I think about blogging at the worst times lately and then when I actually have a minute to type up a post at the computer I draw a blank. So this is me, trying to remember the eloquent post I was thinking about yesterday during a mtg.
Even though I said we were done, Last month we did try to get pregnant. We didn't try to time things. I didn't take my temp, I didn't obsess about it as much as other months. Even though I knew it was a long shot, I was still convinced come CD25 that I was knocked up. Just convinced. It didn't help that I had a horoscope that week that was all about something I had been wishing for finally coming true and my boobs were sore, and I was having cramping.
Turns out it was just a crampy month. It doesn't escape me that since the septum surgery my periods just suck. Very crampy and that's not the norm for me. Just another "not fair" to add to my list.
Also was finally cleaning out the study closet. It tends to be the catch all closet for us. I've moved 4 times in the last 10 years and there is this box that came with me 10 years ago that never got unpacked. Some memory kind of stuff, stuff you just don't throw away even though it has no real purpose. Well I found a deck of tarot cards in this box which made me remember the lady that gave them to me.
She was into all of that kind of stuff, and had even taken me to a psychic who was eerily right on about a relationship I was in at the time. This friend also was studying Ryki and had a family of healers and let's just say people of intuition. Now I'm not a big believer in that kind of thing. I am interested in it from a "that's interesting" perspective. I realize that I don't know everything and maybe this is just another human skill. SO long story short, this lady did a horoscope reading, really in depth, using the actual time of my birth kind of thing. During this reading she told me that I would never have children. Yeah, she told me that. She had a book that she gave me to read, all about how I've moved through that phase in my "lives" and that mothering is a skill I don't need to learn...anyway I am paraphrasing..I don't really remember exactly but that was the gist.
The thing is I was "young" at the time, and I thought she was a little crazy :) and I didn't really give it a second thought.
But as I sit here at 41, infertile, childless. This story, this portion of my life is making me a little crazy. I keep turning it over in my mind. I just can't put it away. I mean really, it's just coincedence that she said that to me, that this was my reading. Right?
Oh, and I tried to discuss it with my BFF. She rolled her eyes and said something "smart" about me losing my mind. Which may have been something I might have done as well, if I hadn't had this IF experience. I mean obviously I was bringing it up for a reason...crazy or not. I'd like to think I'd be more compassionate with her under similiar cicumstances, but then again who knows.