Friday, November 19, 2010

I broke down today. The last two days I was traveling for work so I had to pretend I was fine and that I have no personal upheaval going on.

I think I did ok - I almost had myself convinced I was ok. I'm not. The floodgates opened up this morning as soon as I had time to contemplate.

I'm distraught. Discouraged. Devoid of hope for the future of my empty womb.

In fact I've decided to break up with IF. It's been three years of disfunction and I've had enough. IF ruins everything and that's not acceptable in my book.

I reserve the right to change my mind but at the present time I've decided that I will not pursue any more treatments. Not IVF and not IUI. I also don't want to try to "just relax and let it happen" I want off of this fucking train. I talked to my therapist about it and she was supportive. She said something that made a lot of sense. In my case I need to weigh the emotional, financial and physical cost against the odds of it working. For me, right now, the cost is too great.

I haven't given up on being a mother yet, I don't think. Donor egg donation really isn't an option for me, I am too afraid of going through all of that only to have a miscarriage. Surrogate again not an option. That leaves adoption.

It's been a rough week.

DH's Grandfather died and since I was traveling for work I wasn't able to join the family for his services. I don't feel closure. We will miss him dearly.

I found out for the millionth time that I am not pregnant and then didn't even have a moment to cry about it or address it and instead had to pretend all was fine and dandy.

On top of that I have been going a million miles an hour at work.

DH's cousin is now far enough along that they are planning her baby shower. I can't fucking go to that. I just can't. A. No one needs that much bitterness at such a happy event. and B. I think I might just lose my mind if I had to sit there.

I just want to lay down and sleep and pretend all of this isn't happening but that's not really an option is it?

So I will one more time start some research into adoption and try along the way to coax DH into discussions about it. I will also have to try to come to terms with the fact that I will never have DH's and my children. That's what saying I give up means and that's scary but the thought of trying again literally makes me physically ill. I am tired of what this is doing to me as a person.

16 comments:

Mrs. Misfits said...

I am so sorry, Hun. You have been through so much and this seems like a perfectly reasonable choice. I know how hard it is to seem put together and that you made it through one hell of a week is a testament to your strength. I am sending you great thoughts and some zen lasers for all the jerks at work who get mailing happy at this time of year. I'm hoping that these painful wounds heal quickly and that next steps, no matter how far off, are better ones.

I'll still be around to cheer you on and bake you a cupcake of cheer when you need it. Just say the word.

linda said...

Jennifer,

Knowing when to quit and choose another path is the strongest thing any of us can possibly do. I don't know how to do that myself and I wish that I did.

It's sheer heartbreak to contemplate the "idea" of never having our DH's children. OUR children that are truly our genetic flesh and blood. I've grappled with this for a long time yet I keep fighting it because I am not sure that I can even adopt. When I quit, there is nothing beyond trying for me.

That you are contemplating an "after" is such a light at the end of this miserably dark tunnel. I hope that your DH supports your decision to move in this direction with every atom of his being.

And you need to know in your heart that you can always change your mind and none of us will ever judge you for it. I know we've all changed our minds at some point and having a safe haven of "community" can be comforting.

Love,
Linda

cgd said...

What a week you are having.
First, I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your husband's grandfather. My thoughts are with your family during this time.
Second, i am glad that you are taking some time. I think it will do you and your husband some good.
These are major, big issues that you are dealing with and I know there is no easy way through it. I hope that you and your husband can come to path that you both are comfortable with.
We are here for you as you mourn the loss of biological children.
Thinking of you and sending love your way....
C

Adele said...

I'm sorry. And what a collection of awful events. Don't go to the shower. Your need to protect yourself is greater than her need to have you there ( wise words that were once told to me under also shitty circumstances).

Lisa said...

Ugh. I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel just a little bit better... I completely understand that you want to get off the IF rollercoaster. I'm so fucking sorry.

Katie said...

I am so sorry you are having such a rough week. I'm especially sorry for your loss, and I know how it feels to break down and just say enough is enough. Knowing when to stop fertility treatments is such a difficult decision, and I think you are so strong to step back and make that choice. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here.

Thinking of you.

bunny said...

I wish you hadn't come to this crossroads (because...FUCK! What the fuck is up with this world?!). It's a heartbreaking choice to make, and one that takes tremendous strength. And, in all honesty, one we are all terrified we'll come to in the end. Even me, still. Linda says it all so beautifully. I'll just echo her hope that your heart feels lighter as you ease into this.

Negative Nelly said...

IF changes you doesn't it....

cowgirltn said...

I am sorry. I hope your path forward is full of love and sunshine.

Lulu said...

Found you through LFCA. I just wanted to say that while you may feel alone, you are not. There are thousands, millions of women who feel your pain. You are loved.

Andie said...

I came here from LFCA. I am so sorry for all the losses you have suffered. I really understand your need to get off the IF train and think you are very brave and strong. Linda said it very well - it's one of the things that bothers me the most - not being able to give my DH a child.

Best wishes to you on your future journey. Thinking of you.

Another Dreamer said...

Here from LFCA. So sorry you are having a rough time, and it is completely understandable. (*hugs*) It is hard going to move on and let go of something you wanted to dearly. We decided to move on for the same reasons you mentioned- for us anymore, the cost is too great. Exactly. We decided at the beginning of this cycle that we are done trying for a biological child- after almost 4 years, we just can't do it anymore. We're planning on embryo adoption right now, and possibily domestic adoption later on. I also reserved the right to change my mind if I needed/wanted to... but I don't think I will, at least not anytime soon.

It's hard for people to understand that, but you have to do what you have to do for yourselves. Many (*hugs*) as you adjust to the new "norm" in you life.

AmyG said...

So hard. Wishing you peace and energy as you move towards the day when you bring your child(ren) home, one way or another.

rebecca said...

Here from LFCA to offer support and say I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time. It is so hard to come to that decision and I know it had to have taken a lot of time and thought for you to reach this point. My husband & I also made the decision after losing our daughter earlier this year to not pursue anymore IVF treatments, so I know how hard it is to let go of having a biological child. It is not an easy process and you definitely need to allow yourself to grieve that loss. We're pursuing embryo adoption currently and have also considered domestic adoption. Thinking of you guys as you move forward and wishing you strength for the journey ((hugs))

tasivfer said...

It's such a strong thing to do to know when enough is enough. I hope you're proud of yourself; I think you are incredibly brave and strong! ((HUGS))

CoffeeBlue said...

Hi. Found you through LFCA. I'm sorry to read all that you have been through. We recently decided to stop TTC and move on to adoption. I still cry. All the time. And being around pregnant people is heart-wrenching. But our choice to pursue adoption definitely brings some light. Wishing you the best in whatever you decide....