I've been traveling for work and haven't been reading, commenting or posting. I am still in Asia but finally have some down time and free internet :)so I was able to read and comment today.
Infertility has been on the back burner lately. I did consider and hope by some miracle that I might be pregnant this month but the feeling and eventual let down was easier. Maybe each month will get easier, here's hoping.
Most of my colleagues here are young - mid 20's to early 30's and just getting started with their marriages and boyfriends. One young lady said that she and her husband want to enjoy each other before they start a family. Since children are so much work. I had to clamp my mouth shut so that I would not blurt out things like "Don't wait too long" and " A womans fertility sharply declines at 35" and "Do you know what a true miracle it is to actually get pregnant?" I didn't say any of those things. I didn't want the blank and "what's wrong with this old lady" stares.
I've been enjoying myself though. Experiencing local cuisine, and traveling with locals is so preferable to just showing up as a tourist. My team has been very kind, traveling around with me and taking me to the really interesting places. It's been an awesome trip. Plus it's the first time I've met some of them and this will definitely improve our team feeling. We are now not just faceless email colleagues. We are getting to know eachother. It's been nice.
I am excited to get back. I want to attempt to get pregnant this month. I have decided that IVF is not necessarily the be all and end all. I can still do what nature intended and see what happens. I know this is a long shot, but it's something. It feels better that way. I have really let go of this whole thing being my fault and that's been good. I've let go of the "IF I just: was thinner, ate the "right" foods, did yoga, had started treatment earlier, took more and different vitamins, had accupuncture, started trying earlier, was better, smarter, stronger, different... I would have gotten pregnant"
I know I should never have felt all of that, but I did and it hurt. I feel like I am coming out of a very dark period but it is getting better. I feel sad at times and very sad at others, but I also feel hopeful for a good future with lots of joy and a sense of wonder about what my future will bring. I guess I feel less stuck.