Monday, November 8, 2010

Trying to remember what I came here for

I started this blog just to get the words and thoughts out of my head. To get some clarity and say the things that I had let go unsaid for so many months and years. The things I didn't have anyone to hear. I'm not a writer and I am not trying to win any awards. I just wanted a safe place to post my thoughts.

It turns out that it has been a wonderful place for that and it has really helped me to release some of the anger and sorrow and clutter from my mind.

An unexpected and happy side effect was that when I tentatively started commenting on others posts those people came back and started reading what I had read and posted comments of encouragement for me.

I say tentatively because I was and still am always worried that I will say the wrong things, that I will say too little or too much, talk about myself too much in a comment that is meant to show understanding. Or completely miss the mark on what the persons message was.

An unexpected and not so great side effect is wondering if people like me. If I am being judged...How silly...I am only showing one side of myself but my need to "be liked" still shows up even in this virtual IF world and now it's even crossed over into Posting. Is this post going to upset someone? Is the content too gross? Does anyone even care?

I don't know where all of this self doubt has come in on my posting ability and why it's shown up recently but it's certainly stopped me from posting at times when I had something to say. I am going to try to remember why I came here and do what I set out to do and not worry about all the rest of it.

7 comments:

Katie said...

You know, I used to worry a lot about offending people or pissing people off. But the fact is, I started my blog for me and I will end my blog for me. Nothing or no one can change the way that I feel. It someone doesn't like what I write, they don't have to read. It's like watching a television show. If it offends you, change the channel. Right? Just keep writing. I promise that the people who matter will still be here, reading along and lending their support. :)

Kim said...

I agree with Katie...this blog is your space and you shouldnt have to censor what you write because your worried how we might feel. We come here because we like you and support you. And if people dont like what you say, they can go to some other blog and follow them. You will find your true "IF" friends will stick around, for all of the posts. Don't worry about us, keep being you. xoxoxoxox

Mad Hatter said...

Yeah, I know what you mean. And yet I keep opening my big mouth and saying stuff anyway. Right now I'm entangled in a debate with Dr. Ramirez on his blog - I don't know why I can't just leave well enough alone! But you know what? Kim is right - like attracts like and the people who have the same outlook will find you and stand by you. Thanks for the very honest post.

Love,
Maddy

P.S. I admit that when I see "TMI" I can't stop myself from reading to see how gross it really is. I don't think anything has truly grossed me out yet! ;-)

cgd said...

I totally agree with the other posters. This is your space and you need to use it as much or as little as you need to and talk about anything and everything for that matter. I totally agree with wondering if people like me. I guess this becomes like any social situation, you always wonder if you are one of the "cool kids". I have mostly not been one of the cool kids, by the way.
I love your blog and look forward to you posts and your comments. I am looking forward to following you as you move through this journey.

b said...

i also agree with katie.

i think it's a natural human emotion to worry about what other people think of us (though there are some people out there who don't give a monkey's uncle and sometimes i wish i could be more like them!)...but i have to agree that it's your space, you should say and do what you like. but then on the other hand, i get it that you don't want to say the wrong thing..and i think most people feel like that. i know of ladies who've gone on to get their BFPs, but then are really hesitant about posting anything to do with the bfp or the pregnancy in case it seems like they're insensitive or boasting.

but at the end of the day, we use this blog as a tool to get out feelings that perhaps we can't in real life.

i've decided this month not to be involved in the ICLW thing because i think, i'm not here for the comments or to have anyone else read my blog...i have my blog for me.

in saying that though, i do enjoy reading other people's journeys...including your own. :)

b

bunny said...

I know! It's funny how self conscious we can get about something that's really meant to be a support mechanism! But like the others say, it's the way humans are. I totally support your plan to use this space however you want. Oh, and, not that it matters, but...we like you.

Adele said...

It is hard - and can be a balancing act. But I think you're right about honoring the reason you decided to blog in the first place.