Monday, October 31, 2011

No hope.

I went in this morning and there's no heartbeat. I got to see it with my own eyes. The sac is now 2cm and placenta still has good blood flow but there's minimal growth in the fetal pole and no hb.

It's all done. I'm either numb or crying. I feel like my miracle's been snatched from my hands. It feels really bad.

Dr apologized for how things were handled...I didn't bring up the email I may let her know later that this may not be the best way to deliver this news.

Dr offered a D&C. She said if I try to wait it out it could go on for weeks. She also offered meds but she didn't make those sound good. She said they would cause a lot of painful cramping. She said I could wait a week and see how I feel about the options. Let's just be truthful here, all of the options are big steaming piles of shit. It's just one pile of shit over another to choose from.

I told my boss. He's been good, he offered working from home as an option this week (he offered time off as well but I want to keep my mind occupied). I may do that tomorrow but I think I am going to try and go in on Wed. I need a diversion. Yesterday I sat on the couch or in the bed the entire day, with a look on my face similar to someone in a drug induced haze. I had a friend who needed to take lithium for Bipolar disorder. I felt the way she looked on those days when the lithium had really kicked in.

I've contemplated calling my therapist..I've contemplated just getting my GP to prescribe some anti depressants..but maybe I'll just wait a few days. One thing I know from experience is that this will pass and at some point I will feel a little better and then a little better. I just want to fast forward to that time because right now my spirit is crushed. My faith and hope and belief in good is all used up and gone.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

finally news and it's not good

I spent most of this morning on the phone and ended up being told that I would not be able to get any results until Monday because the US order for Friday was not done as a rush order. I talked to radiology, my Dr's office, the nurse line etc.

Then I got an email from my Dr also saying that we wouldn't be getting results until Monday and that she was sorry. I resigned myself to this fact.

Then I got an email from my Dr saying that she did get the results and that during the US "they did not see a fetal pole with a heartbeat this time." She offered to have me come in on Monday for her to do an US so that I could speak with her and to definitively confirm it. She only has one apt time for me to do this which falls during an important mtg I have at work on Monday. I know work should take a lower priority but I can't lose my now I have to tell my boss what's going on. I don't want to discuss it.

She gave me this info in an email. I don't care what you've got going on...that's shitty. Why would she do that? She told me to continue the crinone until Monday....I don't want to prolong things. What would you do?

I am completely devastated and angry and bitter. How long is it going to take me to get back on track with my life, how is this going to affect my relationship, why did this happen to me again?

This feels like the worst day of my life and I want to pretend it's not happening.

still no news, but more info on apt

So still radio silence from our Dr office. We did call both the nurse line and the emergency line who said this is not an emergency...I know that but

Anyway - I didn't explain my apt well last night I was so livid when I was typing. This is how it went.

We arrived at 3 me with a full bladder. She proceeded to do the abdominal US which I have to say is it's own brand of torture with a full bladder. All I could think while she was doing it was "when is she going to be fucking done with this and get on to the real part?"

So she asked me to go empty my bladder, I did, came back and she started the transvaginal. So yes, she did do some of it. What's worriesome to us is that she did some measurements and then my bladder was filling again so she made me run across the hall in my paper blanket and pee again. She said she would then finish the exam but when I came back, she was gone. She was gone for several long that I thought maybe I would need to pee again. When she came back she said that she had talked to the Dr and that what she had done already was enough.

That's all we know. DH did not see her measuring HB which he did see very clearly last time and this piece is what has me absolutely devastated.

I realized at about 5am this morning that I have seen notices at my RE's office recently that they are moving. I think the move might have been yesterday. Someone f'd up royally over there. This is completely unacceptable. I don't know if I should continue the progesterone this am. If I needed a D&C it would have been nice to have the option to have it today or yesterday for that matter. WTF?

One thing I know for sure is I am never fucking doing this again. However this turns out, this is my last visit to this place. I thought I was done after the IVF. I am so done now, I need a new word for done.

Friday, October 28, 2011

apt has come and gone

And I know nothing. I am furious with my dr. Dh didn't see the tech measure the hb and she had me go mpty my bladder again to continue and when I got back she was gone. She came back and said she had talked to the dr and what she had done was enough ... now I am waiting in fear and so angry. This isn't news you wait to tell.

the post before THE post

Our third ultrasound apt is today at 3pm and it feels like it's been a lifetime since last Thursday.

I haven't been good for much of anything. I've been completely exhausted and basically either working, lying on the couch or sleeping. The house is a complete disaster. DH is doing a lot and I am so happy he's stepped up. I don't feel well but I am hoping that means we will have good news today. Nausea comes and goes but the fatigue just never lets up. I will be reading during the day at work and my eyes will tear up and close because I just can't keep them open one moment longer. I've also started with this new's like right before you realize you are going to pass out and your stomach kind of turns over. It's so hard to describe but I feel it all the time without the passing out thankfully.

I really haven't been freaking out about today's apt. I put a stop to Google searching. I just really needed a break from the what ifs and honestly it helped. I think as much as I want someone to tell me what is going to happen, or to find some piece of evidence that will tell me what is going to happen. No one knows and that's a fact. What also helped is Bunny broadcasting my angst and getting a lot of lovely ladies to come over and give me support. When I realized what was going on I bawled my eyes out at how sweet that was and it was so needed and so appreciated.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Update to Ultrasound

Dan and I were talking last night and come to find out not only did he see her measuring the HB but he saw the numbers. I asked him what they were, which I am now wishing I hadn't. He said she measured twice - 70 and 72 bpm. I didn't believe he really saw what he said because that is so low and not good news. So I emailed my RE and she confirmed that yes, the HR was between 70 - 72bpm. I am devastated. She said it could be too early and we have to be cautiously optimistic which is what everyone keeps saying but everything I've read says it's not good news.

I am still trying to be positive but I don't feel very. Am I misinterpreting the info? Anyone have experience with this? I know a Heartbeat didn't mean I was out of the woods but I felt so much better before I knew the absolute number. In fact I feel downright out of hope right now as everything I've read today says a HR < 100 at this point is almost surely due to chromosomal errors.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Cautiously More Optimistic

We went to our apt this morning at 10am at the RE's office only to get the...sorry I can't see anything conclusive but this time she sent us across town to the radiology dept for a 30 minute long abdominal and transvaginal US. and....we have a heartbeat. The embryo is still measuring small...6 weeks but still could be ok. I've never had a heartbeat before and am a little bummed I didn't get to see it. Since in Radiology they can't show you the screen or tell you anything. Dan did see her measuring bpm and figured out that yes there was a heartbeat so he knew something was there before I did so we were pretty hopeful and awaiting the Dr's call.

So it's good news, but still cautious.. I think that may be measuring small even for not knowing when we ovulated based on when we got our first beta. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I intend to google it for the rest of the afternoon. Dr said it means we remain cautiously optimistic and I go in next week for another radiology scan.

Thank you so much for all of your support this last week. It was excruciating but it helped to have all of you.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Struggling with patience

I am having a really hard time. Last night I had a lot of back pain and cramping and today some more sharp cramps. No bleeding. My symptoms are still there, nausea that comes and goes, breasts are sore and bigger, bloated like crazy, very tired but I am on progesterone, and so maybe some of those symptoms can be attributed to that.

I just don't know anything and it's so frustrating. I'll admit that I've already started to move on in my mind. Future planning for what I feel is another inevitable loss. I feel really bad about that. I wish I were more hopeful. I wish I could look inside myself and feel this was going to end well. I'm just really struggling.

I'm headed out in a few minutes to meet friends for lunch when what I really want to do is huddle under the covers and sleep. At least when I'm sleeping I don't worry.

I've been going over and over what my RE said after the US, trying to get her mood into her words. She was very good at not showing emotion. She said to be cautiously optimistic. She said don't run out and tell everyone. She said it could be just too early. She said she might have seen a yolk sac, but couldn't be sure. But I felt the mood in the room change. When I arrived for the apt, the nurse who has been starting off my apts for 2 years was bubbly, we talked about how this happened and how great, and they were so excited for us. Then RE came in, she said some of the same, how happy she was, how exciting. Then after the apt, it was a more somber mood. The nurse waved on our way out and she looked different. It all changed.

I have spent the last three days being hopeful and trying to visualize a positive outcome and I think I've worn it out. Today I just can't feel anything but sad, sad for what we've already been through and sad that this pregnancy seems to be going the same route. How sad.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

There's a pinhole in my bubble

The Ultrasound was inconclusive. There is a gestational sac measuring 6 weeks. Possibly a yolk sac. She can't be sure. I have a tipped uterus and apparently she said that makes it harder to see because the top of your uterus is farther away from the probe. I guess I could be around 6 weeks give or take a couple of days. I guess this could be ok. I just don't know and it's hard to not hear the air hissing out of my bubble.

It's just so disheartening. We've been through this before with Pregnancy #2. I don't know what else to say. We go back next Thursday to see if she can see anything.

I haven't cried, I just am a little numb. I did have a momentary thought on the way home...kind of a "why bother putting us through this again universe? What's the point?" and then I decided to squash that kind of thinking.

As far as I know I am still..pregnant today.

Monday, October 10, 2011

You must keep your stress down

That's what I am getting IRL. With two days to my scan I get more and more agitated. Meditative breath is my friend. It is so hard to keep my mind from wandering back to the other three scans. All bad news. All devastating. I imagine a tiny embryo wit a heartbeat. I picture the congratulations and tears of joy but it feels fake....and I feel I will be punished for the audacity to dream of this good outcome. I am pregnant today..I am pregnant new mantra.mantra

Saturday, October 8, 2011

A very nice increase

The HCG shows a very nice increase consistent with a growing pregnancy ! That's what my Dr said! 7,396....I've definitely never been here before and I feel very hopeful now. US on Wed...Please let the good news continue.

Friday, October 7, 2011

I'm glad

I'm really glad that I am pregnant and at this point. Even if it means worry and I don't know the outcome, I am just really grateful.

Going in at 6:30 to get another HCG level. I'm grateful for that too.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

just not sure

I'm not feeling as exhausted as I was. The nausea is there but not worse. I called and asked for more bloodwork but what if it's bad news? I will go get it drawn tomorrow so at least I will have one more datapoint before the long wait until next Wednesday.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Future Planning Panic

Ok...still adjusting my attitude, but freaking out a little bit.

My Re's office suggested that I schedule my OB apt - you know the one that I've never made it to...the you're actually, probably going to have a live baby one...(they suggest this to everyone after two good Betas)

So I did call, which was good because my OB books up early as I remember and come to find out she only works two days a week now and is even harder to book...

Two things. I love her, and she handled my ectopic and miscarriages with so much compassion and care that I have some deep feelings of respect and a little love, as odd as that sounds, for her. BUT...I am afraid to go back go back to her...I mean as far as pregnancy goes she's only given me bad news....and that sort of erases the 10+ years of great Gyne care I got from her..I know it wasn't her fault but I picture myself getting US in her office and my whole body feels how bad it felt to get the bad news. All over again.

I think I need to find another OB but then again am I over reacting? I also really want her level of care. I need someone who knows and understands what I've been through and she does.

Look at me future planning....that's Anxiety attack #2. Spoke to OB's office and scheduled a 10 week apt. Which should be fine as I would graduate at about 8 from RE (who I also love). Lovely nurse who called me back from OB suggested I attend the OB orientation class....on what to expect at my apts and what to do now to ensure a healthy pregnancy etc...and while I know a lot more than most newly pregnants, it sounded lovely...and I was excited for a I booked it....the evening of my US on 10/12....hence my anxiety....what was I thinking?

I go back and forth between "Who do I think I am future planning." to "We promised ourselves we were going to go forward as if everything is going to work out and not burden this time with negativity"

I am trying...I am really trying to do what I need to do but I have to is scary no matter how many attitude adjustments I make. It's just plain scary.

Just a note - somehow t.a.r.g.e.t knows I am pregnant....I got a big book of baby coupons from them....what on earth?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Attitude Adjustment

That's what these last couple of days have been about. Adjusting my attitude. See I decided that since this will likely be the last time I am pregnant(*I won't say that positively but likely) I decided I am going to enjoy it. Easier said than done, so it's been 100 small attitude adjustments a day. Things seem to be going well. I was crampy yesterday and had some odd fullness in places that didn't feel awesome. Terrible back aches in the middle of the night. My Boobs are off and on sore, and everything smells different. I've had two gaggy episodes and this morning I was insanely hungry and nauseous all at the same time. I am reveling in the nausea..I never had it like this. Not even close. Bring it on. I have no complaints. Just please keep bringing it.

I POAS..and it was so satisfying I did a small dance. How could it be satisfying when I already knew I was pregnant? I guess it's just a visual that made it all real.

I know this could all go differently at any moment but I am going to continue to adjust my attitude to imagining it going well. I figure I can enjoy this process that I may never get to enjoy again, or I can ruin it by imagining the worst..easier said than done, but I will keep trying 100 times a day.