Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Angry is an ugly feeling

I'm angry and this is not going to be a pretty post and tomorrow I may be ashamed that I felt this way but at least if I put it down here, maybe it won't flow out into work or tonights dinner, or phone conversations. There's no nice way to say it. I'm not just angry about this cycle. I knew that was a long shot. I'm angry about the whole thing. All the years. WTF?

This is what makes it so hard to continue down this path. Giving up feels like a tree lined path to serenity...a lonely one..but that's the price.

Lately when I fail to concieve (anger over a miscarriage is another anger altogether) I end up directing my anger to:

My husband(Why can't he get 100% on board, why can't he bring on the enthusiasm sometimes, why can't he make the decisions, the apts, take some of the tests, the pills, the shots? Why does he look at me with that deer in the headlights blank stare when I ask him what he thinks our next step should be? Why won't he even consider adoption, donor eggs, embryo adoption, foster parenting? Why do I once again have to be the one that says ok let's keep going with what feels like a lead weight on my back? Why was he angry at me all night how dare he after what I've been through?)

To my mother (what did she do when she carried me to make my uterus screwed up)

To my parents(step parents included)(why did they give such a piss poor example of relationships that it took me until my late 30's to trust anyone enough to marry them.)

To my fertile family and friends (Just who the fuck do they think they are with their birthday, christening, baby shower, facebook picks and videos, happy celebration announcements, and then the inevitable "you are so lucky Jen, you are free and it's so hard blah blah blah"? F You!)

To my friends who just can't get it. "You have to keep trying Jen or you may regret it" and then in the same conversation.."We are all flying to location A, you should come" Well if I do keep trying, I need to be near Dr so I can get a wand shoved up my hoo hoo, and I don't know if I can take hypodermic needles on a plane and if I happen to be pregnant when said trip happens, Dr won't let me go in case I have another ectopic and my tube ruptures at 20,000 feet I will bleed to death before the pilot can land. Can you please understand that? You've been with me through these 2+ years. You came over the day the Dr told me that a Cornual ectopic could kill me even if I was already in the hospital because the blood loss would be catastrophic and I had to decide to get a shot of posion to end it. Can someone please stay with me here. I can't keep having these conversation. But yet you want me to keep going, continuing is going to require more sacrifice, more pain, more discomfort, it's going to mean I miss work and trips, and can't drink and if you ask me about why one more fing time I might just freak out and go on prozac or zoloft or whatever's available and say fuck it to the whole thing. Except I'm the one that has to live with that decision.

There is a stupid commercial on TV now. It's the one where the little girl is sitting with her grandmother and saying how much she loves her and it's a lovely little commercial except it's not, it's fucking horrible. The tagline is something like "Family is everything" and I find it so offensive right now I can hardly hold myself back from screaming at the television. Because if family is everything then I am looking at a future of nothing.

I hope tomorrow is a less bitter day.


cgd said...

Are you reading my mind? I have written nearly this same post. I am not sure that this will help you, but reading your post has helped me, just knowing that I am not the only person who feels this makes me feel better. So thank you for writing this post.
I am so sorry that you find yourself here, that we both do. It is very easy for others to tell us what to do with our bodies and our emotions when they have no idea. Just the other day my MIL asked me if i thought I should have another Lap done, hey thanks for signing me up for more surgery, how nice of you. People think it is so easy and it just isn't.
P.S. can we get our husband's in a room together an knock some sense into them? Mine takes the bio children or no children route and that is just not ok with me.
P.S.S. You can take needles on a plane, you just a dr's note. My dad is a diabetic and does it all time without any problems. Although, I know there are many, many others things preventing you from traveling right now.
Thinking of you and sedning love your way.

bunny said...

I am so sorry, you poor dear girl. Sometimes the unfairness and injustice of it all, and the loneliness--they just get overwhelming. A little rage fest is totally appropriate. Particularly in your've been through such complete hell. I can really only say my thoughts are with you, and I hope tomorrow's better, too.

Misfits said...

I think you are in the neighborhood here. How about we take turns telling family members and well-meaning friends off?

Just give the word, missy. I'll tell them to back the f*ck off.

I'm also hoping that the rest of your day went better. Something has got to give and I want it to be all good things.

Mummy in Waiting said...

(((BIG HUG))) Ditto.

b35 said...

you don't have to apologise for feeling that way. and it's no one's place to judge you or tell you what you should or shouldn't do. your feelings are yours and they are real.

Augusta said...

Gosh, it sounds like things are really hard right now. (and if you are still feeling as angry as when you wrote that post, you can tell me that I must be an fing rocket scientist. It's ok. I can take it :)

I am so sorry that things are very hard right now. It sometimes gets too much to bear. I really hope you and your husband can talk about your feelings. It sounds like you so, so want to be a mom, and like you wrote, there are different ways to achieve that.

Be good. Be good to yourself.

Jonelle said...

I think being angry is only natural, considering the IF ringer we have all been through.

And don't apologize for your post. This is your blog. Post away. Let it all out.


p.S. Thanks for visiting my blog.

egghunt said...

I think your anger is lovely. It's honest and I have to say that I agree with every single word you wrote. Especially the anger to friends paragraph, feels like you were inside my head reading my thoughts.
I'm glad you were able to come on here and let it all out, tomorrow you may feel differently but that doesn't mean that your anger isnt' justified.
Hugs. x