Sunday, September 19, 2010

All over the place

That's what this blog will be, kind of like my mind right now.

First I had the craziest dream last night. I was at a hotel with a bunch of people We were all there for something..Not sure what but during this time I was pregnant and I had to have my first US and it wasn't my Dr and she made me recline with my head way down towards the floor so she could get a good image. She said, "You know how much trouble we had last time." Then she starts the US and says "Oh there it is in exactly the right spot", and she shows me on the screen and it's a baby, but it has wings...not like angels wings although today that's what comes to mind, but in the dream they were bird wings and I said can you fix that because I think it will be hard for a kid to have wings. I don't remember what she said. Then the rest of the dream was me trying to find my husband and I kept running in to other friends and aquaintances and they knew where i had been so they wanted to know what had happened and I kept running away because I wanted to tell my husband first.

I don't know how to interpret it, I think I am trying not to.

Second I went to Toys R Us today to get a gift for a nieces birthday and I was completely overwhelmed and people were getting on my nerves and it's at times like these that I think to myself, "Really, this is what I want for myself "(all of the commercialism and toys etc) but then after I left I was able to talk myself down a little. One of my major fears is that I will struggle and struggle to have a child, finally get one and realize that it was a bad idea and that it will ruin my life and I will be a bad bad's silly...I know, I know.

Third I want to eat everything in sight. I am super hungry, which is my body preparing for pregnancy, it's what everyone goes through at PMS time. I just want to believe it's already happened and that's why I want to eat.

Here's what I know.

I could be pregnant but it's statistically not likely. It's so hard to write that but I feel I need to do it since at these times I am very good at convincing myself otherwise and it is a big fall from that place to a negative test result and my period.

I want a baby, a family and there are lots of good reasons that I want it. I will do my best to be a good mother but there will likely be days I will be tired and I want my freedom back and that's a normal feeling and won't make me a bad mother.

My dream was my way of processing all that's going on and the bird wings are my fears that even when it happens something will be wrong. Not surprising considering.

I don't know what the point of this post is...maybe just to get it all out.


Anonymous said...

Oh I love trying to analyse dreams! Although sometimes i think they are just our subconcsious way of letting us be creative since we are so pinned down by schedules and drugs and procedures most of the time in real IF life.

I think you'll be a wonderful mother, but I understand how you get to a point where you also question that fact too. We are so used to questioning everything, including our own bodies so it makes sense that we'd loose a little faith in ourselves sometimes. But despite all that, and when it comes down to it you'll love your child fiercely and you will be the best mother you can be, which I'm sure will be pretty darn good.

cgd said...

This is such a smart post. I think you are so right, that you want a baby but know that there will days that you will struggle being a parent (as we all will). I worry that all this IF stuff means that we have to love parenthood 100% of the time (there is no way that will happen). I hope that this is your month (regardless of what the stats are). hang in there......

bunny said...

Sounds like you are smart and thoughtful about this whole thing, not crazy and deluded! I am personally really optimistic for your future, and look forward to seeing you navigate parenthood.

Anonymous said...

It's good to get it all out. I have posts that go round and round and when I finish them and press "publish", I feel good.
Happy ICLW!

Lu said...

Writing is cathartic for me, and sounds like it is for you, too! Get it all out!

One of my favorite dreams of all time was dreaming that I was pregnant and had my baby and the doctor hands me my baby to hold the first time and I see that he is Asian (my husband and I are not). We are trying to adopt a little boy from Vietnam, and even though it's not going well, I try to keep that image in my mind and hope that there is much more meaning to it.

christine said...

I am glad you were able to get it all out, despite the randomness! That's what blogs are for! I hope you are able to get what you want and remember that this month may still surprise you!

ICLW #43

Lisa said...

It's easy to read things into dreams and suspect that there is some truth in them. I do think it's just a way of processing our emotions and thoughts, so that your fears and hopes come out in vivid colour and you work through them. I don't want to get into analyzing your dreams, but just remind you that the tests and procedures you have been through are stressful.

I remember thinking, at the very last minute when there was no going back, that I was crazy to think I could be a mother. I was momentarily terrified, and then my daughter was here and whether I believed in myself or not, I had to rise to the challenge. It's been a wonderful, crazy, scary and rewarding 10 years. You will be just fine when the time comes.

Lisa (ICLW #86)

Crossed Fingers said...

That is a strange dream! haha - I always wake up from mine and think "What was THAT all about?!"

I think your views on motherhood are very realistic - that even though you want it there will be days you want your freedom back too. That doesn't make you or any other mother who thinks the same thing - bad. It's makes them normal!

Happy ICLW #115

Mummy in Waiting said...

I feel precisely the same way as you are describing! Will I finally achieve my dream of being a mummy and find it's not all I thought it would be? I think these are normal fears whether we are going through infertility or not. And I can totally relate to going into toy shops and being overwhelmed with what to buy! There are so many options these days! I always end up leaving with a gift voucher. Hehe.

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