So not only did my Sister in law bring over her "news" to holiday dinner #1 but she also brought the 3 little ones who had been vomiting for the entire day before(who does that). Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad.
I had a lovely first holiday dinner at dear Dad's drove cross country to dear Mom's and enjoyed lovely second holiday dinner. Woke up early to go black friday shopping with my mom which I've never done and was really looking forward to and proceeded to vomit for the next 24 hours straight. Cursing SIL, god, the universe and everything in it. I think I actually told DH that I wanted to die...eek.
It was really awful.
Other than that :) the holiday was really nice. I got to see almost all of my family and really enjoyed the little ones. I colored, and danced, and sang and read stories and rubbed backs and snuggled.
I also did a lot of soul searching. I truly don't know what to do. I am still adamant about not trying again, either through IVF, IUI or "not using condoms" as educated people keep asking me if I've tried. But being adamant about not trying doesn't take away the fact that I want a child and adoption seems so far out of reach. I am so confused right now I don't know which way is up.
I am also so angry at my Best Friend. She just really doesn't get it, and having been a very big part of my life for the last three years, I just don't understand how she can't get it. One of the condom comments came from her....again...like deja vue we had this conversation before and I explained the fear, and stress, and the legitimate concern that I would have another ectopic. How I am past the point of just letting it all go and having sex to see what happens. I just don't get it that she doesn't get it. She immediately clams up when I want to really talk about it or she says something flip like. "Your uterus has only been fixed up for a few months and you are giving up". Nice. The hard part is she is a really good friend, a sympathetic friend who is alway helping people and worrying about people. It hurts even more that she is so blase about this. I have been having very eloquent discussions with her...in my head.
On a happy note, During the whole vomit fest I realized again how much I love my husband and how truly lucky I am. The man (with a very real and overactive gag reflex) got up with me each and every time I vomited to stroke my head and back, hold my hair out of the way and tell me it would be ok. He also got me a tissue, my toothbrush, whatever I needed and didn't complain not even a little tiny bit. He spent time with my mom (I was pretty much incoherent for most of the 24 hours). He also rebooked our flight out because I was still vomiting at the time we would have needed to leave for the airport and I didn't think the other passengers would appreciate that. (Another $1000 later and we are home...that could have been meds for another cycle. Yikes. I think I will send the bill to dear SIL.) Some people just don't get love like this and I appreciate the fact that I have it and I hope I get to keep it for a long long time. Having gone through infertility and three miscarriages I am a little jumpy that it will be snatched away from me at any moment so I plan to give it all I've got.