Tuesday, July 30, 2013


I read a great post today http://lifewithoutbaby.com/2013/06/03/children-in-my-future/ which talked about the soul needing to heal along with the mind and body.  So touching and relevant to me.  Also there was a comment about two people having met over many lifetimes and the writer says " Lately, when the subject of children comes up, I tell people that in our next lives, my husband and I will have children. But this lifetime was meant just for us and I’m going to enjoy it as much as I can."  What a fantastic way to think and it really touched me.

I've always felt I knew my husband on a deep level even the first day we met.  I felt an immediate level of comfort and ease that is usually a long process for an introvert like me to get to.  I like the idea that maybe this life is just for he and I.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Hormonal Roulette

I am on a roller coaster of hormones.  I am up, then I am down.  I am exhausted, physically wrung out.  I don't remember this...but maybe having the last bits of this pregnancy ripped out of me is different than the slow decline from the last two times.  I could not get out of bed this am.  I am achy and tired and cranky. 

I hope this passes soon.  I'm tempted to use a small amount of the progesterone cream to ease me over the hump..but then I can't figure out if that will even help or make things worse and totally confuse the heck out of my body.

I forgot to tell this part of my apt.  I was so traumatized by the actual procedure.  During the US my Dr. asked us if we had thought about what we might do next.  I was confused..oh maybe we'll go grab some dinner...depending on how I feel.  No.  She meant what we might do next about having children.  I was kind of surprised that she would ask that.  Although she is the one who told me at the last apt. that she had a patient who had many miscarriages and two children.  So maybe she thinks there's some small level of hope.

I think I am done.  I mean maybe if I were 40 or younger I could contemplate this again.  I think if I weren't still recovering maybe I could contemplate it.  But really I feel more done than ever before.  I feel at this point that it's really not a good idea for me to pursue this again.  I think if we did pursue it, the only way I could feel good about it would be to use a surrogate and PGD or donor egg.  I did look into that the other day.  It comes with about a 50K price tag.  That's likely the minimum.  I hate to put a price on it but for me that's just too much and I am physically worn out. I don't know that I could go through multiple IVF cycles to get enough embryos for PGD. 

I think at this point actually foster to adopt is the way we will look.  I actually feel a little excited thinking about it which is new and quite different from how I felt in the past.  I don't know that I've given up on being a parent but I am fairly certain that I've given up on giving birth to my own biological child.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Endometrial biopsy

I finally figured out what my endometrial biopsy  felt like. It was like having someone dig at an open wound with a fork.

I had what I hope was my last ob apt yesterday and the miscarriage was still incomplete. I had taken vicodin before as suggested and was feeling pretty loopy. It didn't help  I think I actually left my body during the procedure. My husband broke out in a cold sweat. It literally only lasted 20 seconds and it was physically  the most painful 20 seconds of my life.

Ironically I woke up today feeling great.

Trying to get back on track emotionally as well.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Incomplete - Update

Fridays apt went from bad to worse.  The nurse took my blood pressure and then said "I have to apologize, we didn't get a big enough sample in your pap smear so we have to do it again."  I said, "I didn't have a pap smear I had a miscarriage.  Are you sure you have the right patient?"  Then she proceeded to argue with me.  I think I know what I was there for.  Then she said they must have given her the wrong information when they pulled my file...whatever.  I was already over it at that point.  Just wanted the hoo hoo cam to show I was done with the miscarriage.

So Dr came in, I didn't bring DH...that's how confident I was that things had resolved.  I didn't look at the screen.  The last thing I want to look at is my now empty uterus.  Except then she made a negative sound so I looked up and lo and behold stuff.  Lining and placenta.  F.  So she proceeds to talk about sticking some sort of endometrial biopsy tool up there to disrupt the lining so it will come out and I'm thinking...ok if she's talking about doing it now it can't be that painful.  Then she asks if I took Vicodin before coming in.  Why would I have?  I was so confused.  Then she was assuming DH was in the waiting rm.  It was a complete fiasco.  We ended up with me leaving and waiting another week to see if I can pass it myself and then next Friday I have to go back with DH and doped up on Vicodin.  Fantastic. 

I walked out to the desk to make Fridays apt.   Made it out into the hall to the bathroom and proceeded to sob in there for a good few minutes.  I was so loud a kind lady asked if I was ok.  I said yes but I truly wasn't.

Spent time with DH's family today.  Who I know he told what had happened.  Not one person asked how I was doing or anything.  In fact when one did say how's it going?  and I said alright, I got an "Only alright?"  Yeah only alright.  That's the best I can do right now.  It will never cease to amaze me how completely horrific this situation is to me and how easy it is for people to just blow it off like it's a hang nail or something.  My mind kept flashing bitter...like a big neon sign.

Friday, July 19, 2013


being at the dr waiting to confirm my miscarriage is complete is bad but sitting here with all of "the pregnants" is just even less fantastic. I feel very sorry for myself right now.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

My friend sent me this. Having a particularly hard day back at the office.

Naomi Shihab Nye  (1953-)


Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things, feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the
Indian in a white poncho lies dead
by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you, how he too was someone who journeyed through the night
with plans and the simple breath
that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness
as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow
as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness
that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day
to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

Monday, July 15, 2013


I think I remember that being one of the stages of grief.  Bargaining...and I am doing it today.  I am crying and telling myself maybe we should try again as soon as I start my next cycle.  I'm already grief stricken, why not just piggy back onto this one with the next one? 

I can't believe my mind is not done with this.  I mean what on earth am I thinking.  What on earth would give me the inclination that the next time would be any different than the prior? Except I still want it to happen.

Just grief stricken.  I guess I won't be bouncing back the way I had hoped.  I think that was a fools wish.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Coming up for air.

It's been a tough couple of days.  Our ultrasound apt on Friday went as expected.  There was no miracle baby that had caught up to dates with a heartbeat. (I still really believed this might happen and cried all over again)  Doing the ultrasound though was calming as well as upsetting.  It really gave me the closure I needed and I would urge anyone to ask for as many reassurances as they need to feel closure.  I actually had a small bit of spotting that I would have missed if I hadn't been looking and some pretty strong but not too painful cramps and back ache on the way to the apt.  Here's what we've gone through since - and it's all about the miscarriage so skip it if it will be upsetting or bothersome to you.


The Dr confirmed that the gestational sac was breaking down.  The yolk sac was large almost as big as the gestational sac which apparently is a bad sign and there were bits in the sac of which she wasn't sure if either were the fetal pole.  What she measured was measuring 6w1d so a day behind the previous week and the whole thing was down at my cervix and so had moved down in that week which explained the cramping she said.  No heartbeat anywhere to be found.

She brought a Nurse Practitioner to the US which bothered me because I was thinking she wanted a second opinion present since I had questioned my own ability to accept things and had asked for another ultrasound and I was worried that she thought I was questioning her.  This is what I assumed but DH said No not true, that when she walked in she said this is so and so NP who is training.  I didn't hear that probably because I was beside myself.

So we decided to go with the Misoprostol and she prescribed 8 pills 4 to be used vaginally and then in 24 hours if no bleeding the other 4.  We did a pharmacy run and I stocked up on junk food, magazines and pads. DH actually got the prescription because based on last time I didn't want to start sobbing while I was there.  I ate a healthy lunch because I wasn't sure how my stomach would respond to the Vicodin.  I am allergic to Ibuprofen and so can't take that so my option was Vicodin which sometimes can upset my stomach.  Remembering how badly the pain hit me last time I made sure to take two Vicodin ahead of time and waited a half hour.  Then I inserted the 4 Misoprostol.  I was actually already bleeding and cramping since I'd gotten home and it was getting worse.  Apparently my body was already doing what it needed to do.  In about 15 minutes I was in tears from the pain and pissed that the Vicodin was doing nothing.  It actually took another hour for that to kick in and I think that maybe there was too much food in my stomach?  Not sure.  So I passed what I think was the sac and a good chunk of what looked like placenta in that half hour.  Then just bleeding with occasional bouts of cramping.  Very little clots or tissue for the rest of the night and today very little bleeding.  At about 3am I was wide awake so I was reading in bed when it really hit me with terrible cramps, crying again and freezing chills.  DH had to get up and help me get more Vicodin, turn the heating pad back on, get me another blanket and rub my back.  I was literally in too much pain to even move.  All I passed was more blood...not anything that would justify that much pain.  This morning I got up feeling o.k. very hungry and so had some cereal and a little coffee.  About 3 hours later I was so ill I could barely move and ended up vomiting.  It was awful.  Not sure what that was since both the Vicodin and Misoprostol should have been out of my system by then.  I spent the next few hours feeling awful, dizzy, tired, headachy and sick to my stomach.

So my dilemma today was did I really pass it all.  I did a lot of googling and decided to do the second dose of Misoprostol this afternoon and nothing.  No cramps, no more bleeding.  I'm a little concerned that I have not passed everything and won't.  My next apt is on Friday for the follow up and I am really crossing my fingers that I didn't go through all of this only to have the D&C anyway. 

Side note - My Dr. was adamant that she would not have done the D&C in office.  She said it is way too painful to be done with a local and that the nurse who scheduled it was confused.  My Dr has had multiple miscarriages herself so not only is she a brilliant doc but she's also very compassionate and understands exactly what kind of pain comes with a miscarriage.  She's the same Dr who did not make me wait for three miscarriages for testing.  She had all of the testing ordered for us after miscarriage #2 and paid for by insurance.  She's truly a great lady.  Anyway there you go.  I actually feel a little better now surprising since I just dosed myself with 800mg Misorprostol but there it is.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

The Sorrow hit hard

I cried so hard last night I thought I might burst an eyeball or something.  It's the first time I've cried.  I mean at the US I had a few crocodile tears but I was pretending I was fine.  Shrugging my shoulders.  Giving DH a little smile.  And I've been keeping up that persona all along.   So. FINE. I'll admit it.  I've been toughing it out thinking I'd been through this before and I can take it.  But I can't.  The sorrow is just as sorrowful as it's ever been and I feel bad for myself.   I don't like to feel this way so I hope it goes as abruptly as it came.  I am sitting with it though because I know if I send it away it will just come back later on and torture me all the while.  I don't want to diminish anyone's pain.  A miscarriage is horrible but I had hoped that I would escape this one with a little less of the sorrow.  Unrealistic I guess.

D&C on Tuesday is no good.  The surgery center gave my spot to someone else.  I guess that's what happens when you sit on the fence.  It's looking like next Friday is the earliest and I am still not sure what road I will take.  I understand that work should take a back stage but I refuse to miss out on the work things going on next week.  This road has taken too much from me and I won't allow anymore right now.  Stubborn?  Yes probably.

I go in tomorrow for an Ultrasound.  There's no point in doing it except my mind just will not let me rest that there is still a live baby in there.  At the very least we will probably see things smaller and reabsorbing that's what happened last time and maybe that will make the pill vs D&C conversation an easier decision.  On the other hand if things grew...but are still behind then what will that mean.  I guess we'll see.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Not sure what to do...any advice would be helpful.

Dr just got back to me about D&C.  She can't get me in to surgery center until next Tuesday..I had been hoping to get this dealt with this week because next week Wed and Thur I have two big workdays offsite where I will be in a big room with our entire corporate team.  Lots of team building and interacting etc.  I'm even staying at the offsite location one night. 

So my other options are to use the pills again and just deal with the pain and bleeding.  I know what to expect so I am less concerned about it than DH.  It was awful but manageable.  Choice #2 is to have a D&C in the office under local anesthesia.  I'm not so much a fan of this and would prefer the pills at home.

Choice #1 is the pills and my concern with that is complications but I could be through with things by the end of the week and have already requested to work from home this week so no disruption really in work.  I didn't have any complications last time but my HCG levels took a long time to come down..I think it was about 8 weeks and that was trying plus it was painful and distressing.  On the other hand I was in the comfort of my own home.

Choice #2 is the D&C on Tuesday and hope that I have no issues with going to the offsite on Wed.  I really have no idea what to expect but remember after my hysteroscopy being quite sick that day and taking the next couple of days off to lay around on the couch.  Benefits of this is that it would be over and from what I've read unless they miss some placenta the HCG levels will come down quite quickly.  I've also read there's less bleeding and minimal cramping so there's that.

Choice #3 is the D&C in the office on Friday under local anesthesia in her office.  This is my least favorite choice mostly because I have no idea what to expect and the fact that they routinely do these in the surgery center under general anesthesia makes me think this is something I might regret trying to do with a local...this right now is my least favorite choice.  On the other hand I have had an HSG and the other die test forget the name and have heard that those are quite painful for a lot of people and did not have issues with them myself other than some bleeding after the HSG due to the catheter having to be put in multiple times after my RE popped the ballon that's supposed to hold it in place.

I think I may have made my decision to use the medically managed with pills but please if anyone can bear to relive a prior experience and let me know what their opinion is I would appreciate it so much.  I know this is not an easy topic to relive though so I totally understand if you don't wish to share.

Thanks so much for all of you that have stuck with me even though I abandoned this forum for awhile.  And while going through your own trials and troubles.  It has meant so much to me to have this forum to say what I can't say in real life to people who are clueless about these things and it's meant even more to have the feedback and friendship from all of you.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Still waiting

Still waiting.  No sign of a miscarriage.  Still exhausted although my boobs are not sore anymore and the nausea is pretty much gone.  The fatigue is just too much though.  I requested a D&C and...another US prior just to confirm and quiet my doubting mind.  Hopefully those can be scheduled soon.

I still keep having these dreams that the Dr's made a huge mistake and that there is a twin in there that she missed who is perfectly healthy or that the slow embryo catches up.  It's very disconcerting.  I know it's not possible.  I was there when she looked for anything else.  She even looked at my ovaries and measured the fibroids that are on the outside of my uterus so she looked for a good long while.

I think what's giving me doubts is how absolutely perfect the embryo looked at the last ultrasound.  It was that perfect diamond ring shape you would see at about 6 weeks.  Except I was just shy of 8 weeks and there was no heartbeat.  We've never had that perfect diamond ring shape at least that I ever saw.  During our last miscarriage the US were done at the radiology lab where they don't show you the screen so maybe when we had that heartbeat it looked like that but this is the first time I've seen the yolk sac with the little embryo riding on top of it.  It's hard to see how perfect it looked and believe that something is wrong.  I have moments of guilt for having stopped the baby aspirin and the progesterone.  Then I go back and look at my chart again...and check the dates and realize that it's not possible.

I've also been struggling with guilt.  I feel guilty that I did this again.  My mother said some things that were not all that helpful.  Basically she asked if the Dr thought I should go on the BCP.  Um...Mom DH and I knew what we were doing.  We know how to prevent a pregnancy.  This wasn't purely an accident we weren't using Birth control.  Her - Oh really? Why would you do this to yourself again....She said something else about my age too.  I mean I get where she's coming from.  But why did I do this.  I mean what do you think Mom?  Because wanting a child outweighed all of the other bad stuff, that and I didn't actually think it would happen.  Anyway...guilt.  Maybe this really was a stupid thing to do unless it had gone well.  Then I would have been the smartest 43 year old on the planet and people would have talked about my resilience and the miracle I was open to and shit like that.  But instead since it didn't work out I am kind of dumb and still a failure.  Well Fuck Me.

Friends of mine were on the flight that crashed in SFO.  They are all fine but what a sad event.  I can't help but think their children are going to have some emotional issues after having lived through that.

Friday, July 5, 2013

I can't even escape in sleep

I've been dreaming about my miscarriage. Sometimes in my dreams I believe the Dr. has made a huge mistake and there's a healthy embryo in there.  Sometimes I just am sad.  It's pretty close to my waking where I have the same feelings.  I feel very guilty about stopping the progesterone and baby aspirin when I have those moments where I panic that the Dr. was wrong...but then I go back to the calendar and realize that for the embryo to be 6w2d I would have had to ovulate during the same day I got my BFP. But then I panic that science and Dr's don't know everything! But then I realize that the Dr. wouldn't offer a D&C lightly and that yes she does know and if there was a heartbeat then maybe she could have measured incorrectly but there was no heartbeat...no little flicker. 

Also some of the "I can't believe I am not going to have children" sorrow is back.  I knew I had put it mostly to bed but this just brings up those feelings again.

A missed miscarriage is so cruel.  It really is.  There should be no such thing in the world.  To be sick and huge sore breasted and be doing everything you can to hold onto a pregnancy and then to have one little Dr. visit rip it from your hands.  It feels very cruel.  Like a cruel joke. 

On a positive note stopping the progesterone has lessened the nausea and my breasts are getting back to normal.  I cancelled my next acupuncture apt and cried when I had to say why.  I let my boss know and cried again. 

Here are some peripheral things this miscarriage took from me (Aside from the immediate dream of this child)
1. I planned a trip for my friends birthdays to Vegas and missed out on the fun during that.
2. I was asked to go to a big trip at work as a reward.  It's next week and in anticipation I cancelled because  I didn't want to miscarry in a foreign country alone.  Looks like that was prudent but still sucks.
3. I went on a trip last week with family and friends and wasn't able to swim, jet ski, hot tub etc.
4.  My sense of well being. 

5.  My sense of wonder
6.  I feel very ugly, bloated, waddly, gross.
7.  Hours I spent googling

In other news, an acquaintance of mine shot herself and a friend who knew her well is struggling to deal with her death, another friend of mine died from cancer this year and I am still trying to come to terms with that.  It was sudden and awful.  We are taking one of our kitties to the vet tomorrow to put him down.  He's at the end.  Having a miscarriage makes all of the above more unbearable than would normally be if possible.  

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Another one gone.

I'm sorry I don't have good news.  I really thought this was going to work as much as I prepared myself for it not working I really thought it was.  I didn't realize how much I thought it would work until the US today when it didn't. I wore my lucky earrings.

Everything is where it's supposed to be in the uterus, yolk sac, fetal pole, gestational sac but there's no heartbeat and it only measures 6w2d and that's with the Dr being generous with measurements. Our last US was two weeks ago...14 days and we measured 5W6D.  So we've only had 4 days worth of growth in 14 days.  I'd say that's an unequivocal negative result.

So now I am deciding what to do.  I could handle the hoo ha pills again but DH can't handle watching me go through that much pain and blood loss.  He was in a complete panic the whole time last time.  So my options are wait..or D&C.  I am choosing to wait but I got the Dr to prescribe nausea meds.  No sense being sick if I don't have to.  Since there's no heartbeat I am thinking that maybe the embryo actually petered out a few days ago and my body hasn't caught up yet.  That would mean it will eventually catch up.  The Dr said she'd give me two weeks to miscarry on my own before she wants me to follow up.

I'm handling it better than before.  I'm still terribly sad but I think the element that's missing from this one is the despair over being childless.  I have come to some kind of understanding with myself that being childless will be ok and DH and I will be ok.  So the sadness I'm left to contend with is the loss of this one small being and not the larger despair.  I think that's why this time seems a little easier than prior losses.

Sorry I don't have better news.  I was so sad to tell my mother again.   I almost wished I hadn't told her we were pregnant.  She wants this for us more than anything and it hurts to cause her pain.I didn't tell very many people this time.  Close friends and work because I needed to.   So not too many people to let down.

So off I go to implement Plan A.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Really feeling it.

I'm sick...oh so sick.  I go from joy at being sick...to OMG how am I going to carry on.  Ultrasound is tomorrow.  I have two plans laid out, one for each outcome. 

Plan A - (No growth, no heartbeat, poor prognosis) - get back to myself ASAP.  I refuse to vomit if the jig is up so loading up on whatever meds I need to will happen immediately.  As soon as said nausea goes have a drink and a coffee not necessarily at the same time.  Maybe a sushi dinner.  Have S.E.X. with DH.  Then Join that gym I've been planning and get a trainer.

Plan B - (Good growth and appropriate HB - still have a hard time seeing this happen) Continue planning to have a baby.  Talk to Doc about nausea meds...just in case I can't deal.  I know that one good US doesn't make a baby but if we have a good US I will be much more inclined to think this might work out and I plan to go forward as if it is.

Putting off the US until this week was both a curse and a joy.  Waiting was hard but I also didn't have to endure the limbo that is pretending cautious optimism after inconclusive or bad results.  I've almost been serene at times.  Especially when I feel like I may lose my lunch.