Saturday, February 5, 2011

Radio Silent

I've been traveling for work and haven't been reading, commenting or posting. I am still in Asia but finally have some down time and free internet :)so I was able to read and comment today.

Infertility has been on the back burner lately. I did consider and hope by some miracle that I might be pregnant this month but the feeling and eventual let down was easier. Maybe each month will get easier, here's hoping.

Most of my colleagues here are young - mid 20's to early 30's and just getting started with their marriages and boyfriends. One young lady said that she and her husband want to enjoy each other before they start a family. Since children are so much work. I had to clamp my mouth shut so that I would not blurt out things like "Don't wait too long" and " A womans fertility sharply declines at 35" and "Do you know what a true miracle it is to actually get pregnant?" I didn't say any of those things. I didn't want the blank and "what's wrong with this old lady" stares.

I've been enjoying myself though. Experiencing local cuisine, and traveling with locals is so preferable to just showing up as a tourist. My team has been very kind, traveling around with me and taking me to the really interesting places. It's been an awesome trip. Plus it's the first time I've met some of them and this will definitely improve our team feeling. We are now not just faceless email colleagues. We are getting to know eachother. It's been nice.

I am excited to get back. I want to attempt to get pregnant this month. I have decided that IVF is not necessarily the be all and end all. I can still do what nature intended and see what happens. I know this is a long shot, but it's something. It feels better that way. I have really let go of this whole thing being my fault and that's been good. I've let go of the "IF I just: was thinner, ate the "right" foods, did yoga, had started treatment earlier, took more and different vitamins, had accupuncture, started trying earlier, was better, smarter, stronger, different... I would have gotten pregnant"

I know I should never have felt all of that, but I did and it hurt. I feel like I am coming out of a very dark period but it is getting better. I feel sad at times and very sad at others, but I also feel hopeful for a good future with lots of joy and a sense of wonder about what my future will bring. I guess I feel less stuck.


AmyG said...

What a restorative trip! Good for you for gaining such a positive perspective. I think women like us are so used to feeling responsible for everything, so it's a major accomplishment to realize that it is NOT your fault. It's empowering for the rest of us to read these words, so thanks for this!

Mrs. Misfits said...

I have missed you greatly. I am glad that you are enjoying this trip and I'm glad that there has been some un-TTC related adventures.

i was nodding along with all the same things above. How cruel we are to ourselves? Can you imagine anyone trying to blame you for all the things you can blame yourself for?

Hopeful for a good future is a great place. I am glad that you are less stuck. This is a great place to star.

linda said...

Travel can be so good for getting clarity...sounds like this trip has been really restorative for you. I'm jealous of the sights and foods you're getting to try! :-)

I have a hard time, too, when those young thangs take their fertile years for granted. Little do they know how fleeting the time is. But I'm not sure they'd listen even if we told them. I know I didn't.

*kicks self*

bunny said...

That sounds like an amazing trip, and like being away from your normal life has really given you some space to think. Hopeful for the future is really as good as it gets.