Monday, July 8, 2013

Still waiting

Still waiting.  No sign of a miscarriage.  Still exhausted although my boobs are not sore anymore and the nausea is pretty much gone.  The fatigue is just too much though.  I requested a D&C and...another US prior just to confirm and quiet my doubting mind.  Hopefully those can be scheduled soon.

I still keep having these dreams that the Dr's made a huge mistake and that there is a twin in there that she missed who is perfectly healthy or that the slow embryo catches up.  It's very disconcerting.  I know it's not possible.  I was there when she looked for anything else.  She even looked at my ovaries and measured the fibroids that are on the outside of my uterus so she looked for a good long while.

I think what's giving me doubts is how absolutely perfect the embryo looked at the last ultrasound.  It was that perfect diamond ring shape you would see at about 6 weeks.  Except I was just shy of 8 weeks and there was no heartbeat.  We've never had that perfect diamond ring shape at least that I ever saw.  During our last miscarriage the US were done at the radiology lab where they don't show you the screen so maybe when we had that heartbeat it looked like that but this is the first time I've seen the yolk sac with the little embryo riding on top of it.  It's hard to see how perfect it looked and believe that something is wrong.  I have moments of guilt for having stopped the baby aspirin and the progesterone.  Then I go back and look at my chart again...and check the dates and realize that it's not possible.

I've also been struggling with guilt.  I feel guilty that I did this again.  My mother said some things that were not all that helpful.  Basically she asked if the Dr thought I should go on the BCP.  Um...Mom DH and I knew what we were doing.  We know how to prevent a pregnancy.  This wasn't purely an accident we weren't using Birth control.  Her - Oh really? Why would you do this to yourself again....She said something else about my age too.  I mean I get where she's coming from.  But why did I do this.  I mean what do you think Mom?  Because wanting a child outweighed all of the other bad stuff, that and I didn't actually think it would happen.  Anyway...guilt.  Maybe this really was a stupid thing to do unless it had gone well.  Then I would have been the smartest 43 year old on the planet and people would have talked about my resilience and the miracle I was open to and shit like that.  But instead since it didn't work out I am kind of dumb and still a failure.  Well Fuck Me.

Friends of mine were on the flight that crashed in SFO.  They are all fine but what a sad event.  I can't help but think their children are going to have some emotional issues after having lived through that.


CoffeeBlue said...

I am so sorry. I wish it wasn't this way.

Jen said...

I am so sorry you are experiencing all of this, but your words about guilt and feelings ring so true for me. I felt the same way as you when I went thru our last miscarriage. We knew what we were doing as BCP and we want a child and it hadn't happened in 7 years so yes we were surprised but so unbelievably happy too. You are not dumb and you are not a failure. No matter how much we try to plan out our lives, it doesn't always go they way we want sadly. Please try not to be hard on yourself, believe what is in your will guide you to where you need to be. Take care of you and big hugs!