Friday, August 16, 2013

CD1 and stepping back into my life

Well here I am again, physically back to fairly normal.  I was actually shocked when my cycle started I had gotten used to being in the limbo land.  Well hello again...I guess I'm not "pregnant" anymore for real.

I have to come clean....a couple of weeks ago I took a pregnancy test and it was positive and I decided to keep it.  After the ultrasound where the Dr. definitively announced this pregnancy as a miscarriage I had thrown away all of my pee tests...there were a lot.  Then I regretted it.  But really what was I saving them for?  Peeing on a stick and seeing the positive made me feel better.  How freaking odd is that?  The only thing I can figure out is that it made it real and not something I'd a "see I really was pregnant" kind of way.  I think it's an antidote to the world around me that's acting like nothing's happened.  Starts to make a girl feel a little crazy, if you know what I mean.

The tears have come this week.  I cried myself to work two days this week and definitely cried on the days I worked from home.   I don't mind the tears.  It feels real.  It feels justified.  I am fairly confident the tears will give way to some sort of acceptance at some point.  I'm just riding it out until they do and trying to steer clear of stupid comments from well meaning but misguided people in the meantime.

I did a lot of research into the foster to adopt program this week and am realizing it won't be easy.  I think I am ready to face the challenge though.  I find myself wishing my husband already had children, from a previous marriage and isn't that so strange? I guess I just WANT to mother regardless of genetic ties, I want to mother and I think it's time to make that happen.