Opting in by not Opting out

I have something shocking to say, well it feels that way. We've been having unprotected s. e. x.

So I guess by not opting out of trying we are opted in this month. I really do NOT want to get back into it whole hog though and am really trying to go with the whole "whatever happens happens" mentality. It's working somewhat. I did pick up some ovulation predictors. I figured at least if I know I can know if we were close to hitting it, BUT I decided I will not pressure, ask, cajole or use any other method to get DH on a "schedule". If it happens it happens.

So there we stand. I am hoping I can not freak out the last two weeks of the cycle...and just stay with the "it's out of my hands" thoughts.

Still don't want to do IVF, just don't. It may not make sense, sometimes not even to me but it's what my gut says. Sometimes I beat myself up about being weak and then I remember how strong I've been for how long and I ease up on myself.

However, It's still a major topic of conversation. My hairdresser thinks I should ...because you know, a friend of a client's gotten pregnant twice so it's sure thing and I'd be crazy not to do it. ;) I guess if I didn't want to have these conversations down the line, I never should have brought it up in the first place right.

I think everyone IRL who knows about our IF is going to go through a struggle about where to put us now. I mean before we were infertile but going through infertility treatments. Now we are infertile and somewhat lost as to what to do next. We've fallen out of the box so to speak, floating around in free space. So I don't blame people for trying to put us back into that box. It's a little bit bewildering to be floating around, who knows where we might end up or what might happen.

To be continued.

On a break

I've been taking a break from all things infertility related. I wish I could take a break from all things baby related honestly, but that seems impossible during the holidays.

Making the decision to not try IVF was a bigger one than I thought. I haven't changed my mind. I still don't feel it's the right choice for us, the thought of it makes me nauseous, even though many people have questioned me...many fertile people..who I look at and think wtf would you have been able to endure. I just didn't realize I would have another whole wave of grief come over me at this decision. I thought it might be liberating. Humpf.

I also went on and did open adoption research and ordered many pamphlets, brochures and info. When I received them I sat down to get started and promptly cried my heart out. I guess I am not ready. Not done grieving. It's almost like I am having to relive the last three years again. The ectopic, the miscarriages the treatments and tests and surgery. It's hard to not be sad.

I also got another "I'm pregnant" announcement...it seems to be the time of the year.

I am contemplating not trying to prevent a pregnancy and just seeing what happens..but I don't even know if I can get up the courage to face it all again. I want to repair my intimacy with my husband and we all know that this method doesn't help with that.

I am in a limbo state and it's all foggy and vague. I don't know which way I am going or where I will end up..I just hope the pain lessens up a bit so I can let in some holiday cheer.

I hope you are all hanging in there. I am going to get caught up with all of you hopefully in the next couple of days.

i miss them

I miss my babies. I miss them. They were never realized but they existed and they are gone.

My husband told me today he loves me more each day and I am struck by how lucky and how unlucky I am in the same breath.

If our love can't create a child. Then where's the sense in that?

Vomiting is never a good idea

So not only did my Sister in law bring over her "news" to holiday dinner #1 but she also brought the 3 little ones who had been vomiting for the entire day before(who does that). Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad.

I had a lovely first holiday dinner at dear Dad's drove cross country to dear Mom's and enjoyed lovely second holiday dinner. Woke up early to go black friday shopping with my mom which I've never done and was really looking forward to and proceeded to vomit for the next 24 hours straight. Cursing SIL, god, the universe and everything in it. I think I actually told DH that I wanted to die...eek.

It was really awful.

Other than that :) the holiday was really nice. I got to see almost all of my family and really enjoyed the little ones. I colored, and danced, and sang and read stories and rubbed backs and snuggled.

I also did a lot of soul searching. I truly don't know what to do. I am still adamant about not trying again, either through IVF, IUI or "not using condoms" as educated people keep asking me if I've tried. But being adamant about not trying doesn't take away the fact that I want a child and adoption seems so far out of reach. I am so confused right now I don't know which way is up.

I am also so angry at my Best Friend. She just really doesn't get it, and having been a very big part of my life for the last three years, I just don't understand how she can't get it. One of the condom comments came from her....again...like deja vue we had this conversation before and I explained the fear, and stress, and the legitimate concern that I would have another ectopic. How I am past the point of just letting it all go and having sex to see what happens. I just don't get it that she doesn't get it. She immediately clams up when I want to really talk about it or she says something flip like. "Your uterus has only been fixed up for a few months and you are giving up". Nice. The hard part is she is a really good friend, a sympathetic friend who is alway helping people and worrying about people. It hurts even more that she is so blase about this. I have been having very eloquent discussions with her...in my head.

On a happy note, During the whole vomit fest I realized again how much I love my husband and how truly lucky I am. The man (with a very real and overactive gag reflex) got up with me each and every time I vomited to stroke my head and back, hold my hair out of the way and tell me it would be ok. He also got me a tissue, my toothbrush, whatever I needed and didn't complain not even a little tiny bit. He spent time with my mom (I was pretty much incoherent for most of the 24 hours). He also rebooked our flight out because I was still vomiting at the time we would have needed to leave for the airport and I didn't think the other passengers would appreciate that. (Another $1000 later and we are home...that could have been meds for another cycle. Yikes. I think I will send the bill to dear SIL.) Some people just don't get love like this and I appreciate the fact that I have it and I hope I get to keep it for a long long time. Having gone through infertility and three miscarriages I am a little jumpy that it will be snatched away from me at any moment so I plan to give it all I've got.

i predicted it

My sister in law is pregnant and announcing it tonight at dinner. I knew this was going to happen. I predicted it. She was nice enough to pull me aside to tell me which I do appreciate. Still I feel the sting of not being able to make my own announcement and I am bitter that she already has three. I mean is that fair?

Some small consolation is the raw seafood, soft cheese and margarita I've had so far today and I am looking forward to champagne at dinner. We get two thanksgivings this year today at my dads and tomorrow at my moms. I fully plan to eat myself silly and top it off with some cocktails.

I broke down today. The last two days I was traveling for work so I had to pretend I was fine and that I have no personal upheaval going on.

I think I did ok - I almost had myself convinced I was ok. I'm not. The floodgates opened up this morning as soon as I had time to contemplate.

I'm distraught. Discouraged. Devoid of hope for the future of my empty womb.

In fact I've decided to break up with IF. It's been three years of disfunction and I've had enough. IF ruins everything and that's not acceptable in my book.

I reserve the right to change my mind but at the present time I've decided that I will not pursue any more treatments. Not IVF and not IUI. I also don't want to try to "just relax and let it happen" I want off of this fucking train. I talked to my therapist about it and she was supportive. She said something that made a lot of sense. In my case I need to weigh the emotional, financial and physical cost against the odds of it working. For me, right now, the cost is too great.

I haven't given up on being a mother yet, I don't think. Donor egg donation really isn't an option for me, I am too afraid of going through all of that only to have a miscarriage. Surrogate again not an option. That leaves adoption.

It's been a rough week.

DH's Grandfather died and since I was traveling for work I wasn't able to join the family for his services. I don't feel closure. We will miss him dearly.

I found out for the millionth time that I am not pregnant and then didn't even have a moment to cry about it or address it and instead had to pretend all was fine and dandy.

On top of that I have been going a million miles an hour at work.

DH's cousin is now far enough along that they are planning her baby shower. I can't fucking go to that. I just can't. A. No one needs that much bitterness at such a happy event. and B. I think I might just lose my mind if I had to sit there.

I just want to lay down and sleep and pretend all of this isn't happening but that's not really an option is it?

So I will one more time start some research into adoption and try along the way to coax DH into discussions about it. I will also have to try to come to terms with the fact that I will never have DH's and my children. That's what saying I give up means and that's scary but the thought of trying again literally makes me physically ill. I am tired of what this is doing to me as a person.

i'm so done with this bs

Bfn and spotting it's over.

Not Happy

I did it. I tested this morning 11dpiui...stupid I know..but it's already done and it was negative. So I've wasted a test because although I am pretty sure that it will remain that way, I will of course continue testing until Friday.

Not happy, not happy at all.

I can't form a coherent thought

Well at least not in a timely manner that's required for polite conversation. I keep forgetting words..and stand there searching, saying, you know the word I am thinking...?

Plus I ate dinner and sat down on the couch at 7pm last night to just hang out for a bit and fell asleep. I slept until the Mr. came home and put me to bed and then I slept through the night.

The progesterone suppositories are killing me. I am a fluffy, squishy even fatter image of myself with a new and disturbing mental defect and the inability to stay awake for a full day. Plus my breasts are so sore and have been for over a week I would gladly give them to someone else. Please take them, I don't want the fuckers anymore. It's brilliant. I had to do a training last week and was terrified that I would say "you know that thing, you know where you click?"

I have also been having these crazy all over the place conversations with myself.

"If you get pregnant and you have another miscarriage, this is it. I am not kidding, we are not trying again." "Well what if it works out and it's twins a boy and a girl and our family is complete" "Oh for F's sake, who are you kidding"

"Well ok if we don't get pregnant, then we are going to do IVF and then that's it." "I don't really want to do IVF" "I know but what if that is what would make the difference and if we don't for the rest of our life we would wonder if that would have given us a child?" "Fine, but what if I do IVF, go through all of the medical visits, shots, retrieval, emotional crap, empty our bank account, and it doesn't work or worse it works and we miscarry or have another ectopic that leads to more surgery or more injections, more pain?" "Um" That's where I have no more words, I mean who can argue with that.

I hate to be so negative, hate hate hate it but I just don't have an answer. I don't know whats best.

I've decided I will test Wednesday. It's 12dpiui. I got the super early tests, three of them, so I can test on the 12th, 13th and 14th and then stop the progesterone. I figure if I test on Wed and get a positive, maybe my RE will do a beta on Thursday and then another on Saturday saving me from having to find a lab in podunk Pennsylvania where I will be for all of the next week.

TGIF

Today is Friday, there was very little traffic, the sun is shining and I am going out to lunch. What could be bad about that :)

I am 7DPIUI and patiently, sometimes not so patiently waiting. It hit me like a ton of bricks earlier this week that it will be a miracle if I am pregnant and even more of a miracle for it to be viable but since then I've been able to "just be", mostly because of the comments on that post. I feel stronger, I just can't explain it. Maybe it's a letting go.

It continues to amaze me the support I am finding here. The ladies who pour out their hearts on their own blogs and then take the time to come over here and give me a boost. It overwhelms me and keeps me going and I am so grateful.

I hate statistics

My hate for statistics is not a new one. I failed my statistics class in college. Eeek. I just didn't get it...and the second time around I didn't get it much better but at least I passed since it was a required course. Now being a computer science major with a minor in mathematics and failing stats is just downright embarassing. but it, stats, just doesn't make sense to my logical mind. Now some might say that stats are very logical....I disagree.

Today I hate stats just as much as I did back then but for a different reason. Although I am failing miserably at a whole new type of testing now.

I have a bunch of stats swirling around my head today...maybe if I spit them out here I can stop thinking about them.

Here's one I am struggling with. My risk of miscarriage is about 50% or more. That's ugly.

Here's another one. The chances of a woman concieving through IUI after age 40 is anywhere from 1.2% to 20% I've read. The upper end is with more follicles. Still not great.

At sart dot org it says that in a woman age 41 - 42 (which I will be at the time we do IVF) the Percentage of cycles resulting in live births is
12.3%. I am not sure what that means...12.3% of cycles or I have a 12.3% chance per cycle.

Genetic adverse outcomes risks with IVF are almost 5% if I am reading the chart correctly...

Downs Syndrome risks at age 42 (which I would be at birth of child which is how this is measured) 1 in 60 or 65 depending on where I read it.

It just all seems so futile. I started to do the hopeful thing last night, the "If I get a positive test next Wed, I can call and get bloodwork on Thursday and then get the second set on Saturday." and "It will be so fun to tell my mom we are pregnant over Thanksgiving" The hopefulness was short lived. It sort of hit me like a brick today.

I have a better chance of not being pregnant, and a better chance, if I do get pregnant, of miscarrying than the infinitely better outcome and it's so disheartening. I hate to be so negative and feel so helpless but it really will be a miracle if I get pregnant and give birth to a living child and I am not feeling miracles lately.

Trying to remember what I came here for

I started this blog just to get the words and thoughts out of my head. To get some clarity and say the things that I had let go unsaid for so many months and years. The things I didn't have anyone to hear. I'm not a writer and I am not trying to win any awards. I just wanted a safe place to post my thoughts.

It turns out that it has been a wonderful place for that and it has really helped me to release some of the anger and sorrow and clutter from my mind.

An unexpected and happy side effect was that when I tentatively started commenting on others posts those people came back and started reading what I had read and posted comments of encouragement for me.

I say tentatively because I was and still am always worried that I will say the wrong things, that I will say too little or too much, talk about myself too much in a comment that is meant to show understanding. Or completely miss the mark on what the persons message was.

An unexpected and not so great side effect is wondering if people like me. If I am being judged...How silly...I am only showing one side of myself but my need to "be liked" still shows up even in this virtual IF world and now it's even crossed over into Posting. Is this post going to upset someone? Is the content too gross? Does anyone even care?

I don't know where all of this self doubt has come in on my posting ability and why it's shown up recently but it's certainly stopped me from posting at times when I had something to say. I am going to try to remember why I came here and do what I set out to do and not worry about all the rest of it.

Caution TMI at the end of the post!!!

In sharp contrast to how I thought yesterday's IUI would go, it went great. DH and I talked on Thursday night about how we wanted the day to go and what each of us could do to make it happen *it felt very grown up :)*.

It worked! We both got up at 6:30 and I got in the shower while DH went out to the living room to get business done. I thought I would have about 30 minutes to get ready but he was back with his sample in 15! So we drove together to the clinic(so we could use the carpool lane to get there within the alotted hour). I ended up going with wet hair but not a biggy. We did the drop off and went out to breakfast.

No screaming, crying, shame, or blame involved. IT WAS WONDERFUL.

We sat and talked over breakfast avoiding baby talk like the plague. IT's just too much to discuss it now I think. It's all been discussed.

Then we headed back to the clinic for the IUI and again, this time was much different for me. DH came in with me and stayed with me the entire time. We joked and talked and he held my hand. He didn't even flinch when the Dr said "Wow you have great cervical mucus" Blech :) She said it several times and looked at DH and said, "That's really a compliment" It was really funny.

The sum total of all of the above is that I didn't feel like I was going through this alone, finally. So thank goodness that's done and on to the wait.

TMI...TMI...TMI

I am feeling really crappy. My breasts are really sore and I am so bloated and heavy and achy in my abdomen and "down there" and in addition I have gulp...diarrhea which has caused a hemerrhoid to flare up. Yuck. Anyone else have this side effect. The Dr said usually people get constipated..but of course I have to be different. I am not feeling so great. This is much worse than when I used Clomid and the Femara but I am hoping that means that a lot more is going on with this one. I think the copius amounts of Cervical mucus, gross as it is, is a good sign. I start the progesterone on Sunday so that should make all of the above even more fun,I expect I'll be bloated for awhile..

Away we go!

Today's appointment was much better than Mondays.

We have two good sized follicles (17.8 and 18.? I forget the . part.) and one mid sized at 15.8 that may go as well and a few small ones. She thinks there are at least 9. It turns out the dr didn't mention those smaller ones on Monday, because they aren't relevant for this cycle but that in an IVF cycle with a higher dose of the injections she was sure that those would have grown as well. Which was something that I didn't ask on Monday and was worried about.

It's so interesting to me that the smaller 13 mm one went to 18 something and the one that was 15 went to 17.8. That's so random.

In addition to the good news follicle # wise, I have a good one on each side, which helps with the fact that I may or may not have a tubal issue.

So we are good to go tonight with a prescription for my last *please, please, please* shot, some good loving tonight (theres no NOT weird way to say that) and an IUI on Friday.

Now fingers crossed that DH doesn't have an issue on Friday morning and fingers crossed that this works.

I fly back east for Thanksgiving vacation on the 20th which is a pain because I will test at home on Friday and then if positive will get bloodwork. The first set I can get Friday and then I will have to find a lab back east to do the second set. Dr said I can wait until I get back, but I will be on progesterone and it will prolong...how did she say it...."a pregnancy that will not work out". GULP. Just the thought of it makes my heart hurt.

I have done a lot of thinking about that possibility and I truly feel that if that's the way this goes down, that I will be done. I know lots of ladies have gone through way more miscarriages and heartache than I have but I think for me that will be it. That will be the limit of what I am willing to go through. I am about 80/20 on that. Is it morbid that this is the way I think, or is it self preservation?

Here we go again ladies.

Where did they go?

So two of the follicles from Friday have not done anything. So now we are down to two. One 13mm and one 15mm. Humpf. I know I should be happy there are two, but I was really hoping for at least three to give me a better chance.

So another wanding has been scheduled for Wed and then potentially I will trigger then for IUI on Friday. Of course this throws off my whole schedule. SO if this doesn't work - we won't be able to do another injectible cycle next month - I will be out of town CD1 - CD 7 so won't be able to get the US's and bloodwork.

The # of follicles worries me....this is our dry run for IVF and we only have two? I didn't get to ask the Dr about this - so I will put it on the question list for Wed. I am on 150IU..I guess they can bump that up.

*I totally forgot this part. I only have one full dose of Gonal F left and Doc wants me to stim for two more days..So the nurse showed me how to syringe out the partial doses from the four pens to get one more dose. Phew. At first when the Dr told me to keep going I was thinking I was going to have to give myself four shots in one night.

I want to kill you...no I want to love you

Ok so there's no way DH and I are going to just "relax and have sex" today or tomorrow for that matter. I want to kill him. Not just him, anyone that crosses my path. I am hormonally jacked right now. The mood swings are diabolical.

Oh and my shot last night - hurt like hell and gave me a bruise. It's punishment for saying the shots didn't hurt on an earlier blog.

My second US is tomorrow, I hope that I am done, and the follies are ready to go and I just have to give myself one more shot, the Ovidrel tomorrow night and I hope this IUI is my last one, and I really, really, hope I actually get pregnant..and then if it's not too much fucking trouble, I'd like to really stay pregnant and have a healthy baby 8 or so months later.

On our date last night DH and I talked about our lives post IF treatments. i.e. next year. It went like this.

"Well if we are pregnant then next year we will ...." actually we didn't get very far with this one. It's just too painful.

but this one

"Well if we do the IUI and then next month we prepare for IVF (possibly do another injectable IUI in the meantime, then do the IVF then if all of that doesn't work. Then we are done right? We are finished, shop closed? Yes? OK. Then we can put this behind us. Maybe we will go to Vegas to see my brother compete in the Beer pong tournament (I'm not kidding) and I am going to start running again, maybe I can do a half marathon? and we can maybe plan that trip to Italy we've been talking about? your sister keeps asking when we are going to go to Hawaii, and I am going to get my resume going, maybe find something new to do? and maybe you can go back to school?"

I have struggled with this over the last few days. As hard as stopping is going to be if that's what it comes to. Going forward is just too hard. I can't do it, I need a Hard Stop to this madness. There is just not enough hope left in the hopper. I am down to the dregs and I think it will be just enough to get me through the next three months of treatments. If this doesn't work I am quitting. There's something comforting in that, but also something so sad I can't even put words to it.

If one is good four are even better.

My ultrasound apt this morning went very well. Two follicles on the right, 11 and 10 mm. Two follicles on the left both around 8mm.

I will continue with the 150IU gonal f each night and go back on Monday morning, potentially I will trigger that night and either do the IUI on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Now if anyone has any tips for DH and his "sample" that would be great. I am really worried that it is going to go the way it did the last time (cancelled IUI due to no sample and timed intercourse, which didn't happen because we were both so angry). I even asked if he wanted to do it at the Dr office to take the commute stress out of it but he was completely against it. Fingers crossed it goes more smoothly.

On another note, the Co worker who I had mentioned in this previous blog post Wishful Thinking , is and was in fact pregnant. It's annoying how good my radar is for that.

Shots, Schmotts

Well I did my shot(s) yes Shots...last night. I forgot to prime the pen and I wound it up to 150 and then realized I hadn't primed...so I primed it from there and then there was only 112.5 in the pen so I had to give myself two shots..Nice start. I was a little flustered.

Except. It didn't even hurt. I have a nice little fatty area on my belly :) and I think that's what has made it so easy. I wasn't even that pissed that I had to do a second shot.

I am getting ready to do my shot for tonight and then tomorrow and Thursday and then I go in for an US on Friday.

I am hoping we do the Ovidrel trigger early and can do the IUI early, since I've read online that sometimes the Gonal F causes early maturation of follicles *This cycle is a test run for IVF, although, hopeful as ever I want this to be it and not have to go to IVF* My Dr wanted to do a test run of the medications since she is not sure how I will respond. She likes to do it this way so that when we move to IVF she has a better picture of what she might have to tweak, add etc to the drug cocktail and then there's less chance of cancellation etc. Whatever sounded good enough to me.

That's all for now, I did get a massive headache awhile after the shot, but that could have been a cold symptom. I still haven't been able to shake that. Other than that I haven't had any adverse symptoms from the shots.

Thanks to all the ladies who told me I would get used to it and it wouldn't be that bad. You were all right and I kept telling myself that when I was getting ready to do it last night. Tonight should be much easier.

On to the next one

Day 3 started off like any other day...except the getting wanded part.

I peed on another stick. Just for good measure.

Wanding:
Thin lining, no cysts. That thin lining part concerns me. I only had one day of bleeding then nothing yesterday then a slight bit today. That can't be good.

Start Gonal F tonight 150IU

Show up for day 7 US Friday morning.

Wore a mask in the RE office, to keep my stupid cold germs to myself. Felt very gross and contagious. A young woman actually moved away from me when a chair became available. Not that I blame her but it stung a tiny bit.

Meds arrived this morning. Here's a hypothetical. If you were the receptionist at a smallish company and you signed for a box that said "Open immediately, contents require refrigeration" What would you do? A. Throw it in the mailroom with all of the rest of the packages and email the recipient? B. Call the recipient? C. Just throw it in the mailroom and go to lunch not letting anyone know it had arrived?

As you can see the bitterness from Saturday has not gone away. It's lessened but still there, and I expect to have some choice words to throw out when I open up my meds tonight to get started...although with no clear direction to point them in...humpf.

I hate this shit.

Well it's done. I started bleeding this morning or sometime last night. Of course I didn't realize it until I had peed on another stick, oh well what's one more in the scheme of things.

This is how I feel....Fuck, Motherfucker, shit, stupid fuck, son of a bitch, stupid fucker..I am saying "Fuck You" as well but without any clear direction to point that particular swear in it is somewhat impotent, pun intended.

Sorry - I hope that doesn't offend but those are the words that are coming out of my mouth. It is a very bitter, bitter day. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently but today I hate everything.

This was my morning:
I had a really bad sleep because of my cold, I couldn't sleep with my mouth closed, so I kept waking up with that really bad dry mouth, trying to clear my nose by blowing which just made my ears hurt, then giving up and taking a sip of water and trying to go back to sleep.

Finally at 4:30 I had to pee. Went and peed on peestick finished up - saw the bleeding. Said "Fuck". Still checked pee stick, negative. White as white can be.

4:35 Decided to just go lay on the couch until it became a decent hour so that the Mr could at least get some sleep.

4:45 I had made sourdough bread the night before and had left it in the oven to rise, so I decided to pull it out and finish making the loaf for the second rise. It looked good, so I dumped it on the counter and it was too wet and gooey and I got dough all over my hands and the floor and the wall and the loaf is probably going to be garbage since I think it rose too much. Cried a little and said "I can't fucking do anything right"

5:15 Decided to get a cup of warm water with lemon and honey. Just finished making said drink and dumped it on the floor. More "FUCK, fuck me, what the fuck? Can I just have my fucking hot drink?" I wonder if DH is still sleeping?

6:00 Decided to make real coffee since that may be the only bright spot in the morning.

7:30 Waited patiently for 8am to call REF clinic. Then realized I could just leave a message.

7:31 Left Message.

8:15 REF called back. Talked to Nurse about choice of injections. I said "since the Dr told me it doesn't matter which one I choose, I choose Gonal F for ease of use" She said "Oh the Dr has it in her chart that she wants you to use Follistim." "Fine, for FUCKS sake"(I didn't really say that out loud) Asked nurse if it was going to be an issue that I am sick. She wasn't sure. Will leave a message for Dr.

8:20 Talked to Reception to schedule US for Monday. I am so looking forward to that....AGAIN...Seriously? FUCK!

Meds ordered, US scheduled, Moping on the couch commenced, watching pay per view movies, along with eating which I do not feel even remotely bad about. I am going to do whatever the fuck I want to do today and I don't care.

The false security of testing

I hate HPT's. They never give me the answer I want. Still negative and I had a temp drop today, not below coverline, but a drop neverthless. So what do these two things tell me? NOTHING..I might have been cold this morning, I did notice that I had kicked off the covers and my arms were icy. So it could mean nothing. I may be testing too early(although I used the super sensitive tests that have a diclaimer on them that they may pick up hcg in non pregnant pre menopause women)

Or it could mean that my temps are dropping, and I will start a new cycle in a day or two.

It's enough to make me lose my mind.

I am almost tempted to call and get my meds ordered for next cycle..otherwise I risk day 1 starting on a Sunday..which will delay the meds getting to me on time. That's annoying.

***Also forgot to mention - I checked into the IVF trial. I am excluded because I have had too many losses. Really I don't know how they are going to find anyone for the study, since the exclusions would have excluded anyone I know of who would actually need IVF.

Here's a bit more info "clinical study comparing the investigational drug corifollitropin alfa to Follistim for ovarian stimulation during in vitro fertilization (IVF).

Currently, IVF treatment employs daily injections of recombinant Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) to induce development of multiple follicles in the ovaries. An experimental medication, corifollitropin alfa, is also given for this purpose, but with fewer injections required. Corifollitropin alfa is approved for use in Europe but not in the United States. "

If I didn't know better...

So it seems the universe has decided to screw with my head.

I had spotting yesterday, and thought I was done and got very sad and then realized...it's CD 22! I have never had a cycle that short...and the next time I went to the ladies room no more spotting and none since...Hmmmmm....Trying not to get too excited. I took a test this am and it's BFN(of course I scrutinized the test strip under different lighting, at different angles..SIGH).

I am also sick, which is another "let's screw with my head" symptom. For three of my pregnancies I got sick immediately with sinus pressure and cough and cold symptoms. I can go back and look at my symptom spreadsheets for two of them (yes..I am a geek) and there it is plain as day. Cold symptoms. The second pregnancy which lasted the longest, I ended up with bronchitis and on an inhaler and was sick for another few months afterward. I've had my pertussis shot this year but haven't gotten a flu shot yet...work is having them in a couple of weeks :(

It's a mild cough and sore throat and I know it doesn't definitively point to pregnancy and neither does the spotting point to that elusive implantation bleeding...but I have to admit I am optimistic. Hopefully I can hold it together for a couple more days...oh who am I kidding I will probably test this afternoon, and tomorrow....

Ping Pong with my thoughts

8DPO....and I've been lobbing the fear over the net all day..It's getting exhausting..I'm afraid I am not pregnant, I'm afraid I am and am going to miscarry again. So I keep trying to picture how I want things to go, not sure if that will help but I keep trying to do it so that my stress level will stay low.

On another note, I contacted a local clinic about a Research trial they are doing...it's free IVF meds and treatment for one cycle. Apparently it's a nationwide trial of a new IVF drug...I guess it can't hurt to check it out. The requirements are long but I meet them all I think. Age range is 35 - 42 which is older than these usually go.

What do you ladies think? If I am qualified for the trial, is this a wise thing to do?

I just think it would give us at least two chances for IVF where right now when we get to that we can only afford one. Doubles our chances.

I'm waiting....somewhat patiently. 5DPO today. Nothing to do, no test to run, no symptoms to obsess over. I mean I am obsessing but I am firmly telling myself to ignore anything going on until end of next week.

So I am being productive, cooking hearty soup for our lunches next week, and making sourdough bread from starte, my new obsession...and waiting. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

In other news, I had my therapy apt and we talked some more about wrapping up and how that would go. Then this lovely lady says. "You know we will need to think about saying goodbye and what that will feel like" and that just killed me. I started bawling like a small child. She has been a mothers voice for me for years now. You know the one, kind, wise, sympathetic, reassuring, sometimes firm but always kind. Something I didn't get much of growing up. It's going to be a hard hard goodbye. How will I ever thank her and what will I do without her?

Injecting flesh like disks with strangers.

I spent the afternoon learning how to inject a flesh looking disk with three types of injectables. Two pens and one you mix that just seems like way too much trouble and lots of waste..a new syringe every time and lots of vials, plus I was obsessed with bubbles in the syringe and had to finally ask..to my embarassment...if I should worry about these tiny champagne like bubbles(A glass of bubbly sounds so good right now). She of course said not to obsess. FAT CHANCE!

Anyway. I know which one i am leaning towards..if we need to do it(see how I still have crazy hope after all I've been through that tells me to think otherwise) It's the Gonal F. The nurse even said her "Computer People" liked it. Stick a needle on the end, dial it up and POW you're all set.

Now to just get through the next 12 days to see if anythings happening in the old uterus so that maybe I don't have to inject myself at all.."hello"..."sound of crickets"

On another note, chick and chicken (my chickens) are doing really great. They were getting really noisy in the morning. Bad mother that I am :) I had trained them to expect to see me in the morning because when we first got them I was so excited about them I ran out every chance I got. So to stop that I actually sneak out at night after they go up into their house and put a treat(apples, lettuce, etc) down in their pen so that when they get up in the morning they are distracted. Brilliantly it works...unless they hear me in the house. So I have to be super quiet when I get ready :)

Ugh I hate FB

Just logged on to Facebook, taking a break from the daily grind...to find my beautiful ex coworker was tagged in pics and lo and behold she's pregnant! She had a beautiful wedding not long ago and now things are moving right along as they should... Great. Jealousy rears it's ugly head....yet again.

I feel like I need to do an update, but there's not much to tell.**now that I've finished the post, this seems comical so I left it in**

I've spent the last few days really working on my relationship. "Timed intercourse" doesn't do much for a marriage as I'm sure you know. Good news is, all the extra work I did had a positive ripple effect. DH is feeling good, we had some great conversations, and we had lots of...well you know. Only one of those "sessions" felt forced and that was the morning after my Ovulation predictor test strip turned positive. It was truly awful ;) Neither one of us had any interest and it was more clinical than my IUI's! At least we were able to talk about it.

The food issue, well it's under control for now..It's a work in progress.

At my last therapy apt I got some news that's made me realize I can't coast anymore. I am not going to have this great lady to lean on much longer. Insurance is cutting me off. It seems my seeing her is no longer "medically necessary". Which to be honest is true. I have been very lucky they've covered me for as long as they have and it doesn't mean I can't go back at some point if things really go downhill and I can always pay my own way. We have a few more sessions to wrap up and I am realizing I really need to make these tools she's given me into habits. I really need to make sure that I incorporate these into my life. So in that spirit I am going to set that intention to all of you. I think if I put it down in writing and tell all of you, it will ingrain it more in my grey matter.

Meditation is one. For me it's more sitting quietly with my own thoughts, breathing, relaxing, and not judging all of the million thoughts that come into my brain. It's also about setting intentions for myself, and seeing myself do them in a positive way. Kind of giving myself a different perspective from the one where nothing works out :).

Exercise is another..Eeeks. I actually enjoy exercise, but I've learned on those down days it's the anxiety and habit that keeps me from doing it. So I am going to set my intention and just do it :)

Seeing people as "interesting". When I am down or having a hard time, it is very easy for me to think of people as scary. The idea is that I am to try and see people for the story they have to tell. Like reading a good book. My goal is to scratch the surface, and find commonality with the people I interact with and to not shy away from those interactions. I've been doing a really great job with this for awhile...and you know what, people are fascinating!

So three things to work on while I WAIT. According to my OPK and the BBT chart I am 1DPO. Woohoo! I am going to try to focus on my goals, and try to imagine this will all work out.

I think my biggest fear, and DH's is that we do get pregnant...and lose another one. We said it out loud to each other yesterday and now we are going to put it away because really, what can we do about it? I guess right now we are choosing to Hope.

Emily Dickinson

Hope is a thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings a tune without words
And never stops at all.

And sweetest, in the gale, is heard
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That keeps so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea
Yet, never, in extremity
It ask a crumb of me.

Same Old Same Old

Not much has changed. The eating struggle continues. I am trying to not beat myself up about it, but I have to admit to moments of despair. I know it's not what's best for my health.

Work is not helping. I had some really long days Monday and Tuesday and a long day yesterday. Today I was able to work from home, which had it's good and bad....at lunchtime I made a pan of brownies. I didn't eat them all, not even half and this is how I am measuring my success :) now. I do feel sick though. Hmpf.

I am temping every morning, and doing OPK. I started early because who knows really when I ovulate any more. So far they have been negative.

I switched to decaf, and cut out wine (had a couple of glasses last night) but am teetotaling for the rest of the cycle.

I am taking my vitamin and am going to get back on the walking wagon...I fell off this week, but really where would I have fit it in?

I'm also exhausted and short tempered...I know (from extensive therapy) that I am depressed. Not severely so, but it's there. I just hope I can hold it all together. I am trying to keep my schedule clear on the weekends, to give me time to just relax and putter around the house and get my bearings and I have this good friend who just can't sit still. She always wants to be doing and going and exploring. She is driving me crazy. :) I just want to be left alone. I don't want to talk, I don't want to go to concerts etc. I just want to be. Anyone else feel that way. It's almost like focusing on work, home and IF is all I can do...that aspect sucks.

My trip overseas got pushed back to December. So hopefully I will have figured out what I am doing by then and I go for injectable training next week...finally! but I am hoping I never have to use the training.

Stuffing it down

I've been eating...a lot...

I know this place it's very familiar and even in an fairly safe place such as this it pains me to admit it. My child hood was less than stellar. At my Mothers house food was scarce, not because we were poor but because she was too drunk to shop or cook. When she did cook it was damn near inedible. Her husband at the time was a tyrant, abusive in many ways to all in the house... At that time police were not required to take action in domestic cases so every time they sent us home for more abuse, I ended up trusting no one, and realizing that help was coming from nowhere.

When things got intolerable(he knocked my mother unconscious and set her car on fire to name a few), I begged my father(and his new family) to let me live with him and finally I was old enough to decide who I wanted to live and convince a judge and I moved in with my dad (about 12 years old), I hid food under my bed, in my closet etc. and ate as much as I could every chance I got and got hell for it when caught. It was both to make sure I got enough and to numb what I had been through. No one really understood it was just something they thought that had to be brow beaten out of me. To say the least I have had issues with food since but in recent years, probably the last 10, the issues have been a low hum, easily managed.

Every once in awhile, BAM, it rears it's ugly head.

I know why I am doing it, I know basically how to stop doing it..and I have been pulling out every tool in my toolbox...but then I sink back in. Why? It feels good. It gives me something else to think about. It numbs the pain. It makes me feel productive(the cooking not necesarily the eating). As odd as it sounds it gives me control over something. It's my attempt to pretend it's all not happening.

It didn't work when I was 12 and it's not working now.

It's just one more thing to worry about. I feel like I got derailed by last month. It's so strange. I knew it wasn't going to work, but I wanted it to work so badly and after much thought and some journaling now I know why. It's not just that months failure. It's the fact that each failure extends the journey. A journey I would much rather put behind me. In fact if I could wave a wand and make it go away I would. So starting to "try" again means that I can't pretend this isn't happening to me. I know how silly that sounds...but a part of me thinks it should have gone a different way, and if I just try hard enough I can meet up with that other me, on that other path and join her, putting all of the horror and dissappointment behind me.

I mean is this really what happened to me?

This is happening to me. This is happening to me. This is happening to me. Maybe if I say it enough I can accept it, and stop trying to stuff it down with donuts, crackers, cheese, strawberry rhubarb pie and slice after slice of bread. This is the hand I've been dealt and it's shitty.

Maybe the next hand will be better.

Balancing a negative with a positive.

Since yesterdays post was so decidedly negative I thought I might do a post about what I am thankful for today. :)

My husband and I live in Northern California and the weather here is really great. It makes me happy that I no longer have to shovel snow or drive on ice.

I have two chickens...and that may seem like a strange one but it is awesome. I like everything about it, I think maybe I should have gone into animal husbandry or something. I'm also thankful that they are both healthy after our scare over the summer.

I have three cats...it may seem like a lot to some, but I did only have two and then a stray "chose" me and I can't not be happy about it. I always have someone to snuggle when I get home from work. Someone is always happy to see me. :)

I have a good job. Frustrating at times but good. My DH and I have not been too impacted by the economy other than furlough for him (knock on wood) and in that respect we have been very very lucky and I am thankful.

I have good family and friends...clueless they may be but they love me and that's nothing to sneeze at.

I have no major health issues (besides the ONE big one that the blog is about). I can run and jump and read and hear and eat etc and I am very thankful for that.

I have access to a wonderful therapist.

I have access to a wonderful support group here online.

I can choose to eat healthy, organic, locally grown, grassfed, etc. I don't always choose to do so, but I have the means and the willpower to and for the most part choose it.

So when all is said and done I am a lucky girl and today that's what I am focused on.

I ordered a big pack of Ovulation predictor tests and some pre seed which I've read about online and had a serious conversation with DH about what we both expect this month...and off we go!

Thank you so much for all of your support and kind words, I can't tell you how much better it makes me feel to read what you've written.

Angry is an ugly feeling

I'm angry and this is not going to be a pretty post and tomorrow I may be ashamed that I felt this way but at least if I put it down here, maybe it won't flow out into work or tonights dinner, or phone conversations. There's no nice way to say it. I'm not just angry about this cycle. I knew that was a long shot. I'm angry about the whole thing. All the years. WTF?

This is what makes it so hard to continue down this path. Giving up feels like a tree lined path to serenity...a lonely one..but that's the price.

Lately when I fail to concieve (anger over a miscarriage is another anger altogether) I end up directing my anger to:

My husband(Why can't he get 100% on board, why can't he bring on the enthusiasm sometimes, why can't he make the decisions, the apts, take some of the tests, the pills, the shots? Why does he look at me with that deer in the headlights blank stare when I ask him what he thinks our next step should be? Why won't he even consider adoption, donor eggs, embryo adoption, foster parenting? Why do I once again have to be the one that says ok let's keep going with what feels like a lead weight on my back? Why was he angry at me all night how dare he after what I've been through?)

To my mother (what did she do when she carried me to make my uterus screwed up)

To my parents(step parents included)(why did they give such a piss poor example of relationships that it took me until my late 30's to trust anyone enough to marry them.)

To my fertile family and friends (Just who the fuck do they think they are with their birthday, christening, baby shower, facebook picks and videos, happy celebration announcements, and then the inevitable "you are so lucky Jen, you are free and it's so hard blah blah blah"? F You!)

To my friends who just can't get it. "You have to keep trying Jen or you may regret it" and then in the same conversation.."We are all flying to location A, you should come" Well if I do keep trying, I need to be near Dr so I can get a wand shoved up my hoo hoo, and I don't know if I can take hypodermic needles on a plane and if I happen to be pregnant when said trip happens, Dr won't let me go in case I have another ectopic and my tube ruptures at 20,000 feet I will bleed to death before the pilot can land. Can you please understand that? You've been with me through these 2+ years. You came over the day the Dr told me that a Cornual ectopic could kill me even if I was already in the hospital because the blood loss would be catastrophic and I had to decide to get a shot of posion to end it. Can someone please stay with me here. I can't keep having these conversation. But yet you want me to keep going, continuing is going to require more sacrifice, more pain, more discomfort, it's going to mean I miss work and trips, and can't drink and if you ask me about why one more fing time I might just freak out and go on prozac or zoloft or whatever's available and say fuck it to the whole thing. Except I'm the one that has to live with that decision.

There is a stupid commercial on TV now. It's the one where the little girl is sitting with her grandmother and saying how much she loves her and it's a lovely little commercial except it's not, it's fucking horrible. The tagline is something like "Family is everything" and I find it so offensive right now I can hardly hold myself back from screaming at the television. Because if family is everything then I am looking at a future of nothing.

I hope tomorrow is a less bitter day.

Stick a fork in me

I think I'm done.

Another negative test and slight bit of spotting this morning. It's day 29. I guess I could have ovulated really late, but we would have probably missed the window then since the last time we BD'd was day 16. I mean I know they say sperm can live for 5 days but...seems unlikely in my imperfect world.

In my other three pregnancies I had a positive test by day 25. Although it has occured to me in the last couple of days that those were not viable pregnancies so maybe I shouldn't be looking to them for what to expect...

So there we are. Now I just have to figure out how to work in this trip with another cycle. I either do it as quickly as possible, get all of my vaccinations and go, or plan it out at the end of the year and if I get pregnant in the meantime I tell them I can't go? Any ideas for me? I can't figure out how I am going to fit an injectable cycle in here before the end of the year. *@&#%&@#$*&!!!!

I'm ok. I'm really working on not spiraling down into the negative. It takes a lot of energy to question the thoughts around, I will never get pregnant again. It's exhausting.

I'm irritated that I was so lost this cycle. I guess I can really never go back to the attitude of "just let it happen" because it doesn't f'ing happen. I need the charting and the positive OPK and the Ultrasounds so I know what the hell is going on. The ambiguity was torture.

So out comes my BBT thermometer and my notepad and pen. And I am buying the 20 pack of OP's as I get ready to get back in line for round two.

It's interesting though how far I am distancing myself from the sadness that usually comes. After one failed IUI I cried off and on for an entire week. It's a dissapointment this time, frustration surely but no sadness. I wonder what that's about. I'm too jaded now to cry?

Cautious

I don't know what is going on...it's seriously messing with my mind.

I haven't had a cycle this long in over a year.

I tested again yesterday morning with the stupid test that is supposed to tell you six days early. Still negative.

I still haven't gotten my period and my boobs are getting sore now.

I am probably just having a long cycle, or maybe I didn't ovulate at all and it is throwing things off but it's really messing with my head. I go back and forth between maybe I am and the test was wrong, or I ovulated really late...and realizing that the test should have probably picked something up by now right?

Ugh..so annoying. I am very impatient. I keep trying to relax and forget about it. I decided not to even test today and I might not even test tomorrow. Maybe just wait until it's really really late and then maybe I will believe the negative result and not still wonder.

So I am still holding.

The other pain in the neck thing is that work wants me to go overseas to asia to do some training and I want to know if I am or am not pregnant because if I am I can't go where they want me to go on the off chance that I have another ectopic or miscarriage and because of the vaccinations I'd need etc. So I need to get that figured out. If I'm not and I have to go it will also throw off the next month of trying - we will have to wait until I get back. So here I am again with this mess impacting my work. They are not going to be happy if I say I can't go...of course that won't keep me from hoping that I am pregnant....Hoping and Hoping and Hoping that this mind F*&K has a positive outcome...sorry if that offends anyone...I'm a bit frazzled.

Still Holding

Still negative, the test not me, still waiting.

Fertility earrings deployed and to describe them, they are about two inches tall and are a goddess of some sort - I am not sure what religious belief they are from but they do stand out and are not the usual sort of earrings I would wear. I gave the friend who gave them to me a long look at the time but desperate times and all that ;)

She also gave me a Baby rattle that she bought which has a design on it that summons healing. I've also brought that out, not to "rattle" it but because of what she wrote in the note when she gave it to me. Here's the note below:

"Hey, I got this for you while in the Grand Canyon from a Navajo lady. Ok...I got it for the baby you will have someday. Now that I am reading the slip of paper it says it's a ceremonial healing rattle....So I'm giving it to you (for now). It's a nice sound. Kind of reminds me of a meditation gong and how you're supposed to focus on it and not let your thoughts wander to the negative. This rattle is not supposed to make you feel bad. I only want positive thoughts when you hear or see it. It's a bell to summon good luck and healing. Meditate on current "good" things and be open to many things in better forms! Different forms too. LYMI"

LYMI means Love you mean it.

It's nice to read her positive message when I feel down and can't summon my own. The note, not the rattle is the real gift :) I read it and almost believe that it's true. She's a good friend if you can't tell.

Here's to believing it will happen for all of the ladies who want it and deserve it so badly.

And...

I pulled out some fertility goddess earrings a friend had given me and am wearing them. So apparently some part of me is hoping that the test this morning was wrong and I am grasping at straws (or earings as the case may be) Who knows, it can't hurt.

Looks like we have another....

Loser.

I tested today I will test again, but I used the early response test and it was negative and I feel that my period is imminent. I will probably get it before it's time to test again.

It was a nice thought that I'd get pregnant right out of the gate from surgery but it was very unlikely.

I don't feel that disappointed, but that may be because I have been vigilantly preparing myself for that result. That doesn't mean it won't hit me at some inappropriate time where I am in front of a lot of people and not wanting to bawl my eyes out but for now I am ok.

I am supposed to call today to get the injectables ordered so that I have them in time for day 3 ....but I don't want to. (Insert childish tone with a foot stomp) Mostly because I just don't want to. I don't want to inject myself...how silly. The other part is that DH's job is in jeopardy and we just got a bill from the surge center for $1000 that insurance didn't cover. I mean I am glad they covered most of it but that $1000 is a round of injectables.

Is it bad that I am planning to coast this month? I feel ok with the decision but then in the pit of my stomach I realize I am just putting off the inevitable possibly risking that one cycle that would hit it correctly and getting older and less fertile (if that's even possible) with every passing hour.

Well I think I may just be making a decision by not making a decision. I think I will stock up on the online cheapie ovulation tests and just test every day for the next month to see if I ovulate at all. I either missed it (testing for 14 days, all negative and $60+ in) or it didn't happen this month.

I got up really early and started working this am, couldn't sleep and DH came into the study and gave me a really long hug and said he was sorry. You can't get a better husband than that but I am biased ;)

*PS...I have stopped commenting on some sites where the ladies are pregnant. I am not 100% sure why, but part of it is that I feel like bad luck, so please know that I am still reading, but I am keeping my bad mojo far away.

All over the place

That's what this blog will be, kind of like my mind right now.

First I had the craziest dream last night. I was at a hotel with a bunch of people We were all there for something..Not sure what but during this time I was pregnant and I had to have my first US and it wasn't my Dr and she made me recline with my head way down towards the floor so she could get a good image. She said, "You know how much trouble we had last time." Then she starts the US and says "Oh there it is in exactly the right spot", and she shows me on the screen and it's a baby, but it has wings...not like angels wings although today that's what comes to mind, but in the dream they were bird wings and I said can you fix that because I think it will be hard for a kid to have wings. I don't remember what she said. Then the rest of the dream was me trying to find my husband and I kept running in to other friends and aquaintances and they knew where i had been so they wanted to know what had happened and I kept running away because I wanted to tell my husband first.

I don't know how to interpret it, I think I am trying not to.

Second I went to Toys R Us today to get a gift for a nieces birthday and I was completely overwhelmed and people were getting on my nerves and it's at times like these that I think to myself, "Really, this is what I want for myself "(all of the commercialism and toys etc) but then after I left I was able to talk myself down a little. One of my major fears is that I will struggle and struggle to have a child, finally get one and realize that it was a bad idea and that it will ruin my life and I will be a bad bad mother..it's silly...I know, I know.

Third I want to eat everything in sight. I am super hungry, which is my body preparing for pregnancy, it's what everyone goes through at PMS time. I just want to believe it's already happened and that's why I want to eat.

Here's what I know.

I could be pregnant but it's statistically not likely. It's so hard to write that but I feel I need to do it since at these times I am very good at convincing myself otherwise and it is a big fall from that place to a negative test result and my period.

I want a baby, a family and there are lots of good reasons that I want it. I will do my best to be a good mother but there will likely be days I will be tired and I want my freedom back and that's a normal feeling and won't make me a bad mother.

My dream was my way of processing all that's going on and the bird wings are my fears that even when it happens something will be wrong. Not surprising considering.

I don't know what the point of this post is...maybe just to get it all out.

Officially Obsessed

Well it's official I am again obsessed with signs and symptoms that I couldn't possibly feel at day 18 especially considering I've probably just ovulated.

1. I have heartburn, (couldn't possibly be the chinese food I had last night)
2. I'm especially tired (couldn't be the long hours and Conference I attended starting on Sunday)
3. Boobs are sore (Happens every month)
4. Tummy is bloated and tight (again, see chinese food above)
5. I have lost my mind and can't focus on anything other than the fact that in a fertile world having intentional sex leads to pregnancy (which is not true anyway...I think it's something like 25% even in the other world)

Humpf. Will spend the next 8 days or so(Dr said I can test at day 26 trying to not obsess while still remembering not to have a cocktail and to take my vitamins.

Also need to get commenting..This really has been a rough week and I am finally caught up enough that I am able to post and perhaps read some posts :)

Stupid lack of smiley face

I hate peeing on sticks and am addicted to it at the same time. It's a vicious cycle. I bought the souped up OPK's that either give you an empty circle...how fitting...or a smiley face. Well I used all 7 and no smiley face for me and the stupid things were expensive. Today is day 14 which would have meant O sometime around day 16 and the OPK was still negative so that means day 17 at the earliest. I only have 25 to 26 day cycles so the Luteal phase wouldn't be long enough. Just one more thing to worry about. I have progesterone to start but now I am not sure when to start taking it as I am supposed to take it after O...will be calling the Dr tomorrow.

This unmedicated and unmonitored cycle has left me unmoored and afloat in a sea of uncertainty. I didn't remember how comforting it is to have an Ovidrel shot and an Ultrasound to guide your way.

Maybe rather than continue to feed my habit by buying more sticks I should just go with the flow this time. Yeah right :( I should have been temping, and all the other crap but I didn't. Now I don't know, I just don't know when to "do it".

The one good thing that's been going on is I have my mojo back in the bedroom. It had flown the coop for many months possibly even year(s) if I want to be honest. I don't know if it was the hormone cocktail from last month (which gave me a mustache by the way) or something else but Mr Chick is getting tired :)

I'm not alone in this

I read a beautiful aricle in the new Oprah. It was a story about miscarriage and infertility written by the husband. I read it while I was having my coffee this morning and bawled my eyes out. I searched for it online but can't find it.

It was unexpected to find a story like that in a magazine, it's not often we get to see this journey portrayed in such a public way.

I'm (still) astonished to find that I am not alone, that these sorrows are real and should be acknowledged.

The article was talking about after a miscarriage how everything is harder, and you are tired and disoriented and depressed and anxious and sad.

I felt all of these things but still went to work and tried to keep up the rest of my life, my husband and I didn't talk about it. My friends didn't really want to talk about it. Family didn't acknowledge it. People wanted to tell me it was for the best, it wasn't really a baby, I could try again.

These were major events and sorrows in my life and I am finally feeling as if I can acknowledge and accept the turmoil and pain that ensued. The sorrow I still feel. Finally able to put words around it.

It was a tragedy that I lost my three babies. No matter how early it happened. It was a tragedy and it made me sad. It hurt my heart. I will be ok. I will go on with my life but it did happen.

Sometimes I am surprised that I am healing and there's a tense spot that pops up as I begin the journey again. Waiting for and expecting the worst. I'll just keep redirecting that energy as much as I can to what I hope to have happen because ultimately I don't have control over the outcome but at least I can try to help myself control the panic.

I can get some...Satisfaction

I had my follow up apt after my surgery. It was the strangest but somehow the most satisfying apt that I had and not only for me but for my Dr also. She actually high fived me, a high five with a hand squeeze. :)

The apt also started off kind of strangely. I have been going to the Clinic for about a year now and have only once seen a small child and at that apt the husband took the child for a walk down the block. There are never any babies, or obviously pregnant women. This is a true fertility clinic and all the pregnant ladies "graduate" back to their OB's at the point they are still too early to tell.

SO I walk in, ask the receptionist if I am supposed to have a full bladder or not(I for the life of me could not remember) and then sat down. Immediately a young woman came in with a tiny, tiny baby in a car seat. I was curious...started to think about why she would be here..started to wonder about her story, I mean she's at the fertility clinic so there must be a story. So then my Dr comes out and they hug and chat for a bit and there's some emotion from the woman and from our Dr turns out she is there to show our Dr the fruits of their labor :) in every sense of the word. I teared up but it wasn't from jealousy or sadness but just for the sheer joy of it. As odd as it sounds it was a lovely start to my apt.

Then I went in and got ready for my sonohysterogram to make sure I was all good from the surgery. My Dr did the test and there was some cramping, I think she asked me 100 times if I was ok. Cause that's how she is. Then...and this is the best part...she said "Good Good Good, wonderful!" and the Nurse was taking stills of the US images..then she High fived me! It was so great. It was a "yeah we did it, finally somethings going right and I am really happy for you" high five and a "I think I did a stellar job with the surgery" high five for her.

Then we talked about my options and she said that we should definitely "try" this cycle and if that doesn't work I have a plan for next cycle, an injectable IUI cycle which if that doesn't work at least will tell her how I respond to injectables for an IVF cycle.

So all in all a very satisfying apt. From start to finish.

A good sign or a really annoying side effect?

So this is a warning *This post contains TMI* so skip down to the last two paragraphs unless you want to see the gory details.

It's cycle day three of my first cycle after my surgery and I have never bled like this during a period. I am talking full on flow. I've never had this. Never. (I've had this type of bleeding after the surgery and after my miscarriages but not period related) Which in some ways is comforting..you know maybe there was something to this septum and not enough blood flow thing...

On the other hand...IT's not all that fun to be flowing this heavy. I'm not used to it. I am 30 years in to this menstrual cycle thing and I thought I knew what was what. I ran to the ladies room today sure I had either wet myself or bled through what I was wearing...I finally get what the SUPER tampons are for!

So my thought is, this is a good sign. That I could possibly if I could get pregnant actually nourish it. At least that's my hopeful thought. My unhopeful thoughts are more along the lines of "I am hemorhaging internally and not fully healed" Even so, I feel like this much blood could nourish a pregnancy perhaps even three.

So that's where we stand. I go in next Wed for a Sonohysterogram to see what's what. Then we "try". (I actually had a conversation with DH about if he would be ready to try when it is time to try and would it be too much stress and should I tell him we are trying or what if he said he was tired but that was the day and should I then tell him....can't believe the conversations we've had through this.)

When I called to schedule the apt for next Wed the nurse asked if this was for IVF and I felt myself get a little irritated. I guess even now I haven't given up on the fantasy that I won't have to do IVF although I am sure that when faced with no other options I will cling to IVF like a woman drowning. I also think I got bumped to a bad apt because I said no. Usually the office is more than accomodating and I had to reschedule a work mtg so I could get the only apt available to me this month. The nurse asked me if I wanted to wait out this cycle and get the test done next cycle. IS SHE MAD? I think I said NO very emphatically.

Here's an unrelated question, Do you think fertile women complain more about their children than infertile women who finally get their children? In my life the fertiles all just tell me how hard it all is and I am just so depressed for them, seriously do they know how lucky they are..and I'm not talking a friend telling me she's tired or saying it's hard...I am talking about the martyrs to motherhood that every conversation is about the sacrifices they are making...I have one at work (a fertile) who since coming back from maternity works about four hours a day, online shops and plans daycare and vacations for about two more and then leaves the office while the rest of us slog away for a 10 hour day. She always gives the impression that her life is terribly hard and she is a martyr.

So I finally plan to take a day off tomorrow to run errands get some things done take some me time and this one has the nerve (after she came into the office at 12 and was leaving at five) to say that she "wished" she could take a day off to take care of errands but she was SOOOOOO busy with her child and with work she has no time for herself anymore...said with a pained sigh. This as I was still working at 9.5 hours put in already. Give me a fucking break lady. I was so shocked I stood with mouth hanging open and said not a word...I have lots of words now of course a bit too late. ;)

Blindsided

Well I expected to have a nice weekend visiting with DH's family. A picnic, a couple of birthdays, a lovely time had by all.

What I was least expecting was dear cousin to be talking about her plans for a home birth.

I was shut down, turned around, unsure of myself and lost.

I just wish Aunt DH would have emailed me and DH ahead of time. I had NO IDEA this was news I'd be getting this weekend...I didn't think I'd be thinking about things like...."yeah that must be fun to tell people you are pregnant"...."to plan an at home birth"...."to be feeling morning sickness" YES I WAS JEALOUS OF HER MORNING SICKNESS! I was GREENER than GREEN. Why can't that be me? Why? Why? I am reduced to this?

And do you know the kicker.....? She declined a margarita and said...oh no you and Dear Aunt have two for me. What I heard... "Go ahead bitch have a margarita, cause you're not pregnant...and may never be again."

I had no idea this was the weekend I was in for.

I had no idea this was the reaction I would have.

I had no idea I would spend my Sunday feeling alternately bad about myself for how jealous I am, and being jealous beyond belief and all reasoning.

DH's family is lovely. Loving, kind, excitable, family people and I am unable to provide "family". Don't get me wrong they love me no less, but I feel the loss of continuity....the loss of tradition....the loss...Please god tell me when this sorrow will end for me?? Have I mourned enough yet? Please?

I can't teach you that

So at work people are always thinking I can just "teach" them how to do what I do, like I just came in and started doing it and it can't possibly be that hard..

I went to college for 4+ years, sat in classes with brutal sexist profs and only males in the class to learn this stuff. If I can't say to you a record, field, tables, sql statement etc and you get what I mean, then I can't teach you how to do what I do...

I didn't even do that well in school. I am a solid B-C student..Almost hated school, would much rather be out doing, working.. but I still can't "show you".

If I were that replaceable I would already be replaced. Let's face it I am not the prettiest or the most outgoing or personable...I am a bit frumpy.

I don't expect a Dr to teach me what they do. I don't expect a chef to "show me" in 10 minutes. A mechanic..nope can't pick that up on the fly. Writer? Nope not that either. I am a Computer Scientist, not a rocket scientist but I still can't condense down what I know into a 10 minute conversation with you at my desk.

So don't get all pissy with me when you can't get it. You do lots of things well, that I will never get either. Let's just leave it at that.

This is my passive aggressive post to someone that will never read it...anyway I feel a little better.

If you can't tell, this is driving me crazy at work. ;)

Weight loss update

So I didn't do any kind of weight loss attempts went out for our anniversary dinner and had full on appetizer, salad, dinner and dessert and I've lost 4 lbs...and I wonder why weight loss is a mystery to me.

Didn't walk yet this week - have been so tired. Have to get back on that train, I want it to be a habit on the off chance I get knocked up I think it will help with keeping me feeling good. I am already overweight and have concerns about that but exercise always makes me look a lot healthier on paper (BP, etc) than I do in person.

I ran a marathon in 2004 in San Francisco...very slowly but during the months of training I lost only five lbs. I went to donate blood around that same time and the woman taking my vitals said I was healthier than she ever imagined looking at me *gee thanks*.

Anyway it's always been a worry that my weight is an issue with fertility even though countless dr's have said that my health stats look like a much thinner woman...still they don't always know everything.

So to make myself feel better, I am going to keep on seeing if I can move that number on the scale. I have been thinking about Adele's posts on her nutritionist...wondering if I should bite the bullet and try something like that.

Chick Update

So little chicken is doing much better - I don't know why. Vet said it could be the anti inflammatory that I have been giving her through a little dropper twice a day and she will go downhill at a later date OR she could be fine and may have had some other issue than the dreaded chicken virus.

Either way we have a reprieve and that makes me happy. She's being her usual self running around clucking self importantly at her sister and eating everything in sight.

I am coming up on the end of this cycle - a new kind of two week wait. Not the usual - this one I am waiting for the start of a cycle where we can try again. On about day 6 we will have the sonohysterogram and then if all is good we can go ahead and try for a natural cycle. A NATURAL CYCLE...like I think that will work AHAHAHAHAH. :) but we will try and if not we start IVF the month after.

Something new that's been bugging me is the impact this IF has had on my work life. I skipped the company picnic on Friday. It's a baby and child fest that tortured me last year. I ended up babysitting a co workers daughter and helping her get her face painted etc. It was lovely to spend time with her - I love kids but also bittersweet and this year my co worker who I got pregnant at the same time with last year was coming with her little boy and I just couldn't face it.

So I missed out on all of the schmoozing and networking because I just can't handle the fact that she has a beautiful little boy and I have a horrible miscarriage memory. The first time she brought her baby to work and had me hold him (She knew I had miscarried...) I felt completely numb and couldn't wait to hand him back and had a few weeks where I wondered if maybe I shouldn't have kids since I so obviously had no feelings for this one and possibly any....

So on top of everything else what angers me about IF is the unrecognized impacts. Is it the end of the world I missed the company picnic? No probably not, but did it keep me from networking, make me look non company oriented, mark me in some way as an outsider...Yes I think it might have.

Poor little Chick

One of my chickens is sick. She started to walk kind of like a duck hunched down and that evening she was moving a tiny bit and laying down with her wings kind of out to the side. She went to the vet (yes..these are pet chickens) and we were told she has a virus that she should have been vaccinated for when she hatched...I wasn't aware that I needed to ask this question and neither was the friend who bought her for me.

I have one other that I hope doesn't come down with the same thing, but now I am trying to decide what to do with her. I have made a softer spot for her to lay down and put her food and water next to her but I think the kinder thing would be to euthanize her...I just am so reluctant to do it. I hate making these kinds of decisions. Plus I have grown very fond of these two birds...way more fond than one should be of farm animals.

What's troubling (on top of the obvious) is the voice in the back of my head that says...Why me, haven't I been through enough? Now these are animals and I realize that this is a common thing for animals to die but I can't help but feel a little sorry for myself. Why the hell can't I just have my chickens and be in peace and watch them wander around the yard and get my eggs. Why do I have to suffer through another death and feel completely helpless and inefficient yet again.. how's that for feeling sorry for oneself? DH is having the same feelings...which makes me even sadder...what a couple of sad sacks we are. He even said the words "I am sad" which totally threw me. Took him months to even contemplate having a conversation about the pregnancy losses.

Weighty issues

So I did really well on my diet for a couple of weeks, and didn't drop a pound. Then went off the estrace and onto the prometrium and gained two...didn't really diet that week, so the net is a two lb gain.

The only positive news I have healthwise is that I have been getting up early walking in the mornings. I did two days last week and three days the week before. I walked yesterday as well and did a big hike over the weekend. It feels really good and I hope I can continue that for the long term.

So I am trying to lean to the positive but the dieting aspect always defeats me. These are the things that worry me about being a parent....if I do get lucky enough to have a child I hope I don't mess them up with my weighty issues...

Benched

Well I am all recovered from the surgery and finally stopped bleeding and I am so ready to get back in the game but I must wait. So I have been putting all of my good thoughts into my friend and her (what feels like) 100th ivf attempt. She went today and again she got cancelled because not enough follicles....what can I say to her....

The dr said that's it no more ivf unless she moves to donor eggs. I wish I could fix it or at least come up with the right thing to say.

Wishful Thinking

I find myself walking around the last couple days thinking I might actually get pregnant. Earlier I saw a co worker who has been wearing baggier shirts and eating more than normal and the thought occured to me that she may be pregnant and how far along might she be and would we end up on maternity leave back to back.

Now, I am on a break... I just got done with the estrace and started one prometrium at night for a week and then I have to wait a whole nother month to even think about starting and that's after another view of my lady parts by my dr. So it's funny that I had this dialog in my head. I guess for a moment it seemed possible that when we start trying again we will actually get pregnant and it will go well.

It gives me the giggles which is a far better state than I have been in awhile. Let's just say I feel cautiously optomistic which is better than expecting the worst.

I am dieting. I figured since I had the time it might be nice to get into a BMI that doesn't raise my risk for miscarriage...optimize the whole body now that the uterus is optimized.

I am doing Weight Watchers. I've done it before and it's worked well for me. Last week though I didn't lose anything and I kept on plan so I should have lost. Does anyone know if the estrace causes weight gain? I know progesterone makes me bloat up like crazy but wasn't sure about the estrogen.

I've also been considering accupuncture, I've read about other ladies doing it but it's hard for me to get on board for another apt where someone pokes me with needles. I have had enough of that for a lifetime :) Wondering if anyone had a really good experience they'd like to share with me?

Is it over?

Well I had my surgery, Hysteroscopic septum resection and laparoscopy. It went really well. There was a septum, a decent sized one that made my tubal openings very constricted. The Dr showed me pics and it honestly looked like a nose in there, rubbery and in the way. Weird. Recovery was fine, I had a Foley catheter for 4 days after and that was the biggest pain, it kept leaking and the plug on the end would pop off…To say I didn’t dare leave the house is an understatement. We can’t be intimate for two weeks, but I honestly don’t think that’s an issue for my hubby after how he had to see me recently…He can’t take that kind of stuff.

Now I am on estrogen for another week and then will start the progesterone for a week, then hopefully will get a period. I have to wait another full cycle after that, and then I call Dr on day one to schedule the Sonohysterogram to make sure everything is doing what she wants it to do. Then we can try again.

My Dr went over the images with me, before septum, after septum, tubes, ovaries, small bits of endo, my liver etc. All fixed all good. She showed me how constricted my tubes were which is a good reason for my ectopic, how inhospitable the environment which is a good reason for the miscarriages and all my heartache.

You might think I would be happy. I thought I would be! Hopeful and happy and ready to go. I am numb. Which is why I have not been posting, reading, commenting. I just can’t get going again. I may have lost faith. I read others posts, strong, strong women who are still going, after way more than I’ve had to put up with and I feel weak. Where’s my drive gone? Am I done?

What a whiner I feel like. They found it! This is what I have been waiting for, a REASON. Why am I so nonplussed? Is it fear? Do I really believe that they’ve found it? Do I finally realize that I will never be able to undo what’s happened over the last 2 + years? Not even when they find it…can I change what happened.

I am trying. I will keep trying. But…when will I be done?

Why?

As in Why do I do this to myself. Watched "Knocked Up" and drank wine. Now I am just sad. What gets me is the song at the end...and yes I watched it through to the end..."That's my daughter in the water...everything she knows I taught her.."

When will I ever teach my child?..maybe never.

What would my three pregnancies have turned into? My first would be 20 months old. What would that feel like? I would be a completely different person.

Distraught. Tears....pulling it together so my husband doesn't see.

Why do I do this to myself?

Which came first?

So one of my chickens laid her first egg last night and it is the cutest thing. I ran around the house to show my husband. It's the small things :) that make me happy these days. This particular chicken has also become very friendly, letting me rub her top comb which she seems to love. It's a good thing my husband loves animals too, I sometimes wonder what sort of menagerie we are going to end up with if we don't have a human child.

Only 27 days until my surgery and I really just want to get it over with. I am a little nervous about the recovery. I meet with the Dr a week before the surgery and am already compiling questions for that visit. One of them being "When can we start trying again".

I'm ovulating now and as much as I know we can't try right now and are on a break, it's hard to break the habit of watching for signs and thinking about trying. I wish they could do the surgery now.

It amazes me that I still want to try, I almost can't figure out where this drive comes from in the face of such a negative experience.

Waiting and Hoping.

I am all booked in for my Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy. Dr said (on voicemail) while we are under for the H she could also do L and see if she could repair or unblock my tube and then my husband and I could try naturally..instead of go to IVF. I figure get it all done and it will be done but I'm not sure if I want to wait on IVF I want to get this thing going already. It's been too long, I am tired of waiting! :)

I feel more hopeful which in itself is a double edged sword. I have to reign it in a little and remind myself that I am 40. Advanced maternal age so these issues aren't my only hurdles.

I am also a little worried about what they will find when they get in there, I ama closeted hypochondriac, and have had more than one daymare about waking up to find that they have removed my lady parts. That's the part where I scream at my husband..."WHY DID YOU LET THEM DO IT?". So I guess that's something I'll have to really clarify with my Dr that something like that is or is not a possibility...as soon as I speak to her...I have so many questions.

Dazed and Confused

I went to my IVF Consult and I am more confused than ever, not about IVF that discussion was very thorough. I am confused because at the very end of that apt when I was going to the list of pre testing with my Dr to see what I did and did not need to do, she pulled up my Sonohysterogram and said we had done that in September so would need to do it again if we hadn't just done the HSG mere weeks ago. Then she pulled up the images from said HSG, which I only discuessed on the phone with her - haven't seen her since they came in...and then she said..."Oh, that's not good"

What's not good is that the image showed the inside of my uterus as a Y shape, not a triangle as she explained to me it should be. I may have a septum, or something in there. She called it something which in my shock I didn't write down and now forget what she called it..Now my confusion comes in because I THOUGHT THAT WAS WHAT THE SONOHYSTEROGRAM was for to find anomalies in the uterus.....I am so defeated...She explained that this fibrous tissue at the top of my uterus could explain my miscarriages and the ectopic. Could...again with the coulds..I was so shocked, we talked about surgery to repair it...possibility of scar tissue and infection, possibility that insurance won't cover it..

Dude I didn't even google this as a possibility. She gave me the all clear structurally back in September and this recent HSG was just to check the tubes. I feel some hope popping back in. IS this all it was? IS it easily fixed? Could I bypass IVF altogether? I'm just so angry that this wasn't found sooner.

I like my dr but should I get a second opinion? What would cause her to miss this?

Opening my mind..

My IVF Consult is Friday. I don't know what to think. After my recent vacation from TTC I am reluctant to jump back in. I go back and forth between two schools of thought:

1. I have to try, if I don't try I might regret it, Hubby might regret it. If we don't try we will never know.
2. I shouldn't even try, It's not going to work because....I'm too old, I'm broken inside, I will just miscarry, I'm too old, I won't be a good mother anyway, what if I regret it, I'm too old...ugh

I realize that number two is my fears, fears that have had a good long time to fester and grow out of proportion but I know how much is involved in IVF(or I think I know), and I know how much is involved with a miscarriage. I honestly don't know if I have the strength left to come out on the other side OK.

I think another part of the fear is that this is it for us, this is the lengths we've agreed to go. What if it doesn't work? There are no donor eggs for us, we don't have any moral issues with it(or any other issue), but both decided that if that was the case then we would want to adopt a baby or child who needed a home. Neither of us are that tied to our own genes. Adoption...every time I look into it I get discouraged..and I know my therapist always says small steps..take each step one at a time, but I really feel I should have started the adoption process three years ago. It seems such an abstract. If only I'd known what the future held. Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda...

So for now, I will commit to taking the small steps. I WILL be at the IVF consult questions in hand, I WILL look at our finances, I WILL keep an open mind about needles and banish my fears to the dark.

Where have I gone?

I went on a road trip this weekend with some good friends. Friends I used to backpack with, travel with, drink with, etc. Without TTC hanging over my head for the first time in a very very long time. I didn't realize how long it had been, until we all started talking, recapping our past trips and time spent together. I've missed so much. I stopped backpacking and traveling. Some trips I missed because I was pregnant, some I missed because I was miscarrying, some I missed because we were trying and I needed to be close to the DR. I never regretted it, I had a goal a plan, and it was worth it.

But...

It was great to have a glass of wine and not even think about it. It was great to hike hard, sweat, get sunburned and a little sore. It was fun to eat road food, and practically no veggies (although I did regret it later :)) It was great to just have sex with my husband for it's own sake. It was fun to forget for a moment that I can't have children and talk about men, life, jobs, politics, food, drink and friendship. It was great to realize I have not lost my friends even though I have moved to the background of this life for so long.

What was greatest of all though was the lack of stress. Stress over schedules, pills, shots, dr apts, my relationship and what ifs.

I feel more myself than I have felt in years. I can't believe it's been years.

As I try to figure out what to do next I feel as if I am on the threshold of the next part of my life. I am at the end of this infertility phase and I am not quite sure how it is going to turn out but I am seeing myself there at the threshold and I missed me.

I'm Blocked

Literally and figuratively. We had our HSG this cycle and my left tube is blocked. That explains why I haven't been able to get pregnant - especialy with three follices on the first cycle. They were all on the blocked side..Wonderful.

The question is how did it get blocked? It wasn't blocked before. I've been pregnant three times...none of them succesfully but at least I was able to get there.

Another failed cycle this month and the recommendation is IVF. I just don't know if I am ready for that. What to do, what to do? Taking some time off to figure it out. I don't think there's any good answer here.

Why I hate Mother's Day

Why I hate Mother's Day

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Bitter fruit?

I don't know what on earth is my issue today. I am bitter bitter bitter. Bitter that I am blown up and bloated like a macy's day float. Bitter that I have to wait 10 more days to test. Bitter that I have to wonder if I will have another miscarriage..wait let's just get to the pee stick and go from there. I want these 10 days to go quickly and at the same time I am terrified of either outcome. How do I continue to do this? How much longer will I be able to continue if this cycle is negative or worse..? Here's to a better outlook tomorrow. I am meeting some friends for dinner, so hopefully that will cheer me up. A restaurant with mirrors on the ceiling..how fun is that. I really will look like a macy's float!

tick tick tick

The time goes so slowly in this two week wait. Day 3 and my numbness from yesterday has been replaced by constant thoughts about "the countdown". I don't want to get my hopes up, I don't want to be so dissapointed but I also don't want to be negative nelly..it's a fine line. It's made me grumpy and reclusive. The most important thing in my life and most people don't know, won't want to know, it's not a story you whip out at the weekly meeting..so I just get quiet and lonely. I think people at work may think I have a mood disorder, up one day bubbly and fun and then quiet and snappy the next.

In other news I've started the progesterone supplements, how fun is that, my boobs inflated overnight. At a pretty substantial DD normally any inflation is pretty unfortunate. :)

The full range of emotions

Well I'm two days post IUI and I actually had to think about what day it is in the cycle. That's new, I don't know if that's a good thing or not. It could be that my Dad is in the hospital with an untreatable illness and I am 100s of miles away. It's somewhat taken the focus off of me and my silly ovaries. It's been a long focus. 2 years and 1 month since my first pregnancy which turned out to be ectopic. A cornual ectopic no less a statistical anomaly in the ectopic world and I am that statistic. I have no tubal issue, no scarring, no blockages, no reason but I digress.

In that two years I have been pregnant two more times once which went to eight weeks before the DR finally addmitted that we would not be seeing a hearbeat this after three ultrasounds spaced out over several days and absolutely normal HCG levels with no bleeding. Devastating. Before that one I had a good deal of hope that we just needed to get pregnant again and all would be well. The next time we got pregnant the numbers again doubled but I got the telltale bleeding at week five and ended that one in the emergency room after passing out on the bathroom mat in a pool of blood. I thought I had another ectopic but it was a "normal" miscarriage. I have not been able to get pregnant since.

I am in my second Clomid IUI cycle and during the first I was sure I was going to get pregnant. Hope springs eternal. With three large follicles and well timed Ovidrel shot and IUI I thought how could I not. I was devastated, almost as much as with each miscarriage. This time I am finding myself forgetful, almost not a part of the process. I wonder if it is a protection in some way. I feel the same way about news of my fathers illness. Numb.

I still find joy though and sometimes it surprises me. My nieces are always good for some comic relief with their pure joy for life and the chickens as they grow are just comical. They sit in a coop with a mesh screen front and the cats lay in front of it and watch it as if it's a wide screen television set up for their own entertainment.

These chickens were a gift from a good friend after my last failed IUI. It's a good friend who can give you chickens :) It did the trick for me, pulling me out of my doldroms watching them grow from tiny chicks into gangly teenage chickens. A perfect gift for a childless mother.