Monday, August 2, 2010

Is it over?

Well I had my surgery, Hysteroscopic septum resection and laparoscopy. It went really well. There was a septum, a decent sized one that made my tubal openings very constricted. The Dr showed me pics and it honestly looked like a nose in there, rubbery and in the way. Weird. Recovery was fine, I had a Foley catheter for 4 days after and that was the biggest pain, it kept leaking and the plug on the end would pop off…To say I didn’t dare leave the house is an understatement. We can’t be intimate for two weeks, but I honestly don’t think that’s an issue for my hubby after how he had to see me recently…He can’t take that kind of stuff.

Now I am on estrogen for another week and then will start the progesterone for a week, then hopefully will get a period. I have to wait another full cycle after that, and then I call Dr on day one to schedule the Sonohysterogram to make sure everything is doing what she wants it to do. Then we can try again.

My Dr went over the images with me, before septum, after septum, tubes, ovaries, small bits of endo, my liver etc. All fixed all good. She showed me how constricted my tubes were which is a good reason for my ectopic, how inhospitable the environment which is a good reason for the miscarriages and all my heartache.

You might think I would be happy. I thought I would be! Hopeful and happy and ready to go. I am numb. Which is why I have not been posting, reading, commenting. I just can’t get going again. I may have lost faith. I read others posts, strong, strong women who are still going, after way more than I’ve had to put up with and I feel weak. Where’s my drive gone? Am I done?

What a whiner I feel like. They found it! This is what I have been waiting for, a REASON. Why am I so nonplussed? Is it fear? Do I really believe that they’ve found it? Do I finally realize that I will never be able to undo what’s happened over the last 2 + years? Not even when they find it…can I change what happened.

I am trying. I will keep trying. But…when will I be done?

1 comment:

bunny said...

I don't know. I think if I'd been through what you've been through and then someone told me there was a reason, I'd fall apart. Maybe in more of a RAGEY way, but exhaustion sounds pretty reasonable to me. Like you said, all that heartache, and WHY? I don't mean to pretend I can understand, but I guess I just think whatever you're feeling has got to be a "normal" reaction under the circumstances. Anyway, I'm glad the surgery went well, and hope a time will come when you feel different about the future. My best wishes.