I've been taking a break from all things infertility related. I wish I could take a break from all things baby related honestly, but that seems impossible during the holidays.
Making the decision to not try IVF was a bigger one than I thought. I haven't changed my mind. I still don't feel it's the right choice for us, the thought of it makes me nauseous, even though many people have questioned me...many fertile people..who I look at and think wtf would you have been able to endure. I just didn't realize I would have another whole wave of grief come over me at this decision. I thought it might be liberating. Humpf.
I also went on and did open adoption research and ordered many pamphlets, brochures and info. When I received them I sat down to get started and promptly cried my heart out. I guess I am not ready. Not done grieving. It's almost like I am having to relive the last three years again. The ectopic, the miscarriages the treatments and tests and surgery. It's hard to not be sad.
I also got another "I'm pregnant" announcement...it seems to be the time of the year.
I am contemplating not trying to prevent a pregnancy and just seeing what happens..but I don't even know if I can get up the courage to face it all again. I want to repair my intimacy with my husband and we all know that this method doesn't help with that.
I am in a limbo state and it's all foggy and vague. I don't know which way I am going or where I will end up..I just hope the pain lessens up a bit so I can let in some holiday cheer.
I hope you are all hanging in there. I am going to get caught up with all of you hopefully in the next couple of days.