Wednesday, June 29, 2011

It's how much?

I got a call from the pharmacy today about my meds for THE IVF cycle. I mean I knew it was going to be expensive...I had no idea how much of some of the items I would need though and I under estimated by $2,000.

I also recently realized that my Drs Office has been billing everything to my old HMO instead of my new plan even though I called them early in the year to change it. The young woman I talked to ADDED it as a seconary insurance instead of changing it...I don't understand what part of "I am calling to change my insurance information" was confusing.

So I have no idea what I now owe on the US's and tests and procedures I've had so far this year and it boggles my mind that no red flag came up on their

So I am in at least $8K right now possibly more and that doesn't include retrieval and transfer or any of the US's or E tests. None of this is covered by insurance.

I feel ridiculous to be spending this kind of money when I have some ridiculously small chance of actually concieving and a huge chance of miscarrying if I do. I feel downright duped. On the other hand the time is now, there is no other time I am completely out of it..time. So it's now or never and I will run up my credit cards and sneak money out of my savings and hope neither one of us gets laid off.....If I asked S.U.Z.E she would most certainly deny me..

It's hard for me to do this. I never had any money. My Aunt used to send me a box of goodwill clothes and that was my clothes for the year. No allowance no spending money. I got my first job at 14. I worked through college and lived in some questionable apartments with lots of people to make ends meet. I used to clean up the sofa cushions where I worked so I could grab the change out of them... I've spent the better part of my adult life being frugal so that I could feel some sense of safety. I've just gotten my head above water in that respect..and now to be spending this kind of money.. this feels very "unsafe".

I know I should feel good that I am able to do this. That I have the money (in one form or another) but today it doesn't feel just feels sad and desperate (please no one take this to heart - anyone in a similiar situation - this is me talking about me and only me.)

The plan is Estradiol tabs until the 10th(which completely suck...I am so bloated) then add Progesterone, then stop on the 19th. Hopefully to start injections on 7/24, retrieval around 8/4 and transfer 3 - 5 days later. That's the plan and I guess I am sticking to it.

Oh and Blogger...driving me crazy! I just tried to post on another blog and it took me round and round again with the signing in....nearly want to tear my hair out.

Friday, June 24, 2011

It's on

Hysteroscopy - Check
Polyp removal - Check

Waiting for Cycle nurse to call with next steps....crickets.

My surgery went much better than last time. Of course last time we added the laparoscopy for fun and I had much more heavy duty anestesia which made me vomit. This time no vomiting and very little down time.

Now I just want to get on with it. No more delays, no more polyps.

There are so many unknowns and I am freaking out about the less pleasant outcomes of getting through this process and not getting pregnant, getting through this process and having another miscarriage, getting through this process and having there be something wrong with the baby, risk of multiples(as if), risks to me, I could go on...but the only way through is forward. I just have to take what comes and deal with it then.

My kitty is still very ill and we have been dipping into our IVF money for additional tests for him. I guess I wanted them to tell me something different but $1500 later and same answer...kicking myself...

The one treatment that's been offered is chemotherapy but since I am trying to get pregnant I can't get anywhere near the pills or him so we are not treating him with that. Just prednisone....which is just keeping him comfy. It's hurts my heart that I can't give him a chance by giving him the chemo...I feel like I am denying him a chance but then I remember how old he is and try to remember he's had a good long life. Of course I want him to stick around forever.

Update - I forgot about the acupuncture update - that's what happens when I blog so rarely. It was interesting. He uncovered my knees, feet and belly. He talked to me about my diet :( And then while he was talking he took a cleansing swab thingy and quickly dabbed it on all of the injection was kind of like a little dance he did it was so quick and the needle placement was done the same way and just as quickly. I can't say it was painless. Some of them hurt worse than others..the ones in my calves and feet mostly. I couldn't even feel the ones in my face and ears.

Then he put a heat lamp on my belly which really felt just lovely and I was left to myself. So I tried to relax and do my belly breathing but I just couldn't relax I was so bitchy. The Dr had put me on BCP and to be honest I just don't do well on it. I had been bitchy for a week already. So I didn't really feel I would be able to relax but finally I realized I was having a dream and woke up with a start. The funniest thing was that I felt a current running up and down my legs from my feet and up and down and up. It was the strangest thing I have ever felt. I go back tomorrow.

Friday, June 10, 2011

I can't comment

It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I get to the screen with the word verification and my comment field is blank. It's the most frustrating thing!

I started with an acupuntcurist group. I would say I started acupuncture but I haven't. I went on Monday and had an abdominal massage. It was very interesting. It was a little uncomfortable, sometimes actually painful. The therapist told me at the end that I may feel sore during the week and that I should expect to feel a release of emotion and that I should prepare for that. I looked at her and said yes I understand, ok thank you....but I had no idea what she was talking about until starting mid day Wednesday.

I bawled all the way home about my cat who is dying. I cried that night while watching tv, I cried yesterday over small things and sometimes I just welled up over nothing at all. This morning I cried watching the news with my morning cup of decaf.

What on earth? I thought she meant I might have some release of emotion around infertility. I had no idea it would be like this.

Power of suggestion?

Anyway, I have been eating so well this week. Several days in a row without even really trying. It's been wonderful.

I go back for another abdominal massage on Saturday because she also said I was "still blocked" not sure what that means.

Two of the ladies in the fertility group I attended are pregnant and doing well.

Did I tell you that my FSH went from 10 to 7.5! My RE was astonished...hmmm maybe there is something to this alternative therapy I've been doing? I hope so. At the very least I feel like I am accomplishing something.

Fingers crossed my surgery will go well in two weeks and I will be able to hit my IVF target end of July.

Update: So it seems I can comment on the pop up blog posts but not the embedded ones. There are three I just tried and it kept me on a continuos loop, login, comment, login, word verification, login, word verification and repeat.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Ground.h.o.g day and only myself to blame.

Well here we are again and I have no one to blame but myself...and maybe the universe.

I have a hysteroscopy scheduled for june 23. Sonohystogram on Friday showed a polyp, fibroid, scar tissue type object. Not air bubbles as we were hoping.

She did the test 4 times..yes FOUR! I am allergic to ibuprofin so only had some extra strength tylenol in the system and I have to sucked big time.

The first time she didn't inflate the balloon on the catheter enough and it popped when she inserted the wandy. The second time same thing. Now I still had a full bladder because before the sono she had done the Cath check. Trying to check as many things off as we could. So on number three things were going ok but she couldn't really visualize well and she saw "something" down the hall I marched in my paper blanket with blood running down my legs...oh going in and out of my cervix so many times caused me to bleed. So I settled in for the fourth look and yep the shit was still there...some sort of intrusion into my previously cleaned up uterus...FUCK.

Why didn't I just do IVF when we were preparing for it last year? Why? Now my husband is all upset that I have to go under anesthesia again and he was already freaked out about everything that can go wrong with IVF. So instead of anyone calming me..I am calming him...I do love him but really? It's me having surgery. It's me that had the apt from hell last week.

Anyway - I went to an accupuncturist last night to get started and she gave me a diet to start...not happy about it. Monday I start the stomach massage and then the week after we do the accupuncture. The day of transfer they actually come to the IVF office and do accupuncture before and after..crazy. Of course this is a bunch more money. My husband said we were "hemhoraging money" I thought that was appropriate if a little bit morbid. I figure we give it one last blast and then I think I can be done, one way or another. I am still doing the meditation and I honestly feel like a happier person. I've even been know to giggle a bit.