I'm angry and this is not going to be a pretty post and tomorrow I may be ashamed that I felt this way but at least if I put it down here, maybe it won't flow out into work or tonights dinner, or phone conversations. There's no nice way to say it. I'm not just angry about this cycle. I knew that was a long shot. I'm angry about the whole thing. All the years. WTF?
This is what makes it so hard to continue down this path. Giving up feels like a tree lined path to serenity...a lonely one..but that's the price.
Lately when I fail to concieve (anger over a miscarriage is another anger altogether) I end up directing my anger to:
My husband(Why can't he get 100% on board, why can't he bring on the enthusiasm sometimes, why can't he make the decisions, the apts, take some of the tests, the pills, the shots? Why does he look at me with that deer in the headlights blank stare when I ask him what he thinks our next step should be? Why won't he even consider adoption, donor eggs, embryo adoption, foster parenting? Why do I once again have to be the one that says ok let's keep going with what feels like a lead weight on my back? Why was he angry at me all night how dare he after what I've been through?)
To my mother (what did she do when she carried me to make my uterus screwed up)
To my parents(step parents included)(why did they give such a piss poor example of relationships that it took me until my late 30's to trust anyone enough to marry them.)
To my fertile family and friends (Just who the fuck do they think they are with their birthday, christening, baby shower, facebook picks and videos, happy celebration announcements, and then the inevitable "you are so lucky Jen, you are free and it's so hard blah blah blah"? F You!)
To my friends who just can't get it. "You have to keep trying Jen or you may regret it" and then in the same conversation.."We are all flying to location A, you should come" Well if I do keep trying, I need to be near Dr so I can get a wand shoved up my hoo hoo, and I don't know if I can take hypodermic needles on a plane and if I happen to be pregnant when said trip happens, Dr won't let me go in case I have another ectopic and my tube ruptures at 20,000 feet I will bleed to death before the pilot can land. Can you please understand that? You've been with me through these 2+ years. You came over the day the Dr told me that a Cornual ectopic could kill me even if I was already in the hospital because the blood loss would be catastrophic and I had to decide to get a shot of posion to end it. Can someone please stay with me here. I can't keep having these conversation. But yet you want me to keep going, continuing is going to require more sacrifice, more pain, more discomfort, it's going to mean I miss work and trips, and can't drink and if you ask me about why one more fing time I might just freak out and go on prozac or zoloft or whatever's available and say fuck it to the whole thing. Except I'm the one that has to live with that decision.
There is a stupid commercial on TV now. It's the one where the little girl is sitting with her grandmother and saying how much she loves her and it's a lovely little commercial except it's not, it's fucking horrible. The tagline is something like "Family is everything" and I find it so offensive right now I can hardly hold myself back from screaming at the television. Because if family is everything then I am looking at a future of nothing.
I hope tomorrow is a less bitter day.