Monday, December 20, 2010

On a break

I've been taking a break from all things infertility related. I wish I could take a break from all things baby related honestly, but that seems impossible during the holidays.

Making the decision to not try IVF was a bigger one than I thought. I haven't changed my mind. I still don't feel it's the right choice for us, the thought of it makes me nauseous, even though many people have questioned me...many fertile people..who I look at and think wtf would you have been able to endure. I just didn't realize I would have another whole wave of grief come over me at this decision. I thought it might be liberating. Humpf.

I also went on and did open adoption research and ordered many pamphlets, brochures and info. When I received them I sat down to get started and promptly cried my heart out. I guess I am not ready. Not done grieving. It's almost like I am having to relive the last three years again. The ectopic, the miscarriages the treatments and tests and surgery. It's hard to not be sad.

I also got another "I'm pregnant" announcement...it seems to be the time of the year.

I am contemplating not trying to prevent a pregnancy and just seeing what happens..but I don't even know if I can get up the courage to face it all again. I want to repair my intimacy with my husband and we all know that this method doesn't help with that.

I am in a limbo state and it's all foggy and vague. I don't know which way I am going or where I will end up..I just hope the pain lessens up a bit so I can let in some holiday cheer.

I hope you are all hanging in there. I am going to get caught up with all of you hopefully in the next couple of days.

7 comments:

Illanare said...

This is all so hard and unfair but at this time of year it feels downright cruel.
Thinking of you.

cgd said...

sending lots of love to you. These crossroads places are hard to be in. Here to hold your hand along the way....

linda said...

You're in a tough spot. At 40 you've got to start trying like all hell at this point. Waiting a few months is equal to someone in their 20's or 30's waiting a few years. I know this because I started to try when I turned 40...and still am at 46. A feeling of panic sets in and it's all too familiar.

I had a similar reaction (to yours when looking at the adoption materials) when I decided to continue on with IVF but with donor sperm. I cried my eyes out when I realized that I wasn't going to have a child with the person I loved. It's so damned hard to let go of what we want, and go for what works. Not that any of us know what the even is!

I wish I had some words of wisdom or of comfort for you. Moving onto adoption really does entail a grieving of what "could have been" and no one can tell you when it's time to do that but your heart and that gnawing feeling in your stomach.

Angie said...

Limbo land is the hardest when you don't know which direction you're headed....many hugs to you.

AmyG said...

Such a trying place to be! You describe it so eloquently. Sending you my good thoughts for brighter days ahead.

Mrs. Misfits said...

I was thinking of you and I know that grieving too well. It's such an unfair burden to have to decide on what's next. It should be easy, it should work without having to make up our minds, and yet here we sit wondering which of the small decisions will turn us toward the future that we yearn for.

I want that brightness very much for you in the coming year. I am so sorry for all the crap that's unfolded and I hope that there are a few moments of joy and respite during the holiday. My thoughts are with you.

bunny said...

From what I've heard, every decision you make on this journey involves some kind of grieving! Like you really need more of that in your life. I'm sorry for the fog and the many different emotions. I hope you can take a real break from thinking about this for a few days, though this is not the easiest time of year for it.