Alone is hard to come by lately and normally I wouldn't complain
But...it's only when I'm alone that I can feel what I really feel without concern that I will worry people or freak people out with the intensity of my emotion regarding what some think I need to put behind me.
I am mostly fine but if I really think about what's happened I'm forever changed.
I have been enjoying the season with only the occasional outburst of "she gets to be pregnant?" type thinking or something similar. At times though I am surprised and saddened at the lack of "Keening" that I am able to do or that others are doing on my behalf. Isn't this sad? Why is everyone trying to pretend it's not?
The stars are not wanted now put out every one
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood
For nothing now can ever come to any good
I know it could be worse...believe me I know. I know this is not the saddest outcome in this realm or the saddest problem people have in the world at large...I know..but it could also be much better than it was..is.. and I am mourning my loss alone in a world that doesn't recognize it or doesn't want to acknowledge it.
Sweep it under the rug, pretend you aren't sad. That's 99% of my day. The other 1% is mine and I am fucking gutted. I wanted a child..I want my four children. Maybe they weren't children in other's sense of the word but the spark was there and I want them back and for that 1% of my day when no one is looking, I keen for them as hard as any mother could.