That's what this blog will be, kind of like my mind right now.
First I had the craziest dream last night. I was at a hotel with a bunch of people We were all there for something..Not sure what but during this time I was pregnant and I had to have my first US and it wasn't my Dr and she made me recline with my head way down towards the floor so she could get a good image. She said, "You know how much trouble we had last time." Then she starts the US and says "Oh there it is in exactly the right spot", and she shows me on the screen and it's a baby, but it has wings...not like angels wings although today that's what comes to mind, but in the dream they were bird wings and I said can you fix that because I think it will be hard for a kid to have wings. I don't remember what she said. Then the rest of the dream was me trying to find my husband and I kept running in to other friends and aquaintances and they knew where i had been so they wanted to know what had happened and I kept running away because I wanted to tell my husband first.
I don't know how to interpret it, I think I am trying not to.
Second I went to Toys R Us today to get a gift for a nieces birthday and I was completely overwhelmed and people were getting on my nerves and it's at times like these that I think to myself, "Really, this is what I want for myself "(all of the commercialism and toys etc) but then after I left I was able to talk myself down a little. One of my major fears is that I will struggle and struggle to have a child, finally get one and realize that it was a bad idea and that it will ruin my life and I will be a bad bad mother..it's silly...I know, I know.
Third I want to eat everything in sight. I am super hungry, which is my body preparing for pregnancy, it's what everyone goes through at PMS time. I just want to believe it's already happened and that's why I want to eat.
Here's what I know.
I could be pregnant but it's statistically not likely. It's so hard to write that but I feel I need to do it since at these times I am very good at convincing myself otherwise and it is a big fall from that place to a negative test result and my period.
I want a baby, a family and there are lots of good reasons that I want it. I will do my best to be a good mother but there will likely be days I will be tired and I want my freedom back and that's a normal feeling and won't make me a bad mother.
My dream was my way of processing all that's going on and the bird wings are my fears that even when it happens something will be wrong. Not surprising considering.
I don't know what the point of this post is...maybe just to get it all out.