No hope.

I went in this morning and there's no heartbeat. I got to see it with my own eyes. The sac is now 2cm and placenta still has good blood flow but there's minimal growth in the fetal pole and no hb.

It's all done. I'm either numb or crying. I feel like my miracle's been snatched from my hands. It feels really bad.

Dr apologized for how things were handled...I didn't bring up the email I may let her know later that this may not be the best way to deliver this news.

Dr offered a D&C. She said if I try to wait it out it could go on for weeks. She also offered meds but she didn't make those sound good. She said they would cause a lot of painful cramping. She said I could wait a week and see how I feel about the options. Let's just be truthful here, all of the options are big steaming piles of shit. It's just one pile of shit over another to choose from.

I told my boss. He's been good, he offered working from home as an option this week (he offered time off as well but I want to keep my mind occupied). I may do that tomorrow but I think I am going to try and go in on Wed. I need a diversion. Yesterday I sat on the couch or in the bed the entire day, with a look on my face similar to someone in a drug induced haze. I had a friend who needed to take lithium for Bipolar disorder. I felt the way she looked on those days when the lithium had really kicked in.

I've contemplated calling my therapist..I've contemplated just getting my GP to prescribe some anti depressants..but maybe I'll just wait a few days. One thing I know from experience is that this will pass and at some point I will feel a little better and then a little better. I just want to fast forward to that time because right now my spirit is crushed. My faith and hope and belief in good is all used up and gone.