Friday, April 15, 2011

One foot in front of the other

One foot in front of the other...That's how it feels dealing with infertility. I just keep taking steps even though I want to go somewhere else, I keep walking down this path. I'm weary and the pack is getting heavy. The sun is beating down and I am running out of water. My bug spray is not working and I am surrounded by mosquitos. I've lost faith that I will get to camp with everyone else and feel I am weighing my team down.

I'm still trying to eat right, I fell off the wagon a bit but it was just some minor things. I struggle with not feeling like a failure. I went to class again this week and met another new member. All of the ladies are much younger than me..obviously it bothers me some..The learning to be present and observe but not judge aspects of the class are really helping me. I judge every aspect of my journey.

My favorite kitty has lymphoma. Oscar the cat. He started losing weight and the vet ran a battery of tests and that's what it is. He's continued to get skinnier. We have options for treatment but they guarantee nothing. He's an older kitty - 14 or 15 as far as I know. He's gotten me through more than one rough spot in my life and it is physically painful for me to see him get weaker. His passing may be one of the most impactful of my life. Is that odd to say. Well it's true, I'd be lying if I said it were different. For now we are enjoying our snuggle time and I am making sure he doesn't hurt, that's all I can do.


Illanare said...

It's not odd to say. My own darling little cat is close to 16, I have had her since she was 6 weeks old and she is the love of my life. I am so sorry your Oscar is sick - thinking of you both.

Augusta said...

I'm so sorry your kitty Oscar is sick. It sounds like you are applying what you are learning in the class about being present to the time you spend with him.

linda said...

It's always hard to lose a pet, but there's something particularly brutal about losing a loving creature that you've raised since a baby while you're dealing with infertility and that crap. I hope that Oscar isn't in pain and is able to stick around a bit longer. I have two cats that are the loves of my life. I would crack in half if anything happened to them. Thinking of you.

bunny said...

That is a heavy pack indeed--I'm so, so sorry about Oscar. I'm hoping if you can just get to the top of this hill there will be a nice cool spring (you packed your water filter, right? If not, I'll imagine a kid selling lemonade) and a breeze to blow away the mosquitoes and a nice shady tree to sit underneath for a well-deserved rest. And hey, this way by the time you make it to camp, everyone else will have done all the annoying set-up stuff.