Thursday, April 8, 2010

Bitter fruit?

I don't know what on earth is my issue today. I am bitter bitter bitter. Bitter that I am blown up and bloated like a macy's day float. Bitter that I have to wait 10 more days to test. Bitter that I have to wonder if I will have another miscarriage..wait let's just get to the pee stick and go from there. I want these 10 days to go quickly and at the same time I am terrified of either outcome. How do I continue to do this? How much longer will I be able to continue if this cycle is negative or worse..? Here's to a better outlook tomorrow. I am meeting some friends for dinner, so hopefully that will cheer me up. A restaurant with mirrors on the fun is that. I really will look like a macy's float!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

tick tick tick

The time goes so slowly in this two week wait. Day 3 and my numbness from yesterday has been replaced by constant thoughts about "the countdown". I don't want to get my hopes up, I don't want to be so dissapointed but I also don't want to be negative's a fine line. It's made me grumpy and reclusive. The most important thing in my life and most people don't know, won't want to know, it's not a story you whip out at the weekly I just get quiet and lonely. I think people at work may think I have a mood disorder, up one day bubbly and fun and then quiet and snappy the next.

In other news I've started the progesterone supplements, how fun is that, my boobs inflated overnight. At a pretty substantial DD normally any inflation is pretty unfortunate. :)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The full range of emotions

Well I'm two days post IUI and I actually had to think about what day it is in the cycle. That's new, I don't know if that's a good thing or not. It could be that my Dad is in the hospital with an untreatable illness and I am 100s of miles away. It's somewhat taken the focus off of me and my silly ovaries. It's been a long focus. 2 years and 1 month since my first pregnancy which turned out to be ectopic. A cornual ectopic no less a statistical anomaly in the ectopic world and I am that statistic. I have no tubal issue, no scarring, no blockages, no reason but I digress.

In that two years I have been pregnant two more times once which went to eight weeks before the DR finally addmitted that we would not be seeing a hearbeat this after three ultrasounds spaced out over several days and absolutely normal HCG levels with no bleeding. Devastating. Before that one I had a good deal of hope that we just needed to get pregnant again and all would be well. The next time we got pregnant the numbers again doubled but I got the telltale bleeding at week five and ended that one in the emergency room after passing out on the bathroom mat in a pool of blood. I thought I had another ectopic but it was a "normal" miscarriage. I have not been able to get pregnant since.

I am in my second Clomid IUI cycle and during the first I was sure I was going to get pregnant. Hope springs eternal. With three large follicles and well timed Ovidrel shot and IUI I thought how could I not. I was devastated, almost as much as with each miscarriage. This time I am finding myself forgetful, almost not a part of the process. I wonder if it is a protection in some way. I feel the same way about news of my fathers illness. Numb.

I still find joy though and sometimes it surprises me. My nieces are always good for some comic relief with their pure joy for life and the chickens as they grow are just comical. They sit in a coop with a mesh screen front and the cats lay in front of it and watch it as if it's a wide screen television set up for their own entertainment.

These chickens were a gift from a good friend after my last failed IUI. It's a good friend who can give you chickens :) It did the trick for me, pulling me out of my doldroms watching them grow from tiny chicks into gangly teenage chickens. A perfect gift for a childless mother.