Seriously- self? What the f is going on? 32 days? Really. Normally 26 but who the f is counting? You MoFO. I spent $40 on pregnancy tests...you had me thinking I was an urban legend. "Woman pregnant naturally after failed IVF" (I dreamed about how I'd post it) No....just woman completely fucked by IVF. Too old to create good eggs. Probably cystic or annovulatory - Infertile possibly in Menopause because she used up her last follicles on IVF. At the very least hormonally compromised, fat and sad from IVF.
Reality: "Woman trying to hold it the fuck together after failed IVF" Would it have been too fucking much to ask to get my period on time? Would it? No? Instead I am bloated and moody and tired and crampy and fucking feeling like shit. Like f.u.c.k.i.n.g shit. I'm surprised I've been able to hold on to my job this long. Honestly. I seriously hate anyone who crosses my path. I am officially BITTER. I feel bad for those who work with me, for me. I apologize - I really do.
Fuck You universe...just fuck you?
"I apologize....for the inherent foul mouth...but I just can't fucking help it...I am pissed and my PA is showing." Really the swearing is all I have. I've been stripped of dignity by one too fucking many pelvic exams.
It is not good. Not good at all. My only saving grace is that I am bright enough to hold onto my job without a "dear" amount of effort(mind you I won't advance and people will wonder but I will be OK) and that I don't have anyone except furry or feathered friends to count on me...I mean DH is self sufficient. How long will he put up with the "Bitter" Wife? Conversation about our "Love life" tonight included an aspect where we talked about BJ's and how he's not getting any...ever.....I mean 4 years kind of never....that kind of frivolous item went far by the wayside...didn't it? I know I am not the only one...guess it better get back on the menu at some point. Oh who the fuck cares.
Meanwhile I can barely make sure my clothes are on right side out and I've brushed my teeth before I leave the house and pretend I am enamored by data. What am I so sad about? I know but does anyone else? I am sooooo alone. Just surrounded by people and devastatingly, crushingly alone.
I'm sorry if I haven't commented..I can't even comment on my own sad commentary..I can't imagine what I'd say or how it would be helpful in any way. My mediation for fertility group has even shunnned me...no one wants to be around the sad clown.
I am a sad clown. Fucking, cloyingly, devastatingly, unbelievably sad.