I cried so hard last night I thought I might burst an eyeball or something. It's the first time I've cried. I mean at the US I had a few crocodile tears but I was pretending I was fine. Shrugging my shoulders. Giving DH a little smile. And I've been keeping up that persona all along. So. FINE. I'll admit it. I've been toughing it out thinking I'd been through this before and I can take it. But I can't. The sorrow is just as sorrowful as it's ever been and I feel bad for myself. I don't like to feel this way so I hope it goes as abruptly as it came. I am sitting with it though because I know if I send it away it will just come back later on and torture me all the while. I don't want to diminish anyone's pain. A miscarriage is horrible but I had hoped that I would escape this one with a little less of the sorrow. Unrealistic I guess.
D&C on Tuesday is no good. The surgery center gave my spot to someone else. I guess that's what happens when you sit on the fence. It's looking like next Friday is the earliest and I am still not sure what road I will take. I understand that work should take a back stage but I refuse to miss out on the work things going on next week. This road has taken too much from me and I won't allow anymore right now. Stubborn? Yes probably.
I go in tomorrow for an Ultrasound. There's no point in doing it except my mind just will not let me rest that there is still a live baby in there. At the very least we will probably see things smaller and reabsorbing that's what happened last time and maybe that will make the pill vs D&C conversation an easier decision. On the other hand if things grew...but are still behind then what will that mean. I guess we'll see.