Saturday, November 13, 2010

I can't form a coherent thought

Well at least not in a timely manner that's required for polite conversation. I keep forgetting words..and stand there searching, saying, you know the word I am thinking...?

Plus I ate dinner and sat down on the couch at 7pm last night to just hang out for a bit and fell asleep. I slept until the Mr. came home and put me to bed and then I slept through the night.

The progesterone suppositories are killing me. I am a fluffy, squishy even fatter image of myself with a new and disturbing mental defect and the inability to stay awake for a full day. Plus my breasts are so sore and have been for over a week I would gladly give them to someone else. Please take them, I don't want the fuckers anymore. It's brilliant. I had to do a training last week and was terrified that I would say "you know that thing, you know where you click?"

I have also been having these crazy all over the place conversations with myself.

"If you get pregnant and you have another miscarriage, this is it. I am not kidding, we are not trying again." "Well what if it works out and it's twins a boy and a girl and our family is complete" "Oh for F's sake, who are you kidding"

"Well ok if we don't get pregnant, then we are going to do IVF and then that's it." "I don't really want to do IVF" "I know but what if that is what would make the difference and if we don't for the rest of our life we would wonder if that would have given us a child?" "Fine, but what if I do IVF, go through all of the medical visits, shots, retrieval, emotional crap, empty our bank account, and it doesn't work or worse it works and we miscarry or have another ectopic that leads to more surgery or more injections, more pain?" "Um" That's where I have no more words, I mean who can argue with that.

I hate to be so negative, hate hate hate it but I just don't have an answer. I don't know whats best.

I've decided I will test Wednesday. It's 12dpiui. I got the super early tests, three of them, so I can test on the 12th, 13th and 14th and then stop the progesterone. I figure if I test on Wed and get a positive, maybe my RE will do a beta on Thursday and then another on Saturday saving me from having to find a lab in podunk Pennsylvania where I will be for all of the next week.


Kelly said...

The end of the wait is the worst, especially when you are on hormones. I'm sorry it's making it worse for you.

Hang in there. I think your plan sounds great! I hope the time goes quickly for you and that you get that BFP!

Where are you going to be in PA??

manapan said...

My fingers are crossed for you!

Jennifer said...

Kelly - we will be in still water on the eastern side. :)

bunny said...

I've heard about these side effects of progesterone, and they sound SUPER SUCKY! I feel like those what ifs are impossible to silence during the wait. It all kinda ramps up then, and just won't quit. This might sound hollow and pointless and annoying, but the right path will become clear, one step at a time. Of course I'm hoping that the first two steps will be a positive on Wednesday and huge betas on Thursday and Saturday...

AmyG said...

Such an exhausting process. And, hey, you don't have to specify the whole flow-chart. You just have to know what your next move is, even if the next move is "make a decision." My heart is with you this week.