Friday, December 16, 2011

I apologize

First off let me start with an apology..for the last week I've been thinking about posting when I am not feeling at rock bottom and of course I didn't so here's another post of me losing it...which I am sorry for. It's also on those days that I have a tough time commenting so my comments have dropped. I really do have whole days of doing fine but it seems like I only post on the bad ones. I'll try to remedy that in the future but for today it's a not so nice one.

We went to our follow up apt for the IVF which ended up being a follow up to the IVF and the shit storm of a roller coaster we got onto with the pregnancy after the IVF.

I actually had been doing pretty well this week until today. I didn't realize how depressing this conversation was going to be. I was not at all prepared.

The gist of it is of course we can continue to try and get pregnant but there's really a very slim chance that we will ever end up with a live healthy baby from a union of my egg and his sperm. Donor and embryo adoption are pretty much off the table too. I'm on the cusp of 42 with two prior uterine surgeries and 4 pregnancy losses. The odds are not with us.

We can go as far as doing IVF with PGD and maybe doing several IVF freezing the embryos and then testing to do one mother of a fact we could go all the way to gestational surrogate at that point. We could.

We could do as little as just let nature take its course and see if the next embryo sperm combination could grow..or the next. She confirmed though that my chance of having another miscarriage due to my age is already quite good and that adding in the uterine difficulties I've had it's daunting.

We could do any combination within that range including ovulation induction with IUI including doing a massive IVF type induction and then doing only the IUI portion since with me it seems to be an embryo numbers game and not an issue with our egg and sperm getting together.

Basically she's not telling us to do any of these or quit which I suppose is good but at the same time it's quite bad. She basically said. You can get pregnant and it's possible that you could create a viable embryo and it won't hurt you *physically* to try but it's a pretty long shot. What's more likely is that I would miscarry again...and again.

I think about putting this behind me.
I think about trying again and just being brave.
I think about adoption.
I think about the what ifs of all of the scenarios.
I'm exhausted.

It was a very sad visit. She knows and we know that it is likely over for us and that is just so sad it's hard to even comprehend how sad it is.

I now have a massive headache and didn't finish a massive report that I need to get done and all I want to do is go to bed and have a long sleep.


Mrs. Misfits said...

I am so sorry for the avalanche of depressing news. Facing this over and over is enough to make you want to crawl up into a ball permanently. I am sending positive thoughts as you process next steps and start to thaw from having so many options thrown at you. It's so not okay to have to face all this at once after having a heartbreak so soon. I am wishing for new hope on the horizon.

Augusta said...

I am very sad to hear about the grim report you obtained from your RE. And sad about the choices you are facing, none of which are easy, none with a clear path with overhead shining light that says 'baby: this way.' This is really shitty news and I just hold you in my heart with my warmest affection. Hoping there is time to sleep and take good care of yourself this weekend.

not undecided said...

I am so sorry that just when you're starting to have decent days, it becomes time to try and consider all of this. Post whenever you actually feel the need - it is human nature to want to vent and seek support more when low than when meh or higher...I have the same pattern usually. I hope you'll find hope and a path forward in your options (though I too would absolutely resent having to choose from them as they are).

JJ said...

Oh Jennifer -- I have nothing to say but "that sucks". I'm so sorry that you just seem to be getting hit with bad news over and over and over again. Never feel like you have to apologize for what you post on your blog. My therapist told me it's good therapy to write it down -- good, bad and ugly. I am thinking of you during this holiday season as you are faced with the unknown and difficult decisions! Please take care of you!

bunny said...

You sure as hell don't owe anyone an apology. I'm so sorry that these are the choices you're faced with, it's incredibly unfair and heartbreaking. It sounds like she was doing her best to be honest, but I wish she'd been able to leave you with something other than suffering. I'm just so sorry.

AmyG said...

What a tremendously awful situation. I hope, so much, that you and your DH get some kind of energizing breakthrough soon and that you have many days and moments of peace.

Mrs. Brightside said...

Me again, just left you a comment on an older post. So first I stumbled here, and now I just realized that you were one of the kind bloggies from Misfits that left me some words of support the other day. Thank you so much for that!!! I'm so sorry once again for this shit news. I'm struggling with all these same fears and options too. Nothing good about it. Not one thing.

Heather said...

Oh Jennifer. My heart goes out to you. Post whenever you need to - you do not need to apologise for that. Please just know that you are so special, take it one day at a time. Hope you did manage to get some decent sleep.

Marissa K said...

I'm sorry to read what you've been through. Life is just the worst sometimes, isn't it? It's like, will there ever be any GOOD news when it comes to infertility? That's how I feel anyway.

Also, I just read your post from last month about your pregnant co-workers. UGH! I've dealt with that more times than I care to and it makes me want to punch something. SO HARD.