Saturday, October 23, 2010

I hate this shit.

Well it's done. I started bleeding this morning or sometime last night. Of course I didn't realize it until I had peed on another stick, oh well what's one more in the scheme of things.

This is how I feel....Fuck, Motherfucker, shit, stupid fuck, son of a bitch, stupid fucker..I am saying "Fuck You" as well but without any clear direction to point that particular swear in it is somewhat impotent, pun intended.

Sorry - I hope that doesn't offend but those are the words that are coming out of my mouth. It is a very bitter, bitter day. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently but today I hate everything.

This was my morning:
I had a really bad sleep because of my cold, I couldn't sleep with my mouth closed, so I kept waking up with that really bad dry mouth, trying to clear my nose by blowing which just made my ears hurt, then giving up and taking a sip of water and trying to go back to sleep.

Finally at 4:30 I had to pee. Went and peed on peestick finished up - saw the bleeding. Said "Fuck". Still checked pee stick, negative. White as white can be.

4:35 Decided to just go lay on the couch until it became a decent hour so that the Mr could at least get some sleep.

4:45 I had made sourdough bread the night before and had left it in the oven to rise, so I decided to pull it out and finish making the loaf for the second rise. It looked good, so I dumped it on the counter and it was too wet and gooey and I got dough all over my hands and the floor and the wall and the loaf is probably going to be garbage since I think it rose too much. Cried a little and said "I can't fucking do anything right"

5:15 Decided to get a cup of warm water with lemon and honey. Just finished making said drink and dumped it on the floor. More "FUCK, fuck me, what the fuck? Can I just have my fucking hot drink?" I wonder if DH is still sleeping?

6:00 Decided to make real coffee since that may be the only bright spot in the morning.

7:30 Waited patiently for 8am to call REF clinic. Then realized I could just leave a message.

7:31 Left Message.

8:15 REF called back. Talked to Nurse about choice of injections. I said "since the Dr told me it doesn't matter which one I choose, I choose Gonal F for ease of use" She said "Oh the Dr has it in her chart that she wants you to use Follistim." "Fine, for FUCKS sake"(I didn't really say that out loud) Asked nurse if it was going to be an issue that I am sick. She wasn't sure. Will leave a message for Dr.

8:20 Talked to Reception to schedule US for Monday. I am so looking forward to that....AGAIN...Seriously? FUCK!

Meds ordered, US scheduled, Moping on the couch commenced, watching pay per view movies, along with eating which I do not feel even remotely bad about. I am going to do whatever the fuck I want to do today and I don't care.

6 comments:

bunny said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. This SUCKS! I don't know why you had to get this extra punch in the gut of getting your hopes raised. And of course everything is going to go wrong on a day like today. I agree--do whatever the fuck you want today.

Katie said...

I'm so sorry, girl. IF sucks. Every time you get your hopes up, AF is always waiting to crush them. At least that's how I feel.

Thinking of you. xx

Augusta said...

Sounds like a day in hell for you :(
Lack of sleep just strips away our ability to cope with anything, doesn't it? Argh! I hope you sleep better tonight.
Sending you hugs.

Mad Hatter said...

Oh,Jennifer, I'm sorry about the terrible day you've had. I hope you did do lots of decadent, self-indulging things to comfort yourself. I can so relate to the feeling of not being able to do anything right - please try to be gentle with yourself...you're doing the best you can in a fucking rotten, unfair and unpredictable situation. And one thing you've done right is write an honest and heartfelt blog post that speaks to all of us. ((Hugs))
Love,
Maddy

cgd said...

I am so sorry. I totally understsand the not being able to do anything right feeling. Yesterday I cried b/c I think my haircut is a little too short (clearly nothing to cry over). I hope this next cycle does the trick. I know I had a better response to injectibles when we were doing IUI's. Follistim is super easy to use (comes in pen form). Let me know if you have any questions, I have taken it a bunch of times so consider myself a follistim expert.
Hang in there, we are here for you.

Kelly said...

Yuck. How horrible. I'm so, so sorry. It's just so unfair.