Saturday, November 26, 2011

I just want to be alone

Alone is hard to come by lately and normally I wouldn't complain

But...it's only when I'm alone that I can feel what I really feel without concern that I will worry people or freak people out with the intensity of my emotion regarding what some think I need to put behind me.

I am mostly fine but if I really think about what's happened I'm forever changed.

I have been enjoying the season with only the occasional outburst of "she gets to be pregnant?" type thinking or something similar. At times though I am surprised and saddened at the lack of "Keening" that I am able to do or that others are doing on my behalf. Isn't this sad? Why is everyone trying to pretend it's not?

The stars are not wanted now put out every one
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood
For nothing now can ever come to any good

I know it could be worse...believe me I know. I know this is not the saddest outcome in this realm or the saddest problem people have in the world at large...I know..but it could also be much better than it was..is.. and I am mourning my loss alone in a world that doesn't recognize it or doesn't want to acknowledge it.

Sweep it under the rug, pretend you aren't sad. That's 99% of my day. The other 1% is mine and I am fucking gutted. I wanted a child..I want my four children. Maybe they weren't children in other's sense of the word but the spark was there and I want them back and for that 1% of my day when no one is looking, I keen for them as hard as any mother could.

6 comments:

cgd said...

thinking of you sweetie- I suffered a loss after 4 failed ivf's, it was pure torture as I am sure all losses are, but there was something extra here. Something about the fear that we may never get (meaning be pregnant) again, truly terrible.
sending you lots of love, you are not alone

Augusta said...

I bet that while on the outside, 99% of your day is "playing normal" and 1% is grieving, on the inside, it probably is more like 90-99% grieving. I agree completely that the world is not interested in what goes on inside, not interested in other people's sorrows. It's only in the specific relationships, the life-saving friendships that one can be completely real about the intensity of the grief. And, as your post eloquently states, when one is alone.
I am thinking of you and hoping for continued healing, and gentle care from yourself and those who love you.

not undecided said...

I will keen with you, and I get it. I hate the way the world can be fascinated by meaningless minutiae while being so purposely oblivious to what this is REALLY like. Don't blame you at all for wanting to be alone - you're not alone in that.

bunny said...

Totally heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry that this is such a solitary sorrow. Every loss must be unendurable, but this last one seems like it had a little extra knife-twisting cruelty that just makes it so hard to understand.

AmyG said...

I won't ever pretend that your losses are anything other than utterly awful. Sending my love over the interwebs.

Mrs. Brightside said...

Stumbled onto your blog today -- I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. This post brought tears to my eyes, I can relate to it so much. I can see that I isolate myself more than is probably healthy, but sometimes I just want to feel what I need to feel without worrying about its effect on others, the pretense of "being okay" is exhausting, when the pain is always so present.