Saturday, January 1, 2011

It is what it is

2011. So far so good. It's been pretty uneventful, except....

Text from my Dad at midnight. Now that's momentous...oh haven't talked much about that..well infertility's been taking the spotlight.

Me and my Dad, not so close these past...well 35 years. What's changed? Lifethreatening COPD cause by a medication he was taking for heart disease. Now if you knew my Dad you would see how truly horrible this is for him. He's the boss, the man in charge, the workaholic, strongman of the family. Now though, He's in a weelchair on oxygen and it's the hardest thing that's ever happened to him and to me and as you've seen from hints at my childhood, it must be a tough one to be at the top.

A positive from this recent development in his life, is a realization that he missed a good bit of mine and that he and I have a lot in common. You see when he was in the hospital on a respirator I found out a bit about dear old dad. He didn't get his lifes dream either. I also found out, wait for it, HE LOVES ME. Really? You're shitting me? No I am serious.

This first day of 2011 I am really trying to see the tree for the forest, to see where things are grand. And I do! Really.

First: Dad didn't die during his first super stressful and horrible episode. No one thought he would live, but he did and was able to express to me for maybe the first time in 30+ years that he loved me and I tell you honestly, it was a revelation and a joy in my life. I honestly didn't know and now I do and I believe it.

Second: I have a good job, and despite my time off for treatment, grief, surgery and the like I have been promoted and am liked by my colleagues. Who knew? I thought they thought I was a fat, grumpy, jaded bitch. I feel that way most days.

Third: My husband. I never thought I'd meet someone like him...probably comes from my f'd up childhood that I would come to believe that there are no people like him in the world. I was wrong. He exists and against all odds, loves me more now than he did when we got married.

Fourth: I got chickens for my last birthday. It's a true joy. When one stops believing in joy and then gets joy given *I realize a couple of baby chicks isn't joy to everyone but please indulge me* it's a true miracle - to experience joy when you believe it no longer exists.

Fifth: I am warm, and full and healthy. One only has to turn on the news to realize it isn't so for so many.

Sixth: This space, the blogosphere, internet, world. How wonderous that a question is only a click away from an answer...maybe a crazy unscientific answer but an answer..and a whole group of women going through what I am going through...I believe it has saved me from a sad sad end and I say this with not the least bit of glibness. There's something to be said for not being alone in sorrow.

Seventh: Had to do seven, it's my lucky number. I opened my eyes today. Just the chance to get it right for one more day. It's lucky. I do realize it and I plan to acknowledge it every day I am given.

I haven't figured out my family yet. I shy away from the adoption papers but they sit there waiting. My husband seems resigned to hear me although I don't know his true thoughts I plan to dig in soon.

2011 it's a good year for me, I hope it's a good one for you.


cgd said...

You have amazing perspective. I am hoping for all good things in 2011. Thanks for all of your support over this past year. I am here to hold your hand for whatever is next to come.

linda said...

Jem, I totally get the chicken reference. I adopted my two cats after a bout of negative IVF cycles...and at a real low point came the chickens. Three of them 1 day old each ... then a pair of rescues, 1 day old and left for dead. I took them home, nursed them back to health. I miss them so much.

There's nothing like the love of a pet chicken. :-)

Sounds like 2011 is off to a good start. Go give those chickies a hug from me.

bunny said...

I'm so happy about the good things, and impressed that you can focus on them. They really are good ones! The bad things sure SUCK. Particularly this latest bit with your father. Although it sounds like it's been weirdly positive! I hope you get some time to know him better and hear more about how much he loves you!

Mrs. Misfits said...

I had to come back to read this again. I like the lucky seven list and 2011 is off to a strong start. I am touched by your reconnection to your father. I am glad that he has connected with you and that it has brought you joy. And for the chickens, I will hopefully be getting these this year as well.

I also hope that by next year there will be a lucky number 8.