Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Will you just bleed already?

Seriously- self? What the f is going on? 32 days? Really. Normally 26 but who the f is counting? You MoFO. I spent $40 on pregnancy tests...you had me thinking I was an urban legend. "Woman pregnant naturally after failed IVF" (I dreamed about how I'd post it) No....just woman completely fucked by IVF. Too old to create good eggs. Probably cystic or annovulatory - Infertile possibly in Menopause because she used up her last follicles on IVF. At the very least hormonally compromised, fat and sad from IVF.

Reality: "Woman trying to hold it the fuck together after failed IVF" Would it have been too fucking much to ask to get my period on time? Would it? No? Instead I am bloated and moody and tired and crampy and fucking feeling like shit. Like f.u.c.k.i.n.g shit. I'm surprised I've been able to hold on to my job this long. Honestly. I seriously hate anyone who crosses my path. I am officially BITTER. I feel bad for those who work with me, for me. I apologize - I really do.

BUT

Fuck You universe...just fuck you?

"I apologize....for the inherent foul mouth...but I just can't fucking help it...I am pissed and my PA is showing." Really the swearing is all I have. I've been stripped of dignity by one too fucking many pelvic exams.

It is not good. Not good at all. My only saving grace is that I am bright enough to hold onto my job without a "dear" amount of effort(mind you I won't advance and people will wonder but I will be OK) and that I don't have anyone except furry or feathered friends to count on me...I mean DH is self sufficient. How long will he put up with the "Bitter" Wife? Conversation about our "Love life" tonight included an aspect where we talked about BJ's and how he's not getting any...ever.....I mean 4 years kind of never....that kind of frivolous item went far by the wayside...didn't it? I know I am not the only one...guess it better get back on the menu at some point. Oh who the fuck cares.

Meanwhile I can barely make sure my clothes are on right side out and I've brushed my teeth before I leave the house and pretend I am enamored by data. What am I so sad about? I know but does anyone else? I am sooooo alone. Just surrounded by people and devastatingly, crushingly alone.

I'm sorry if I haven't commented..I can't even comment on my own sad commentary..I can't imagine what I'd say or how it would be helpful in any way. My mediation for fertility group has even shunnned me...no one wants to be around the sad clown.
I am a sad clown. Fucking, cloyingly, devastatingly, unbelievably sad.

7 comments:

Kelly said...

This is just awful. I"m so sorry.

cgd said...

I am so very sorry. My cycles get all messed up after IVF, usually longer then usual. Sometimes the effects last for the 2 cycles. I guess the body just does not rebound from all those meds so fast.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Go easy on yourself, this is really, really hard stuff.
Sending you lots of love.

AmyG said...

Good LORD! Stupid late period AFTER an unsuccessful IVH AND the sudden disappearance of a promising job opportunity?!? AND tension with your DH?!?

Jeezum effing crow, universe; it is totally Jennifer's turn to catch a break! Friggin' a$$munch.

Oh Jennifer, this really is far more than your fair share of grief. Sending my warmest wishes.

bunny said...

I'm so sorry you got this extra little kick in the face of false hope. Completely wretched. I would have danced with joy at that post you haven't gotten to write... I think you're entitled to be sad and bitter for as long as it takes, and I hope your husband will put up with it forever. That's what marriage is about. With or without BJs. I'm thinking of you, wishing I could ease the sadness, but I know there ain't shit I can do.

Augusta said...

Does it ever sound like things are hard for you right now, Jennifer. This is so utterly awful. I am hoping you get a bit of relief from these awful feelings. But I also hope you can honour them because they are completely justified and appropriate. Your response is a healthy response to what is happening to you.

A Shadow of My Former Self said...

I'm scrounging up the energy to comment to say I am sorry and I understand. Your words are mine too.

linda said...

Arrrghhh....your plate isn't just full, it's on the very bottom of a heap of shit. I can't even imagine that your having to have discussions about your sex life, BJs, and things of that nature when you're feeling this down. I am sorry that your DH is bringing these things up right now. :( I know that this has been the last thing on my mind as well as I close out my own recent failure. Please be super gentle with yourself right now...I intuit you need some time to heal and recover from everything. Maybe a girls trip somewhere is in order?