Thursday, July 11, 2013

The Sorrow hit hard

I cried so hard last night I thought I might burst an eyeball or something.  It's the first time I've cried.  I mean at the US I had a few crocodile tears but I was pretending I was fine.  Shrugging my shoulders.  Giving DH a little smile.  And I've been keeping up that persona all along.   So. FINE. I'll admit it.  I've been toughing it out thinking I'd been through this before and I can take it.  But I can't.  The sorrow is just as sorrowful as it's ever been and I feel bad for myself.   I don't like to feel this way so I hope it goes as abruptly as it came.  I am sitting with it though because I know if I send it away it will just come back later on and torture me all the while.  I don't want to diminish anyone's pain.  A miscarriage is horrible but I had hoped that I would escape this one with a little less of the sorrow.  Unrealistic I guess.

D&C on Tuesday is no good.  The surgery center gave my spot to someone else.  I guess that's what happens when you sit on the fence.  It's looking like next Friday is the earliest and I am still not sure what road I will take.  I understand that work should take a back stage but I refuse to miss out on the work things going on next week.  This road has taken too much from me and I won't allow anymore right now.  Stubborn?  Yes probably.

I go in tomorrow for an Ultrasound.  There's no point in doing it except my mind just will not let me rest that there is still a live baby in there.  At the very least we will probably see things smaller and reabsorbing that's what happened last time and maybe that will make the pill vs D&C conversation an easier decision.  On the other hand if things grew...but are still behind then what will that mean.  I guess we'll see.


CoffeeBlue said...

I hate this for you. Sending hugs and keeping you in my thoughts.

hardtobehuman said...

I am so sorry. I didn't get a chance to comment on your previous post, but of my four losses only one required treatment (D&C). I had what I think they call twilight sedation, but it may as well have been general because I remember nothing at all until waking up in recovery. Bleeding was not as bad as I thought (normal period-ish) and the heavy-duty ibuprofen probably would have been sufficient for any pain, but I of course took the vicodin too, because...laying on the couch in sorrow is better with hydrocodone. I hope that whatever you learn tomorrow helps you make this decision. Will be checking back for an update. Big, big hugs...I am so very sorry that you're even having to consider these options.

Anonymous said...

That really bites. I totally hear you re: focusing on work as a remaining area of otherwise elusive control. You should absolutely feel entitled to as many ultrasounds as you need to feel comfortable with what's going on. I always felt vaguely embarrassed, but given all the challenges in interpreting the images, I think there's no harm in putting your mind at rest. I wish I had some sage advice for making it through the aftermath of a miscarriage -- personally, I've oscillated between denial and deep depression. Regardless, please keep us all posted on how you're doing, and sending lots of good thoughts.

conceptionallychallenged said...

I'm so very sorry. I understand the wish to focus on work and not let IF take away even more from you.
Hope tomorrow brings answers.
Thinking of you.