I broke down today. The last two days I was traveling for work so I had to pretend I was fine and that I have no personal upheaval going on.
I think I did ok - I almost had myself convinced I was ok. I'm not. The floodgates opened up this morning as soon as I had time to contemplate.
I'm distraught. Discouraged. Devoid of hope for the future of my empty womb.
In fact I've decided to break up with IF. It's been three years of disfunction and I've had enough. IF ruins everything and that's not acceptable in my book.
I reserve the right to change my mind but at the present time I've decided that I will not pursue any more treatments. Not IVF and not IUI. I also don't want to try to "just relax and let it happen" I want off of this fucking train. I talked to my therapist about it and she was supportive. She said something that made a lot of sense. In my case I need to weigh the emotional, financial and physical cost against the odds of it working. For me, right now, the cost is too great.
I haven't given up on being a mother yet, I don't think. Donor egg donation really isn't an option for me, I am too afraid of going through all of that only to have a miscarriage. Surrogate again not an option. That leaves adoption.
It's been a rough week.
DH's Grandfather died and since I was traveling for work I wasn't able to join the family for his services. I don't feel closure. We will miss him dearly.
I found out for the millionth time that I am not pregnant and then didn't even have a moment to cry about it or address it and instead had to pretend all was fine and dandy.
On top of that I have been going a million miles an hour at work.
DH's cousin is now far enough along that they are planning her baby shower. I can't fucking go to that. I just can't. A. No one needs that much bitterness at such a happy event. and B. I think I might just lose my mind if I had to sit there.
I just want to lay down and sleep and pretend all of this isn't happening but that's not really an option is it?
So I will one more time start some research into adoption and try along the way to coax DH into discussions about it. I will also have to try to come to terms with the fact that I will never have DH's and my children. That's what saying I give up means and that's scary but the thought of trying again literally makes me physically ill. I am tired of what this is doing to me as a person.