Friday, July 5, 2013

I can't even escape in sleep

I've been dreaming about my miscarriage. Sometimes in my dreams I believe the Dr. has made a huge mistake and there's a healthy embryo in there.  Sometimes I just am sad.  It's pretty close to my waking where I have the same feelings.  I feel very guilty about stopping the progesterone and baby aspirin when I have those moments where I panic that the Dr. was wrong...but then I go back to the calendar and realize that for the embryo to be 6w2d I would have had to ovulate during the same day I got my BFP. But then I panic that science and Dr's don't know everything! But then I realize that the Dr. wouldn't offer a D&C lightly and that yes she does know and if there was a heartbeat then maybe she could have measured incorrectly but there was no little flicker. 

Also some of the "I can't believe I am not going to have children" sorrow is back.  I knew I had put it mostly to bed but this just brings up those feelings again.

A missed miscarriage is so cruel.  It really is.  There should be no such thing in the world.  To be sick and huge sore breasted and be doing everything you can to hold onto a pregnancy and then to have one little Dr. visit rip it from your hands.  It feels very cruel.  Like a cruel joke. 

On a positive note stopping the progesterone has lessened the nausea and my breasts are getting back to normal.  I cancelled my next acupuncture apt and cried when I had to say why.  I let my boss know and cried again. 

Here are some peripheral things this miscarriage took from me (Aside from the immediate dream of this child)
1. I planned a trip for my friends birthdays to Vegas and missed out on the fun during that.
2. I was asked to go to a big trip at work as a reward.  It's next week and in anticipation I cancelled because  I didn't want to miscarry in a foreign country alone.  Looks like that was prudent but still sucks.
3. I went on a trip last week with family and friends and wasn't able to swim, jet ski, hot tub etc.
4.  My sense of well being. 

5.  My sense of wonder
6.  I feel very ugly, bloated, waddly, gross.
7.  Hours I spent googling

In other news, an acquaintance of mine shot herself and a friend who knew her well is struggling to deal with her death, another friend of mine died from cancer this year and I am still trying to come to terms with that.  It was sudden and awful.  We are taking one of our kitties to the vet tomorrow to put him down.  He's at the end.  Having a miscarriage makes all of the above more unbearable than would normally be if possible.  

1 comment:

not undecided said...

All the cuss words. I am so sorry, firstly for your loss, and secondly that it is piled on top of (or underneath?) that giant mountain of other things that are more than hard enough to deal with all on their own. So very sorry. Abiding with you, and hoping the conclusion will be swift and uncomplicated. Seems the least that the stupid universe could do for you.