, but you've got a blogland full of women who will help you through it. :)

AmyG said...

Such weariness -- here's wishing you brighter days ahead. I hope you come to decisions that you feel great about.