Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Opening my mind..

My IVF Consult is Friday. I don't know what to think. After my recent vacation from TTC I am reluctant to jump back in. I go back and forth between two schools of thought:

1. I have to try, if I don't try I might regret it, Hubby might regret it. If we don't try we will never know.
2. I shouldn't even try, It's not going to work because....I'm too old, I'm broken inside, I will just miscarry, I'm too old, I won't be a good mother anyway, what if I regret it, I'm too old...ugh

I realize that number two is my fears, fears that have had a good long time to fester and grow out of proportion but I know how much is involved in IVF(or I think I know), and I know how much is involved with a miscarriage. I honestly don't know if I have the strength left to come out on the other side OK.

I think another part of the fear is that this is it for us, this is the lengths we've agreed to go. What if it doesn't work? There are no donor eggs for us, we don't have any moral issues with it(or any other issue), but both decided that if that was the case then we would want to adopt a baby or child who needed a home. Neither of us are that tied to our own genes. Adoption...every time I look into it I get discouraged..and I know my therapist always says small steps..take each step one at a time, but I really feel I should have started the adoption process three years ago. It seems such an abstract. If only I'd known what the future held. Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda...

So for now, I will commit to taking the small steps. I WILL be at the IVF consult questions in hand, I WILL look at our finances, I WILL keep an open mind about needles and banish my fears to the dark.

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