Sunday, October 31, 2010

I want to kill I want to love you

Ok so there's no way DH and I are going to just "relax and have sex" today or tomorrow for that matter. I want to kill him. Not just him, anyone that crosses my path. I am hormonally jacked right now. The mood swings are diabolical.

Oh and my shot last night - hurt like hell and gave me a bruise. It's punishment for saying the shots didn't hurt on an earlier blog.

My second US is tomorrow, I hope that I am done, and the follies are ready to go and I just have to give myself one more shot, the Ovidrel tomorrow night and I hope this IUI is my last one, and I really, really, hope I actually get pregnant..and then if it's not too much fucking trouble, I'd like to really stay pregnant and have a healthy baby 8 or so months later.

On our date last night DH and I talked about our lives post IF treatments. i.e. next year. It went like this.

"Well if we are pregnant then next year we will ...." actually we didn't get very far with this one. It's just too painful.

but this one

"Well if we do the IUI and then next month we prepare for IVF (possibly do another injectable IUI in the meantime, then do the IVF then if all of that doesn't work. Then we are done right? We are finished, shop closed? Yes? OK. Then we can put this behind us. Maybe we will go to Vegas to see my brother compete in the Beer pong tournament (I'm not kidding) and I am going to start running again, maybe I can do a half marathon? and we can maybe plan that trip to Italy we've been talking about? your sister keeps asking when we are going to go to Hawaii, and I am going to get my resume going, maybe find something new to do? and maybe you can go back to school?"

I have struggled with this over the last few days. As hard as stopping is going to be if that's what it comes to. Going forward is just too hard. I can't do it, I need a Hard Stop to this madness. There is just not enough hope left in the hopper. I am down to the dregs and I think it will be just enough to get me through the next three months of treatments. If this doesn't work I am quitting. There's something comforting in that, but also something so sad I can't even put words to it.


Mad Hatter said...

Ugh. I hear you, sister. It's so hard to think beyond this. And I get the diabolical feelings. One day, hour, moment at a time. I agree that it's comforting to have a plan of some sort, just for oneself, and if different information presents itself between now and then, it can always be changed. Hang in there. We're all here for you, cheering you on.

bunny said...

Oh, the list of things that we put off during this journey is always a heartbreaker. But it has to be that way. And I'm not surprised your hope is stretched to the limit. I hope things go well today, and I hope SO MUCH that this cycle works, and you never have to face those terrifying choices.