Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Another one gone.

I'm sorry I don't have good news.  I really thought this was going to work as much as I prepared myself for it not working I really thought it was.  I didn't realize how much I thought it would work until the US today when it didn't. I wore my lucky earrings.

Everything is where it's supposed to be in the uterus, yolk sac, fetal pole, gestational sac but there's no heartbeat and it only measures 6w2d and that's with the Dr being generous with measurements. Our last US was two weeks ago...14 days and we measured 5W6D.  So we've only had 4 days worth of growth in 14 days.  I'd say that's an unequivocal negative result.

So now I am deciding what to do.  I could handle the hoo ha pills again but DH can't handle watching me go through that much pain and blood loss.  He was in a complete panic the whole time last time.  So my options are wait..or D&C.  I am choosing to wait but I got the Dr to prescribe nausea meds.  No sense being sick if I don't have to.  Since there's no heartbeat I am thinking that maybe the embryo actually petered out a few days ago and my body hasn't caught up yet.  That would mean it will eventually catch up.  The Dr said she'd give me two weeks to miscarry on my own before she wants me to follow up.

I'm handling it better than before.  I'm still terribly sad but I think the element that's missing from this one is the despair over being childless.  I have come to some kind of understanding with myself that being childless will be ok and DH and I will be ok.  So the sadness I'm left to contend with is the loss of this one small being and not the larger despair.  I think that's why this time seems a little easier than prior losses.

Sorry I don't have better news.  I was so sad to tell my mother again.   I almost wished I hadn't told her we were pregnant.  She wants this for us more than anything and it hurts to cause her pain.I didn't tell very many people this time.  Close friends and work because I needed to.   So not too many people to let down.

So off I go to implement Plan A.


Miranda said...

It's taken me a few hours to gather the courage to write a comment...I check in from time to time and have been reading for a few years. I really, REALLY thought this was the one for you. I'm so sorry it wasn't better news. Thinking of you. <3

Mrs. Misfits said...

I am so sorry for this. The symptoms gave me hope that you'd finally catch a break. I don't have anything eloquent to to share, but wanted you to know I was here and thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Oh no. I'm so sorry. I had been reading along for a while and had been so hopeful.
Thinking of you.

Augusta said...

I am so sorry Jennifet. And so sad.

Jen said...

Jennifer...I am so so sorry to hear of your loss. I was so hoping that this little one was going to stick. You have been thru some much...finally coming to terms with being childless and then finding out you are pregnant...a true emotional rollercoaster. My prayers are with you that the "ending" goes as smoothly as possible for you. Big hugs.