Wednesday, November 9, 2011

What's next?

I've been thinking about what's next...A LOT.

I don't know if it's too soon but my mind wants to jump there. It's a very confusing place since my mind and body says "I NEVER WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN". This being, get pregnant and miscarry....I mean no one wants that but at just shy of 42 years old and a RPL'r my odds are quite good that if we try this again it will go the same way.

My other part..the part of me that wants a baby says "We got pregnant, how crazy is that? If we could do that again maybe, just maybe it will work out."

and then the other part screams..."I WILL NOT GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN."

So where that leaves us is at adoption, which is a solution to the emptiness that I would feel of having a childless home...

Does that leave us with donor egg options? I don't think so. Still, my mind wanders there.

Child free living? It has its advantages, I can see that, but I can also understand how desolate it feels right now and maybe that's just right now? Maybe I will feel better about that option as time goes on?

Some things that I've been struggling with also that I find completely unfair but I'm sure are fairly common:

the feeling that I did something wrong

the feeling that I am not good enough - that I am being punished

the feeling that if we are this unlucky that other bad things will happen (I have a grave fear that I will lose DH and it turns out he has the same fear. We are clinging to each other like drowning sailors)

the feeling that I've let people down

the feeling that I am somehow less in other aspects of my life, that people will shy away from me and my "bad news". I think this comes from the fact that it actually happens...people don't know what to say and do so they shy away from interactions.

I know those feelings are false and fabricated by my mind in response to what's happening but it's exhausting dealing with them.

On a slightly happier note, I've decided to do it up for the holidays. Send cards, decorate and just really drink it all in. I really want to.


Kelly said...

I can completely identify with this post. It's the exact place my husband and I were a year ago. I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this and that you're so conflicted. Who wouldn't be after going through such hell?

Give yourself time to heal. Hopefully, in time, what you need to do will become more clear.


bunny said...

Being totally conflicted makes perfect sense. Both paths are not what you wanted, dreamed of, and deserved. You're so wonderful and so obviously "good enough", as if that even mattered (c.f. pregnant with #20...), but I can imagine how these sad trains of thought would go through your head.

I'm glad you guys are turning to each other during this awful time, but I'm sorry other people aren't as supportive as you deserve. I am guilty of not knowing what to say, too. It's just so crushingly unfair and saddening and people feel so helpless. It's very generous of you to understand why they react this way.

I also hope a path becomes clearer as you consider your options.d