I want to kill you...no I want to love you

Ok so there's no way DH and I are going to just "relax and have sex" today or tomorrow for that matter. I want to kill him. Not just him, anyone that crosses my path. I am hormonally jacked right now. The mood swings are diabolical.

Oh and my shot last night - hurt like hell and gave me a bruise. It's punishment for saying the shots didn't hurt on an earlier blog.

My second US is tomorrow, I hope that I am done, and the follies are ready to go and I just have to give myself one more shot, the Ovidrel tomorrow night and I hope this IUI is my last one, and I really, really, hope I actually get pregnant..and then if it's not too much fucking trouble, I'd like to really stay pregnant and have a healthy baby 8 or so months later.

On our date last night DH and I talked about our lives post IF treatments. i.e. next year. It went like this.

"Well if we are pregnant then next year we will ...." actually we didn't get very far with this one. It's just too painful.

but this one

"Well if we do the IUI and then next month we prepare for IVF (possibly do another injectable IUI in the meantime, then do the IVF then if all of that doesn't work. Then we are done right? We are finished, shop closed? Yes? OK. Then we can put this behind us. Maybe we will go to Vegas to see my brother compete in the Beer pong tournament (I'm not kidding) and I am going to start running again, maybe I can do a half marathon? and we can maybe plan that trip to Italy we've been talking about? your sister keeps asking when we are going to go to Hawaii, and I am going to get my resume going, maybe find something new to do? and maybe you can go back to school?"

I have struggled with this over the last few days. As hard as stopping is going to be if that's what it comes to. Going forward is just too hard. I can't do it, I need a Hard Stop to this madness. There is just not enough hope left in the hopper. I am down to the dregs and I think it will be just enough to get me through the next three months of treatments. If this doesn't work I am quitting. There's something comforting in that, but also something so sad I can't even put words to it.

If one is good four are even better.

My ultrasound apt this morning went very well. Two follicles on the right, 11 and 10 mm. Two follicles on the left both around 8mm.

I will continue with the 150IU gonal f each night and go back on Monday morning, potentially I will trigger that night and either do the IUI on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Now if anyone has any tips for DH and his "sample" that would be great. I am really worried that it is going to go the way it did the last time (cancelled IUI due to no sample and timed intercourse, which didn't happen because we were both so angry). I even asked if he wanted to do it at the Dr office to take the commute stress out of it but he was completely against it. Fingers crossed it goes more smoothly.

On another note, the Co worker who I had mentioned in this previous blog post Wishful Thinking , is and was in fact pregnant. It's annoying how good my radar is for that.

Shots, Schmotts

Well I did my shot(s) yes Shots...last night. I forgot to prime the pen and I wound it up to 150 and then realized I hadn't primed...so I primed it from there and then there was only 112.5 in the pen so I had to give myself two shots..Nice start. I was a little flustered.

Except. It didn't even hurt. I have a nice little fatty area on my belly :) and I think that's what has made it so easy. I wasn't even that pissed that I had to do a second shot.

I am getting ready to do my shot for tonight and then tomorrow and Thursday and then I go in for an US on Friday.

I am hoping we do the Ovidrel trigger early and can do the IUI early, since I've read online that sometimes the Gonal F causes early maturation of follicles *This cycle is a test run for IVF, although, hopeful as ever I want this to be it and not have to go to IVF* My Dr wanted to do a test run of the medications since she is not sure how I will respond. She likes to do it this way so that when we move to IVF she has a better picture of what she might have to tweak, add etc to the drug cocktail and then there's less chance of cancellation etc. Whatever sounded good enough to me.

That's all for now, I did get a massive headache awhile after the shot, but that could have been a cold symptom. I still haven't been able to shake that. Other than that I haven't had any adverse symptoms from the shots.

Thanks to all the ladies who told me I would get used to it and it wouldn't be that bad. You were all right and I kept telling myself that when I was getting ready to do it last night. Tonight should be much easier.

On to the next one

Day 3 started off like any other day...except the getting wanded part.

I peed on another stick. Just for good measure.

Wanding:
Thin lining, no cysts. That thin lining part concerns me. I only had one day of bleeding then nothing yesterday then a slight bit today. That can't be good.

Start Gonal F tonight 150IU

Show up for day 7 US Friday morning.

Wore a mask in the RE office, to keep my stupid cold germs to myself. Felt very gross and contagious. A young woman actually moved away from me when a chair became available. Not that I blame her but it stung a tiny bit.

Meds arrived this morning. Here's a hypothetical. If you were the receptionist at a smallish company and you signed for a box that said "Open immediately, contents require refrigeration" What would you do? A. Throw it in the mailroom with all of the rest of the packages and email the recipient? B. Call the recipient? C. Just throw it in the mailroom and go to lunch not letting anyone know it had arrived?

As you can see the bitterness from Saturday has not gone away. It's lessened but still there, and I expect to have some choice words to throw out when I open up my meds tonight to get started...although with no clear direction to point them in...humpf.

I hate this shit.

Well it's done. I started bleeding this morning or sometime last night. Of course I didn't realize it until I had peed on another stick, oh well what's one more in the scheme of things.

This is how I feel....Fuck, Motherfucker, shit, stupid fuck, son of a bitch, stupid fucker..I am saying "Fuck You" as well but without any clear direction to point that particular swear in it is somewhat impotent, pun intended.

Sorry - I hope that doesn't offend but those are the words that are coming out of my mouth. It is a very bitter, bitter day. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently but today I hate everything.

This was my morning:
I had a really bad sleep because of my cold, I couldn't sleep with my mouth closed, so I kept waking up with that really bad dry mouth, trying to clear my nose by blowing which just made my ears hurt, then giving up and taking a sip of water and trying to go back to sleep.

Finally at 4:30 I had to pee. Went and peed on peestick finished up - saw the bleeding. Said "Fuck". Still checked pee stick, negative. White as white can be.

4:35 Decided to just go lay on the couch until it became a decent hour so that the Mr could at least get some sleep.

4:45 I had made sourdough bread the night before and had left it in the oven to rise, so I decided to pull it out and finish making the loaf for the second rise. It looked good, so I dumped it on the counter and it was too wet and gooey and I got dough all over my hands and the floor and the wall and the loaf is probably going to be garbage since I think it rose too much. Cried a little and said "I can't fucking do anything right"

5:15 Decided to get a cup of warm water with lemon and honey. Just finished making said drink and dumped it on the floor. More "FUCK, fuck me, what the fuck? Can I just have my fucking hot drink?" I wonder if DH is still sleeping?

6:00 Decided to make real coffee since that may be the only bright spot in the morning.

7:30 Waited patiently for 8am to call REF clinic. Then realized I could just leave a message.

7:31 Left Message.

8:15 REF called back. Talked to Nurse about choice of injections. I said "since the Dr told me it doesn't matter which one I choose, I choose Gonal F for ease of use" She said "Oh the Dr has it in her chart that she wants you to use Follistim." "Fine, for FUCKS sake"(I didn't really say that out loud) Asked nurse if it was going to be an issue that I am sick. She wasn't sure. Will leave a message for Dr.

8:20 Talked to Reception to schedule US for Monday. I am so looking forward to that....AGAIN...Seriously? FUCK!

Meds ordered, US scheduled, Moping on the couch commenced, watching pay per view movies, along with eating which I do not feel even remotely bad about. I am going to do whatever the fuck I want to do today and I don't care.

The false security of testing

I hate HPT's. They never give me the answer I want. Still negative and I had a temp drop today, not below coverline, but a drop neverthless. So what do these two things tell me? NOTHING..I might have been cold this morning, I did notice that I had kicked off the covers and my arms were icy. So it could mean nothing. I may be testing too early(although I used the super sensitive tests that have a diclaimer on them that they may pick up hcg in non pregnant pre menopause women)

Or it could mean that my temps are dropping, and I will start a new cycle in a day or two.

It's enough to make me lose my mind.

I am almost tempted to call and get my meds ordered for next cycle..otherwise I risk day 1 starting on a Sunday..which will delay the meds getting to me on time. That's annoying.

***Also forgot to mention - I checked into the IVF trial. I am excluded because I have had too many losses. Really I don't know how they are going to find anyone for the study, since the exclusions would have excluded anyone I know of who would actually need IVF.

Here's a bit more info "clinical study comparing the investigational drug corifollitropin alfa to Follistim for ovarian stimulation during in vitro fertilization (IVF).

Currently, IVF treatment employs daily injections of recombinant Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) to induce development of multiple follicles in the ovaries. An experimental medication, corifollitropin alfa, is also given for this purpose, but with fewer injections required. Corifollitropin alfa is approved for use in Europe but not in the United States. "

If I didn't know better...

So it seems the universe has decided to screw with my head.

I had spotting yesterday, and thought I was done and got very sad and then realized...it's CD 22! I have never had a cycle that short...and the next time I went to the ladies room no more spotting and none since...Hmmmmm....Trying not to get too excited. I took a test this am and it's BFN(of course I scrutinized the test strip under different lighting, at different angles..SIGH).

I am also sick, which is another "let's screw with my head" symptom. For three of my pregnancies I got sick immediately with sinus pressure and cough and cold symptoms. I can go back and look at my symptom spreadsheets for two of them (yes..I am a geek) and there it is plain as day. Cold symptoms. The second pregnancy which lasted the longest, I ended up with bronchitis and on an inhaler and was sick for another few months afterward. I've had my pertussis shot this year but haven't gotten a flu shot yet...work is having them in a couple of weeks :(

It's a mild cough and sore throat and I know it doesn't definitively point to pregnancy and neither does the spotting point to that elusive implantation bleeding...but I have to admit I am optimistic. Hopefully I can hold it together for a couple more days...oh who am I kidding I will probably test this afternoon, and tomorrow....

Ping Pong with my thoughts

8DPO....and I've been lobbing the fear over the net all day..It's getting exhausting..I'm afraid I am not pregnant, I'm afraid I am and am going to miscarry again. So I keep trying to picture how I want things to go, not sure if that will help but I keep trying to do it so that my stress level will stay low.

On another note, I contacted a local clinic about a Research trial they are doing...it's free IVF meds and treatment for one cycle. Apparently it's a nationwide trial of a new IVF drug...I guess it can't hurt to check it out. The requirements are long but I meet them all I think. Age range is 35 - 42 which is older than these usually go.

What do you ladies think? If I am qualified for the trial, is this a wise thing to do?

I just think it would give us at least two chances for IVF where right now when we get to that we can only afford one. Doubles our chances.

I'm waiting....somewhat patiently. 5DPO today. Nothing to do, no test to run, no symptoms to obsess over. I mean I am obsessing but I am firmly telling myself to ignore anything going on until end of next week.

So I am being productive, cooking hearty soup for our lunches next week, and making sourdough bread from starte, my new obsession...and waiting. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

In other news, I had my therapy apt and we talked some more about wrapping up and how that would go. Then this lovely lady says. "You know we will need to think about saying goodbye and what that will feel like" and that just killed me. I started bawling like a small child. She has been a mothers voice for me for years now. You know the one, kind, wise, sympathetic, reassuring, sometimes firm but always kind. Something I didn't get much of growing up. It's going to be a hard hard goodbye. How will I ever thank her and what will I do without her?

Injecting flesh like disks with strangers.

I spent the afternoon learning how to inject a flesh looking disk with three types of injectables. Two pens and one you mix that just seems like way too much trouble and lots of waste..a new syringe every time and lots of vials, plus I was obsessed with bubbles in the syringe and had to finally ask..to my embarassment...if I should worry about these tiny champagne like bubbles(A glass of bubbly sounds so good right now). She of course said not to obsess. FAT CHANCE!

Anyway. I know which one i am leaning towards..if we need to do it(see how I still have crazy hope after all I've been through that tells me to think otherwise) It's the Gonal F. The nurse even said her "Computer People" liked it. Stick a needle on the end, dial it up and POW you're all set.

Now to just get through the next 12 days to see if anythings happening in the old uterus so that maybe I don't have to inject myself at all.."hello"..."sound of crickets"

On another note, chick and chicken (my chickens) are doing really great. They were getting really noisy in the morning. Bad mother that I am :) I had trained them to expect to see me in the morning because when we first got them I was so excited about them I ran out every chance I got. So to stop that I actually sneak out at night after they go up into their house and put a treat(apples, lettuce, etc) down in their pen so that when they get up in the morning they are distracted. Brilliantly it works...unless they hear me in the house. So I have to be super quiet when I get ready :)

Ugh I hate FB

Just logged on to Facebook, taking a break from the daily grind...to find my beautiful ex coworker was tagged in pics and lo and behold she's pregnant! She had a beautiful wedding not long ago and now things are moving right along as they should... Great. Jealousy rears it's ugly head....yet again.

I feel like I need to do an update, but there's not much to tell.**now that I've finished the post, this seems comical so I left it in**

I've spent the last few days really working on my relationship. "Timed intercourse" doesn't do much for a marriage as I'm sure you know. Good news is, all the extra work I did had a positive ripple effect. DH is feeling good, we had some great conversations, and we had lots of...well you know. Only one of those "sessions" felt forced and that was the morning after my Ovulation predictor test strip turned positive. It was truly awful ;) Neither one of us had any interest and it was more clinical than my IUI's! At least we were able to talk about it.

The food issue, well it's under control for now..It's a work in progress.

At my last therapy apt I got some news that's made me realize I can't coast anymore. I am not going to have this great lady to lean on much longer. Insurance is cutting me off. It seems my seeing her is no longer "medically necessary". Which to be honest is true. I have been very lucky they've covered me for as long as they have and it doesn't mean I can't go back at some point if things really go downhill and I can always pay my own way. We have a few more sessions to wrap up and I am realizing I really need to make these tools she's given me into habits. I really need to make sure that I incorporate these into my life. So in that spirit I am going to set that intention to all of you. I think if I put it down in writing and tell all of you, it will ingrain it more in my grey matter.

Meditation is one. For me it's more sitting quietly with my own thoughts, breathing, relaxing, and not judging all of the million thoughts that come into my brain. It's also about setting intentions for myself, and seeing myself do them in a positive way. Kind of giving myself a different perspective from the one where nothing works out :).

Exercise is another..Eeeks. I actually enjoy exercise, but I've learned on those down days it's the anxiety and habit that keeps me from doing it. So I am going to set my intention and just do it :)

Seeing people as "interesting". When I am down or having a hard time, it is very easy for me to think of people as scary. The idea is that I am to try and see people for the story they have to tell. Like reading a good book. My goal is to scratch the surface, and find commonality with the people I interact with and to not shy away from those interactions. I've been doing a really great job with this for awhile...and you know what, people are fascinating!

So three things to work on while I WAIT. According to my OPK and the BBT chart I am 1DPO. Woohoo! I am going to try to focus on my goals, and try to imagine this will all work out.

I think my biggest fear, and DH's is that we do get pregnant...and lose another one. We said it out loud to each other yesterday and now we are going to put it away because really, what can we do about it? I guess right now we are choosing to Hope.

Emily Dickinson

Hope is a thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings a tune without words
And never stops at all.

And sweetest, in the gale, is heard
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That keeps so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea
Yet, never, in extremity
It ask a crumb of me.

Same Old Same Old

Not much has changed. The eating struggle continues. I am trying to not beat myself up about it, but I have to admit to moments of despair. I know it's not what's best for my health.

Work is not helping. I had some really long days Monday and Tuesday and a long day yesterday. Today I was able to work from home, which had it's good and bad....at lunchtime I made a pan of brownies. I didn't eat them all, not even half and this is how I am measuring my success :) now. I do feel sick though. Hmpf.

I am temping every morning, and doing OPK. I started early because who knows really when I ovulate any more. So far they have been negative.

I switched to decaf, and cut out wine (had a couple of glasses last night) but am teetotaling for the rest of the cycle.

I am taking my vitamin and am going to get back on the walking wagon...I fell off this week, but really where would I have fit it in?

I'm also exhausted and short tempered...I know (from extensive therapy) that I am depressed. Not severely so, but it's there. I just hope I can hold it all together. I am trying to keep my schedule clear on the weekends, to give me time to just relax and putter around the house and get my bearings and I have this good friend who just can't sit still. She always wants to be doing and going and exploring. She is driving me crazy. :) I just want to be left alone. I don't want to talk, I don't want to go to concerts etc. I just want to be. Anyone else feel that way. It's almost like focusing on work, home and IF is all I can do...that aspect sucks.

My trip overseas got pushed back to December. So hopefully I will have figured out what I am doing by then and I go for injectable training next week...finally! but I am hoping I never have to use the training.

Stuffing it down

I've been eating...a lot...

I know this place it's very familiar and even in an fairly safe place such as this it pains me to admit it. My child hood was less than stellar. At my Mothers house food was scarce, not because we were poor but because she was too drunk to shop or cook. When she did cook it was damn near inedible. Her husband at the time was a tyrant, abusive in many ways to all in the house... At that time police were not required to take action in domestic cases so every time they sent us home for more abuse, I ended up trusting no one, and realizing that help was coming from nowhere.

When things got intolerable(he knocked my mother unconscious and set her car on fire to name a few), I begged my father(and his new family) to let me live with him and finally I was old enough to decide who I wanted to live and convince a judge and I moved in with my dad (about 12 years old), I hid food under my bed, in my closet etc. and ate as much as I could every chance I got and got hell for it when caught. It was both to make sure I got enough and to numb what I had been through. No one really understood it was just something they thought that had to be brow beaten out of me. To say the least I have had issues with food since but in recent years, probably the last 10, the issues have been a low hum, easily managed.

Every once in awhile, BAM, it rears it's ugly head.

I know why I am doing it, I know basically how to stop doing it..and I have been pulling out every tool in my toolbox...but then I sink back in. Why? It feels good. It gives me something else to think about. It numbs the pain. It makes me feel productive(the cooking not necesarily the eating). As odd as it sounds it gives me control over something. It's my attempt to pretend it's all not happening.

It didn't work when I was 12 and it's not working now.

It's just one more thing to worry about. I feel like I got derailed by last month. It's so strange. I knew it wasn't going to work, but I wanted it to work so badly and after much thought and some journaling now I know why. It's not just that months failure. It's the fact that each failure extends the journey. A journey I would much rather put behind me. In fact if I could wave a wand and make it go away I would. So starting to "try" again means that I can't pretend this isn't happening to me. I know how silly that sounds...but a part of me thinks it should have gone a different way, and if I just try hard enough I can meet up with that other me, on that other path and join her, putting all of the horror and dissappointment behind me.

I mean is this really what happened to me?

This is happening to me. This is happening to me. This is happening to me. Maybe if I say it enough I can accept it, and stop trying to stuff it down with donuts, crackers, cheese, strawberry rhubarb pie and slice after slice of bread. This is the hand I've been dealt and it's shitty.

Maybe the next hand will be better.