Monday, August 23, 2010

Chick Update

So little chicken is doing much better - I don't know why. Vet said it could be the anti inflammatory that I have been giving her through a little dropper twice a day and she will go downhill at a later date OR she could be fine and may have had some other issue than the dreaded chicken virus.

Either way we have a reprieve and that makes me happy. She's being her usual self running around clucking self importantly at her sister and eating everything in sight.

I am coming up on the end of this cycle - a new kind of two week wait. Not the usual - this one I am waiting for the start of a cycle where we can try again. On about day 6 we will have the sonohysterogram and then if all is good we can go ahead and try for a natural cycle. A NATURAL I think that will work AHAHAHAHAH. :) but we will try and if not we start IVF the month after.

Something new that's been bugging me is the impact this IF has had on my work life. I skipped the company picnic on Friday. It's a baby and child fest that tortured me last year. I ended up babysitting a co workers daughter and helping her get her face painted etc. It was lovely to spend time with her - I love kids but also bittersweet and this year my co worker who I got pregnant at the same time with last year was coming with her little boy and I just couldn't face it.

So I missed out on all of the schmoozing and networking because I just can't handle the fact that she has a beautiful little boy and I have a horrible miscarriage memory. The first time she brought her baby to work and had me hold him (She knew I had miscarried...) I felt completely numb and couldn't wait to hand him back and had a few weeks where I wondered if maybe I shouldn't have kids since I so obviously had no feelings for this one and possibly any....

So on top of everything else what angers me about IF is the unrecognized impacts. Is it the end of the world I missed the company picnic? No probably not, but did it keep me from networking, make me look non company oriented, mark me in some way as an outsider...Yes I think it might have.


cgd said...

I hate that IF impacts every aspect of your life. This is something that those fertiles will not get all and I often wonder if they think we are crazy by how impacted we seem. Schmoozing opportunities aside, I think it was smart to skip out of that picnic and a good way to take care of yourself.

bunny said...

So glad about the chicken! I've actually been worrying about her (because I need new things to worry about). And I will be hoping the SH goes really well. Natural cycles make me laugh, too, but you never know.

I certainly empathize with feeling like IF has screwed the work life. I've been a total hermit since this got rolling. But I hope you'll cut yourself some slack. There's a real possibility that you've passed a turning point, and that things will be BETTER. (I know, it's not very helpful to say that, but it's true.) Do what's best for YOU for the time being.

Augusta said...

Hi ennifer,
Thanks for stopping by my blog today. It was nice to find your comment there. Thank you.

I am glad to read that your chicken is ok and appears to be clucking along. Poor little thing. No fun being sick, for neither humans nor chicks.

I have felt the reach of infertility in pretty much all spheres of my life and have missed many a social occasion because of it. I just don't always have it in me to face that whole catastrophe (bellies, babies, families; It's not a catastrophe, I know, it just feels like it when I'm down). I used to be harder on myself about missing things like the company picnic you describe, but I have put a stop to that. I feel like people don't understand infertility, so they have no clue what such an event can do to my heart. But I know! And it's my job to take care of my heart. So I stay home. Sometimes I go out to events when I feel in a better head/heart space, but otherwise, I just don't go. And it's ok. I hope it can be ok for you too.

Melanie said...

I am so glad to hear about Miss Chicky!

And I think I would echo everyone else in saying that your feelings about pregnant people are normal - frustrating and painful - but normal.