Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Stick a fork in me

I think I'm done.

Another negative test and slight bit of spotting this morning. It's day 29. I guess I could have ovulated really late, but we would have probably missed the window then since the last time we BD'd was day 16. I mean I know they say sperm can live for 5 days but...seems unlikely in my imperfect world.

In my other three pregnancies I had a positive test by day 25. Although it has occured to me in the last couple of days that those were not viable pregnancies so maybe I shouldn't be looking to them for what to expect...

So there we are. Now I just have to figure out how to work in this trip with another cycle. I either do it as quickly as possible, get all of my vaccinations and go, or plan it out at the end of the year and if I get pregnant in the meantime I tell them I can't go? Any ideas for me? I can't figure out how I am going to fit an injectable cycle in here before the end of the year. *@&#%&@#$*&!!!!

I'm ok. I'm really working on not spiraling down into the negative. It takes a lot of energy to question the thoughts around, I will never get pregnant again. It's exhausting.

I'm irritated that I was so lost this cycle. I guess I can really never go back to the attitude of "just let it happen" because it doesn't f'ing happen. I need the charting and the positive OPK and the Ultrasounds so I know what the hell is going on. The ambiguity was torture.

So out comes my BBT thermometer and my notepad and pen. And I am buying the 20 pack of OP's as I get ready to get back in line for round two.

It's interesting though how far I am distancing myself from the sadness that usually comes. After one failed IUI I cried off and on for an entire week. It's a dissapointment this time, frustration surely but no sadness. I wonder what that's about. I'm too jaded now to cry?


April said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you words to help.


bunny said...

I'm so sorry, too. I also feel like some cycles are harder than others, who knows why. Disappointment and frustration are no fun, but I hope the sadness really does stay away.

Katie said...

I'm so sorry about the negative and the spotting. I think that, even though we get a little more jaded with each cycle, the negatives get more difficult to swallow. At least that's how it works for me. Here's hoping that next cycle brings you better luck.

cgd said...

I am so sorry that this cycle was not it and that your body is playing little mind games with you. I agree with the comments about each cycle feeling different and some just being harder than others. Go easy on yourself.

Browniris said...

I'm so sorry about the BFN. :(


Kelly said...

I wish this cycle would have turned out differently for you. It's just so incredibly frustrating.