Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I feel like I need to do an update, but there's not much to tell.**now that I've finished the post, this seems comical so I left it in**

I've spent the last few days really working on my relationship. "Timed intercourse" doesn't do much for a marriage as I'm sure you know. Good news is, all the extra work I did had a positive ripple effect. DH is feeling good, we had some great conversations, and we had lots of...well you know. Only one of those "sessions" felt forced and that was the morning after my Ovulation predictor test strip turned positive. It was truly awful ;) Neither one of us had any interest and it was more clinical than my IUI's! At least we were able to talk about it.

The food issue, well it's under control for now..It's a work in progress.

At my last therapy apt I got some news that's made me realize I can't coast anymore. I am not going to have this great lady to lean on much longer. Insurance is cutting me off. It seems my seeing her is no longer "medically necessary". Which to be honest is true. I have been very lucky they've covered me for as long as they have and it doesn't mean I can't go back at some point if things really go downhill and I can always pay my own way. We have a few more sessions to wrap up and I am realizing I really need to make these tools she's given me into habits. I really need to make sure that I incorporate these into my life. So in that spirit I am going to set that intention to all of you. I think if I put it down in writing and tell all of you, it will ingrain it more in my grey matter.

Meditation is one. For me it's more sitting quietly with my own thoughts, breathing, relaxing, and not judging all of the million thoughts that come into my brain. It's also about setting intentions for myself, and seeing myself do them in a positive way. Kind of giving myself a different perspective from the one where nothing works out :).

Exercise is another..Eeeks. I actually enjoy exercise, but I've learned on those down days it's the anxiety and habit that keeps me from doing it. So I am going to set my intention and just do it :)

Seeing people as "interesting". When I am down or having a hard time, it is very easy for me to think of people as scary. The idea is that I am to try and see people for the story they have to tell. Like reading a good book. My goal is to scratch the surface, and find commonality with the people I interact with and to not shy away from those interactions. I've been doing a really great job with this for awhile...and you know what, people are fascinating!

So three things to work on while I WAIT. According to my OPK and the BBT chart I am 1DPO. Woohoo! I am going to try to focus on my goals, and try to imagine this will all work out.

I think my biggest fear, and DH's is that we do get pregnant...and lose another one. We said it out loud to each other yesterday and now we are going to put it away because really, what can we do about it? I guess right now we are choosing to Hope.

Emily Dickinson

Hope is a thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings a tune without words
And never stops at all.

And sweetest, in the gale, is heard
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That keeps so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea
Yet, never, in extremity
It ask a crumb of me.

3 comments:

Augusta said...

It sounds like you are in a better place than a few weeks ago, Jennifer. I'm glad that things feel a bit better.
Too bad that you won't be seeing your therapist anymore because of insurance reasons. It sounds like it was helpful to you. Like you said, you will still have access to her if you need more time in therapy. I will soon say goodbye to my therapist and I don't want to. He's been amazing!

I love the Emily Dickinson poem on hope. thank you for sharing.

bunny said...

That is comical--you're clearly accomplishing ALL KINDS of personal growth. The fear of getting pregnant again and losing another baby is one I read a lot from people who have gone through a loss. I can't begin to imagine how hard that is. It sounds like you are both doing a really wonderful job of moving forward in spite of that fear.

Chels said...

I love your intentions. Thanks for sharing them. I too need to work on not judging the thoughts that come into my head. I'm so glad that you are choosing to move past your fear. I can't imagine how difficult it must be.