It's all getting away from me

I've been lurking and checking in with everyone but haven't been posting or commenting. It seems the only time I have to read is right before I go to bed and I've been doing it on my phone which means posting and commenting are too much for me on that tiny screen at that time of day. I am going to make myself use the real computer to read your posts since I always want to say something and it's so frustrating to not be able to.

So anyway I am here, I am fine. (Thank you for asking :) I appreciate that)

I am still eating right and have been exercising every day which is helping. My mood is just down the toilet though. I mean I am irritable...I am sorry for those who are dealing with me at work right now. Everything is just so annoying...I am annoyed most days and as much as I try to not put it on other people it just spills out. (I mean sometimes it's with good reason, seriously if people would just take a moment and reason things out my life would be so much easier....but I digress)

I went to my first "Meditation and relaxation" session last night. It was pretty cool. Of course I got super irritable during the day and did my little "I don't want to go routine" "No one will like me" etc...but I muscled through it and I think they liked me ok. It was hard because we all had to intro ourselves and our infertility struggle...which made me cry. I'm so tired of the story. I was also the only one who had been pregnant and that made me feel odd man out a little bit. I could almost feel the "At least you've been pregnant" Although that may have been in my head.

I felt so much compassion for the other women too which makes me feel good. I feel so bitter and irritable IRL that I was concerned I had lost that part of me that used to be a good listener. I guess maybe subject matter makes this compassion easier to access.

We did some deep breathing which always makes me more self aware than I like which makes me uncomfortable but I did feel all of a sudden the tension I was holding in my body and it released with a thump. It was just a short exercise and we are supposed to try that each day this week. I am going to do it. I think a daily practice will help me a lot.

IVF...has to be postponed. I have a work thing that's terrifying to me - I have to present at a conference. I am not a public speaker. I am one of those people that wishes they would break their arm or something else terrible so that they would have a good excuse not to present. It's only an hour but it's right in the sweet spot of what will be retrieval or transfer and I will be so stressed it seems like I have to push the cycle out another month. Doing so pushes it into a trip for my BF birthday but she keeps telling me it's ok if I miss it. I mean I could probably keep pushing it out and pushing it out.

I have to get to work now but I am going to comment this evening.