Monday, October 31, 2011

No hope.

I went in this morning and there's no heartbeat. I got to see it with my own eyes. The sac is now 2cm and placenta still has good blood flow but there's minimal growth in the fetal pole and no hb.

It's all done. I'm either numb or crying. I feel like my miracle's been snatched from my hands. It feels really bad.

Dr apologized for how things were handled...I didn't bring up the email I may let her know later that this may not be the best way to deliver this news.

Dr offered a D&C. She said if I try to wait it out it could go on for weeks. She also offered meds but she didn't make those sound good. She said they would cause a lot of painful cramping. She said I could wait a week and see how I feel about the options. Let's just be truthful here, all of the options are big steaming piles of shit. It's just one pile of shit over another to choose from.

I told my boss. He's been good, he offered working from home as an option this week (he offered time off as well but I want to keep my mind occupied). I may do that tomorrow but I think I am going to try and go in on Wed. I need a diversion. Yesterday I sat on the couch or in the bed the entire day, with a look on my face similar to someone in a drug induced haze. I had a friend who needed to take lithium for Bipolar disorder. I felt the way she looked on those days when the lithium had really kicked in.

I've contemplated calling my therapist..I've contemplated just getting my GP to prescribe some anti depressants..but maybe I'll just wait a few days. One thing I know from experience is that this will pass and at some point I will feel a little better and then a little better. I just want to fast forward to that time because right now my spirit is crushed. My faith and hope and belief in good is all used up and gone.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you. I've been in this very situation before and know how stark and painful it is. Sending you much love.

Dead Cow Girl said...

I'm so very sorry. It seems we are cycle sisters of the worst kind. I received this news today as well. I wish I knew something that anyone could say to make it better.

cgd said...

I am so very sorry to hear this news. Was pulling for your little miracle. I know how this feels, I lost our miracle baby a few yrs back (natural pregnancy after many ivf failures). I just so sorry that you find yourself in this space.
wishing you much love
Carrie

Augusta said...

Oh Jennifer, I am just gutted for you. This is completely UNFAIR. I am really sorry.

b said...

i'm so so sorry :(

Mrs. Misfits said...

I'm sorry for this. All of it. My thoughts are with you right now and for the storm of emotion ahead. I know that this gets no easier as you go through it again, and I also know that it gets better, even if that feels like so far off at this point.

Take care of yourself and do what makes sense for you all around. You are not alone here, just know that.

JJ said...

Jennifer -- my heart hurts so much for you right now. This truly just sucks and I am so sad for you. Take good care of you.

Eyes Wide Open said...

Well, fuck. I'm so incredibly sorry. After my third m/c, I lost my mind and went into an incredible spiral of depression. I will say that yoga really helped me to move out of that, to move the energy out of my body. It took a long time (nearly a year) but that hour of peace a day eventually made a huge difference. Wishing that you can find some peace in this ultimately shitty situation.
x

Lisa said...

I am so sorry. Fuck. This is terrible news, Jennifer. I wish there was something I could say or do to help you through this. Fuck. I`m thinking of you...xo

bunny said...

Just broken-hearted at this horrible situation. I so wish I could press that fast forward button for you. I hope you reach out and get some support, because while I imagine nothing really helps, this just seems so extra incredibly devastating. I can only hope that someday good seems possible and real again.

not undecided said...

I am so sorry...you are so right, these piles of shit are in no way at all enviable choices to be making.

I wish there was anything to be said that could make it even a smidgen easier, but I know that no matter how fervently and how many of us wish it, it just isn't so. You're not alone.

Heather said...

I am so sorry.