Sunday, August 29, 2010

Blindsided

Well I expected to have a nice weekend visiting with DH's family. A picnic, a couple of birthdays, a lovely time had by all.

What I was least expecting was dear cousin to be talking about her plans for a home birth.

I was shut down, turned around, unsure of myself and lost.

I just wish Aunt DH would have emailed me and DH ahead of time. I had NO IDEA this was news I'd be getting this weekend...I didn't think I'd be thinking about things like...."yeah that must be fun to tell people you are pregnant"...."to plan an at home birth"...."to be feeling morning sickness" YES I WAS JEALOUS OF HER MORNING SICKNESS! I was GREENER than GREEN. Why can't that be me? Why? Why? I am reduced to this?

And do you know the kicker.....? She declined a margarita and said...oh no you and Dear Aunt have two for me. What I heard... "Go ahead bitch have a margarita, cause you're not pregnant...and may never be again."

I had no idea this was the weekend I was in for.

I had no idea this was the reaction I would have.

I had no idea I would spend my Sunday feeling alternately bad about myself for how jealous I am, and being jealous beyond belief and all reasoning.

DH's family is lovely. Loving, kind, excitable, family people and I am unable to provide "family". Don't get me wrong they love me no less, but I feel the loss of continuity....the loss of tradition....the loss...Please god tell me when this sorrow will end for me?? Have I mourned enough yet? Please?

6 comments:

Jennifer said...

Fertile Whore came to mind more than once this weekend...thanks Bunny...it was the only genuine smile I had.

Kelly said...

I wish I had answers for you, but I don't. I have a few people in my life who are sensitive, but for the most part, people aren't. They talk about babies, pregnancy, etc as if I haven't gone through anything. People don't ask if I'm ok anymore. To them, I suppose I should either be over it or they're at a loss for words.

It's sad that you had to feel this way, especially with people that you care about. Perhaps your husband could say something, kindly, so that this doesn't happen again?

(((HUGS)))

cgd said...

I am so very sorry for you, such a hard visit. I imagine we are all extra sensitive to the comments that most think are just harmless. Although I imagine that none of us would talk about how wonderful our jobs are around somebody who is recently unemployed, we would know better. Jealousy is the hardest emotion for me, yet I feel it all the time. Sending lots of love your way.

Augusta said...

Oh, That sounds like a very difficult visit. I'm so sorry you had to go through that on the weekend, especially since you love hanging out with your DH's family and this cast a shadow on a great experience. I hope the next visits are easier.

Isn't interesting how we feel hijacked by these feelings that feel so foreign to us. There is an old article that someone posted on their blog by Mahlstedt (1985) where she writes: "They [the infertile couple] are especially upset by their negative attitudes toward others, particularly their anger and jealousy" (p.339). I think a lot about this phenomenon in infertility, especially when I am in situations where I'm supposed to be pleasant and agreeable, while in my head, I am swearing a blue streak, and saying very awful things I wouldn't say out loud.

I think it's hard to keep in our minds that all of our feelings are acceptable: even anger and jealousy at people we love. That just doesn't sit well, does it. I wish I was better at just allowing my feelings to be whatever they are, even when my internal judge doesn't find them to be acceptable.

I hope you have a better week, Jennifer.

Lisa said...

Thank you for your sweet comments on my blog.

I'm so sorry ... sounds like a really difficult visit. I also wish I had answers for you ... IF sucks.

Thinking of you.

bunny said...

Oh....heartbreak. Being blindsided is impossible to deal with gracefully, but it sure sounds like you did a great job. I'd have needed to make a run for somewhere dark and quiet to hide. You've been through SO MUCH, I hope you can be gentle with yourself and not expect yourself to be over all the pain or to be able to be happy for others all the time.