Monday, December 27, 2010

Opting in by not Opting out

I have something shocking to say, well it feels that way. We've been having unprotected s. e. x.

So I guess by not opting out of trying we are opted in this month. I really do NOT want to get back into it whole hog though and am really trying to go with the whole "whatever happens happens" mentality. It's working somewhat. I did pick up some ovulation predictors. I figured at least if I know I can know if we were close to hitting it, BUT I decided I will not pressure, ask, cajole or use any other method to get DH on a "schedule". If it happens it happens.

So there we stand. I am hoping I can not freak out the last two weeks of the cycle...and just stay with the "it's out of my hands" thoughts.

Still don't want to do IVF, just don't. It may not make sense, sometimes not even to me but it's what my gut says. Sometimes I beat myself up about being weak and then I remember how strong I've been for how long and I ease up on myself.

However, It's still a major topic of conversation. My hairdresser thinks I should ...because you know, a friend of a client's gotten pregnant twice so it's sure thing and I'd be crazy not to do it. ;) I guess if I didn't want to have these conversations down the line, I never should have brought it up in the first place right.

I think everyone IRL who knows about our IF is going to go through a struggle about where to put us now. I mean before we were infertile but going through infertility treatments. Now we are infertile and somewhat lost as to what to do next. We've fallen out of the box so to speak, floating around in free space. So I don't blame people for trying to put us back into that box. It's a little bit bewildering to be floating around, who knows where we might end up or what might happen.

To be continued.

Monday, December 20, 2010

On a break

I've been taking a break from all things infertility related. I wish I could take a break from all things baby related honestly, but that seems impossible during the holidays.

Making the decision to not try IVF was a bigger one than I thought. I haven't changed my mind. I still don't feel it's the right choice for us, the thought of it makes me nauseous, even though many people have questioned me...many fertile people..who I look at and think wtf would you have been able to endure. I just didn't realize I would have another whole wave of grief come over me at this decision. I thought it might be liberating. Humpf.

I also went on and did open adoption research and ordered many pamphlets, brochures and info. When I received them I sat down to get started and promptly cried my heart out. I guess I am not ready. Not done grieving. It's almost like I am having to relive the last three years again. The ectopic, the miscarriages the treatments and tests and surgery. It's hard to not be sad.

I also got another "I'm pregnant" seems to be the time of the year.

I am contemplating not trying to prevent a pregnancy and just seeing what happens..but I don't even know if I can get up the courage to face it all again. I want to repair my intimacy with my husband and we all know that this method doesn't help with that.

I am in a limbo state and it's all foggy and vague. I don't know which way I am going or where I will end up..I just hope the pain lessens up a bit so I can let in some holiday cheer.

I hope you are all hanging in there. I am going to get caught up with all of you hopefully in the next couple of days.

Friday, December 17, 2010

i miss them

I miss my babies. I miss them. They were never realized but they existed and they are gone.

My husband told me today he loves me more each day and I am struck by how lucky and how unlucky I am in the same breath.

If our love can't create a child. Then where's the sense in that?