Thursday, April 7, 2011

It's all getting away from me

I've been lurking and checking in with everyone but haven't been posting or commenting. It seems the only time I have to read is right before I go to bed and I've been doing it on my phone which means posting and commenting are too much for me on that tiny screen at that time of day. I am going to make myself use the real computer to read your posts since I always want to say something and it's so frustrating to not be able to.

So anyway I am here, I am fine. (Thank you for asking :) I appreciate that)

I am still eating right and have been exercising every day which is helping. My mood is just down the toilet though. I mean I am irritable...I am sorry for those who are dealing with me at work right now. Everything is just so annoying...I am annoyed most days and as much as I try to not put it on other people it just spills out. (I mean sometimes it's with good reason, seriously if people would just take a moment and reason things out my life would be so much easier....but I digress)

I went to my first "Meditation and relaxation" session last night. It was pretty cool. Of course I got super irritable during the day and did my little "I don't want to go routine" "No one will like me" etc...but I muscled through it and I think they liked me ok. It was hard because we all had to intro ourselves and our infertility struggle...which made me cry. I'm so tired of the story. I was also the only one who had been pregnant and that made me feel odd man out a little bit. I could almost feel the "At least you've been pregnant" Although that may have been in my head.

I felt so much compassion for the other women too which makes me feel good. I feel so bitter and irritable IRL that I was concerned I had lost that part of me that used to be a good listener. I guess maybe subject matter makes this compassion easier to access.

We did some deep breathing which always makes me more self aware than I like which makes me uncomfortable but I did feel all of a sudden the tension I was holding in my body and it released with a thump. It was just a short exercise and we are supposed to try that each day this week. I am going to do it. I think a daily practice will help me a lot.

IVF...has to be postponed. I have a work thing that's terrifying to me - I have to present at a conference. I am not a public speaker. I am one of those people that wishes they would break their arm or something else terrible so that they would have a good excuse not to present. It's only an hour but it's right in the sweet spot of what will be retrieval or transfer and I will be so stressed it seems like I have to push the cycle out another month. Doing so pushes it into a trip for my BF birthday but she keeps telling me it's ok if I miss it. I mean I could probably keep pushing it out and pushing it out.

I have to get to work now but I am going to comment this evening.

1 comment:

Mad Hatter said...

It sounds like you're doing really great work, Jennifer - you're eating well and exercising and I'm so impressed that you went to the meditation and relaxation session. The fact that you're keeping up with all of these things even though you're feeling irritable is a HUGE accomplishment. My hat goes off to you!
I hear you on the hatred for presenting at conferences - I feel the exact same way. Sorry that it means putting off IVF. It sounds like you have a true BF there...perhaps you could do something special to celebrate her birthday before the trip?
Hope you're feeling better soon!