Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The full range of emotions

Well I'm two days post IUI and I actually had to think about what day it is in the cycle. That's new, I don't know if that's a good thing or not. It could be that my Dad is in the hospital with an untreatable illness and I am 100s of miles away. It's somewhat taken the focus off of me and my silly ovaries. It's been a long focus. 2 years and 1 month since my first pregnancy which turned out to be ectopic. A cornual ectopic no less a statistical anomaly in the ectopic world and I am that statistic. I have no tubal issue, no scarring, no blockages, no reason but I digress.

In that two years I have been pregnant two more times once which went to eight weeks before the DR finally addmitted that we would not be seeing a hearbeat this after three ultrasounds spaced out over several days and absolutely normal HCG levels with no bleeding. Devastating. Before that one I had a good deal of hope that we just needed to get pregnant again and all would be well. The next time we got pregnant the numbers again doubled but I got the telltale bleeding at week five and ended that one in the emergency room after passing out on the bathroom mat in a pool of blood. I thought I had another ectopic but it was a "normal" miscarriage. I have not been able to get pregnant since.

I am in my second Clomid IUI cycle and during the first I was sure I was going to get pregnant. Hope springs eternal. With three large follicles and well timed Ovidrel shot and IUI I thought how could I not. I was devastated, almost as much as with each miscarriage. This time I am finding myself forgetful, almost not a part of the process. I wonder if it is a protection in some way. I feel the same way about news of my fathers illness. Numb.

I still find joy though and sometimes it surprises me. My nieces are always good for some comic relief with their pure joy for life and the chickens as they grow are just comical. They sit in a coop with a mesh screen front and the cats lay in front of it and watch it as if it's a wide screen television set up for their own entertainment.

These chickens were a gift from a good friend after my last failed IUI. It's a good friend who can give you chickens :) It did the trick for me, pulling me out of my doldroms watching them grow from tiny chicks into gangly teenage chickens. A perfect gift for a childless mother.

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