Well I expected to have a nice weekend visiting with DH's family. A picnic, a couple of birthdays, a lovely time had by all.
What I was least expecting was dear cousin to be talking about her plans for a home birth.
I was shut down, turned around, unsure of myself and lost.
I just wish Aunt DH would have emailed me and DH ahead of time. I had NO IDEA this was news I'd be getting this weekend...I didn't think I'd be thinking about things like...."yeah that must be fun to tell people you are pregnant"...."to plan an at home birth"...."to be feeling morning sickness" YES I WAS JEALOUS OF HER MORNING SICKNESS! I was GREENER than GREEN. Why can't that be me? Why? Why? I am reduced to this?
And do you know the kicker.....? She declined a margarita and said...oh no you and Dear Aunt have two for me. What I heard... "Go ahead bitch have a margarita, cause you're not pregnant...and may never be again."
I had no idea this was the weekend I was in for.
I had no idea this was the reaction I would have.
I had no idea I would spend my Sunday feeling alternately bad about myself for how jealous I am, and being jealous beyond belief and all reasoning.
DH's family is lovely. Loving, kind, excitable, family people and I am unable to provide "family". Don't get me wrong they love me no less, but I feel the loss of continuity....the loss of tradition....the loss...Please god tell me when this sorrow will end for me?? Have I mourned enough yet? Please?