I went on a road trip this weekend with some good friends. Friends I used to backpack with, travel with, drink with, etc. Without TTC hanging over my head for the first time in a very very long time. I didn't realize how long it had been, until we all started talking, recapping our past trips and time spent together. I've missed so much. I stopped backpacking and traveling. Some trips I missed because I was pregnant, some I missed because I was miscarrying, some I missed because we were trying and I needed to be close to the DR. I never regretted it, I had a goal a plan, and it was worth it.
It was great to have a glass of wine and not even think about it. It was great to hike hard, sweat, get sunburned and a little sore. It was fun to eat road food, and practically no veggies (although I did regret it later :)) It was great to just have sex with my husband for it's own sake. It was fun to forget for a moment that I can't have children and talk about men, life, jobs, politics, food, drink and friendship. It was great to realize I have not lost my friends even though I have moved to the background of this life for so long.
What was greatest of all though was the lack of stress. Stress over schedules, pills, shots, dr apts, my relationship and what ifs.
I feel more myself than I have felt in years. I can't believe it's been years.
As I try to figure out what to do next I feel as if I am on the threshold of the next part of my life. I am at the end of this infertility phase and I am not quite sure how it is going to turn out but I am seeing myself there at the threshold and I missed me.