Balancing a negative with a positive.

Since yesterdays post was so decidedly negative I thought I might do a post about what I am thankful for today. :)

My husband and I live in Northern California and the weather here is really great. It makes me happy that I no longer have to shovel snow or drive on ice.

I have two chickens...and that may seem like a strange one but it is awesome. I like everything about it, I think maybe I should have gone into animal husbandry or something. I'm also thankful that they are both healthy after our scare over the summer.

I have three cats...it may seem like a lot to some, but I did only have two and then a stray "chose" me and I can't not be happy about it. I always have someone to snuggle when I get home from work. Someone is always happy to see me. :)

I have a good job. Frustrating at times but good. My DH and I have not been too impacted by the economy other than furlough for him (knock on wood) and in that respect we have been very very lucky and I am thankful.

I have good family and friends...clueless they may be but they love me and that's nothing to sneeze at.

I have no major health issues (besides the ONE big one that the blog is about). I can run and jump and read and hear and eat etc and I am very thankful for that.

I have access to a wonderful therapist.

I have access to a wonderful support group here online.

I can choose to eat healthy, organic, locally grown, grassfed, etc. I don't always choose to do so, but I have the means and the willpower to and for the most part choose it.

So when all is said and done I am a lucky girl and today that's what I am focused on.

I ordered a big pack of Ovulation predictor tests and some pre seed which I've read about online and had a serious conversation with DH about what we both expect this month...and off we go!

Thank you so much for all of your support and kind words, I can't tell you how much better it makes me feel to read what you've written.

Angry is an ugly feeling

I'm angry and this is not going to be a pretty post and tomorrow I may be ashamed that I felt this way but at least if I put it down here, maybe it won't flow out into work or tonights dinner, or phone conversations. There's no nice way to say it. I'm not just angry about this cycle. I knew that was a long shot. I'm angry about the whole thing. All the years. WTF?

This is what makes it so hard to continue down this path. Giving up feels like a tree lined path to serenity...a lonely one..but that's the price.

Lately when I fail to concieve (anger over a miscarriage is another anger altogether) I end up directing my anger to:

My husband(Why can't he get 100% on board, why can't he bring on the enthusiasm sometimes, why can't he make the decisions, the apts, take some of the tests, the pills, the shots? Why does he look at me with that deer in the headlights blank stare when I ask him what he thinks our next step should be? Why won't he even consider adoption, donor eggs, embryo adoption, foster parenting? Why do I once again have to be the one that says ok let's keep going with what feels like a lead weight on my back? Why was he angry at me all night how dare he after what I've been through?)

To my mother (what did she do when she carried me to make my uterus screwed up)

To my parents(step parents included)(why did they give such a piss poor example of relationships that it took me until my late 30's to trust anyone enough to marry them.)

To my fertile family and friends (Just who the fuck do they think they are with their birthday, christening, baby shower, facebook picks and videos, happy celebration announcements, and then the inevitable "you are so lucky Jen, you are free and it's so hard blah blah blah"? F You!)

To my friends who just can't get it. "You have to keep trying Jen or you may regret it" and then in the same conversation.."We are all flying to location A, you should come" Well if I do keep trying, I need to be near Dr so I can get a wand shoved up my hoo hoo, and I don't know if I can take hypodermic needles on a plane and if I happen to be pregnant when said trip happens, Dr won't let me go in case I have another ectopic and my tube ruptures at 20,000 feet I will bleed to death before the pilot can land. Can you please understand that? You've been with me through these 2+ years. You came over the day the Dr told me that a Cornual ectopic could kill me even if I was already in the hospital because the blood loss would be catastrophic and I had to decide to get a shot of posion to end it. Can someone please stay with me here. I can't keep having these conversation. But yet you want me to keep going, continuing is going to require more sacrifice, more pain, more discomfort, it's going to mean I miss work and trips, and can't drink and if you ask me about why one more fing time I might just freak out and go on prozac or zoloft or whatever's available and say fuck it to the whole thing. Except I'm the one that has to live with that decision.

There is a stupid commercial on TV now. It's the one where the little girl is sitting with her grandmother and saying how much she loves her and it's a lovely little commercial except it's not, it's fucking horrible. The tagline is something like "Family is everything" and I find it so offensive right now I can hardly hold myself back from screaming at the television. Because if family is everything then I am looking at a future of nothing.

I hope tomorrow is a less bitter day.

Stick a fork in me

I think I'm done.

Another negative test and slight bit of spotting this morning. It's day 29. I guess I could have ovulated really late, but we would have probably missed the window then since the last time we BD'd was day 16. I mean I know they say sperm can live for 5 days but...seems unlikely in my imperfect world.

In my other three pregnancies I had a positive test by day 25. Although it has occured to me in the last couple of days that those were not viable pregnancies so maybe I shouldn't be looking to them for what to expect...

So there we are. Now I just have to figure out how to work in this trip with another cycle. I either do it as quickly as possible, get all of my vaccinations and go, or plan it out at the end of the year and if I get pregnant in the meantime I tell them I can't go? Any ideas for me? I can't figure out how I am going to fit an injectable cycle in here before the end of the year. *@&#%&@#$*&!!!!

I'm ok. I'm really working on not spiraling down into the negative. It takes a lot of energy to question the thoughts around, I will never get pregnant again. It's exhausting.

I'm irritated that I was so lost this cycle. I guess I can really never go back to the attitude of "just let it happen" because it doesn't f'ing happen. I need the charting and the positive OPK and the Ultrasounds so I know what the hell is going on. The ambiguity was torture.

So out comes my BBT thermometer and my notepad and pen. And I am buying the 20 pack of OP's as I get ready to get back in line for round two.

It's interesting though how far I am distancing myself from the sadness that usually comes. After one failed IUI I cried off and on for an entire week. It's a dissapointment this time, frustration surely but no sadness. I wonder what that's about. I'm too jaded now to cry?

Cautious

I don't know what is going on...it's seriously messing with my mind.

I haven't had a cycle this long in over a year.

I tested again yesterday morning with the stupid test that is supposed to tell you six days early. Still negative.

I still haven't gotten my period and my boobs are getting sore now.

I am probably just having a long cycle, or maybe I didn't ovulate at all and it is throwing things off but it's really messing with my head. I go back and forth between maybe I am and the test was wrong, or I ovulated really late...and realizing that the test should have probably picked something up by now right?

Ugh..so annoying. I am very impatient. I keep trying to relax and forget about it. I decided not to even test today and I might not even test tomorrow. Maybe just wait until it's really really late and then maybe I will believe the negative result and not still wonder.

So I am still holding.

The other pain in the neck thing is that work wants me to go overseas to asia to do some training and I want to know if I am or am not pregnant because if I am I can't go where they want me to go on the off chance that I have another ectopic or miscarriage and because of the vaccinations I'd need etc. So I need to get that figured out. If I'm not and I have to go it will also throw off the next month of trying - we will have to wait until I get back. So here I am again with this mess impacting my work. They are not going to be happy if I say I can't go...of course that won't keep me from hoping that I am pregnant....Hoping and Hoping and Hoping that this mind F*&K has a positive outcome...sorry if that offends anyone...I'm a bit frazzled.

Still Holding

Still negative, the test not me, still waiting.

Fertility earrings deployed and to describe them, they are about two inches tall and are a goddess of some sort - I am not sure what religious belief they are from but they do stand out and are not the usual sort of earrings I would wear. I gave the friend who gave them to me a long look at the time but desperate times and all that ;)

She also gave me a Baby rattle that she bought which has a design on it that summons healing. I've also brought that out, not to "rattle" it but because of what she wrote in the note when she gave it to me. Here's the note below:

"Hey, I got this for you while in the Grand Canyon from a Navajo lady. Ok...I got it for the baby you will have someday. Now that I am reading the slip of paper it says it's a ceremonial healing rattle....So I'm giving it to you (for now). It's a nice sound. Kind of reminds me of a meditation gong and how you're supposed to focus on it and not let your thoughts wander to the negative. This rattle is not supposed to make you feel bad. I only want positive thoughts when you hear or see it. It's a bell to summon good luck and healing. Meditate on current "good" things and be open to many things in better forms! Different forms too. LYMI"

LYMI means Love you mean it.

It's nice to read her positive message when I feel down and can't summon my own. The note, not the rattle is the real gift :) I read it and almost believe that it's true. She's a good friend if you can't tell.

Here's to believing it will happen for all of the ladies who want it and deserve it so badly.

And...

I pulled out some fertility goddess earrings a friend had given me and am wearing them. So apparently some part of me is hoping that the test this morning was wrong and I am grasping at straws (or earings as the case may be) Who knows, it can't hurt.

Looks like we have another....

Loser.

I tested today I will test again, but I used the early response test and it was negative and I feel that my period is imminent. I will probably get it before it's time to test again.

It was a nice thought that I'd get pregnant right out of the gate from surgery but it was very unlikely.

I don't feel that disappointed, but that may be because I have been vigilantly preparing myself for that result. That doesn't mean it won't hit me at some inappropriate time where I am in front of a lot of people and not wanting to bawl my eyes out but for now I am ok.

I am supposed to call today to get the injectables ordered so that I have them in time for day 3 ....but I don't want to. (Insert childish tone with a foot stomp) Mostly because I just don't want to. I don't want to inject myself...how silly. The other part is that DH's job is in jeopardy and we just got a bill from the surge center for $1000 that insurance didn't cover. I mean I am glad they covered most of it but that $1000 is a round of injectables.

Is it bad that I am planning to coast this month? I feel ok with the decision but then in the pit of my stomach I realize I am just putting off the inevitable possibly risking that one cycle that would hit it correctly and getting older and less fertile (if that's even possible) with every passing hour.

Well I think I may just be making a decision by not making a decision. I think I will stock up on the online cheapie ovulation tests and just test every day for the next month to see if I ovulate at all. I either missed it (testing for 14 days, all negative and $60+ in) or it didn't happen this month.

I got up really early and started working this am, couldn't sleep and DH came into the study and gave me a really long hug and said he was sorry. You can't get a better husband than that but I am biased ;)

*PS...I have stopped commenting on some sites where the ladies are pregnant. I am not 100% sure why, but part of it is that I feel like bad luck, so please know that I am still reading, but I am keeping my bad mojo far away.

All over the place

That's what this blog will be, kind of like my mind right now.

First I had the craziest dream last night. I was at a hotel with a bunch of people We were all there for something..Not sure what but during this time I was pregnant and I had to have my first US and it wasn't my Dr and she made me recline with my head way down towards the floor so she could get a good image. She said, "You know how much trouble we had last time." Then she starts the US and says "Oh there it is in exactly the right spot", and she shows me on the screen and it's a baby, but it has wings...not like angels wings although today that's what comes to mind, but in the dream they were bird wings and I said can you fix that because I think it will be hard for a kid to have wings. I don't remember what she said. Then the rest of the dream was me trying to find my husband and I kept running in to other friends and aquaintances and they knew where i had been so they wanted to know what had happened and I kept running away because I wanted to tell my husband first.

I don't know how to interpret it, I think I am trying not to.

Second I went to Toys R Us today to get a gift for a nieces birthday and I was completely overwhelmed and people were getting on my nerves and it's at times like these that I think to myself, "Really, this is what I want for myself "(all of the commercialism and toys etc) but then after I left I was able to talk myself down a little. One of my major fears is that I will struggle and struggle to have a child, finally get one and realize that it was a bad idea and that it will ruin my life and I will be a bad bad mother..it's silly...I know, I know.

Third I want to eat everything in sight. I am super hungry, which is my body preparing for pregnancy, it's what everyone goes through at PMS time. I just want to believe it's already happened and that's why I want to eat.

Here's what I know.

I could be pregnant but it's statistically not likely. It's so hard to write that but I feel I need to do it since at these times I am very good at convincing myself otherwise and it is a big fall from that place to a negative test result and my period.

I want a baby, a family and there are lots of good reasons that I want it. I will do my best to be a good mother but there will likely be days I will be tired and I want my freedom back and that's a normal feeling and won't make me a bad mother.

My dream was my way of processing all that's going on and the bird wings are my fears that even when it happens something will be wrong. Not surprising considering.

I don't know what the point of this post is...maybe just to get it all out.

Officially Obsessed

Well it's official I am again obsessed with signs and symptoms that I couldn't possibly feel at day 18 especially considering I've probably just ovulated.

1. I have heartburn, (couldn't possibly be the chinese food I had last night)
2. I'm especially tired (couldn't be the long hours and Conference I attended starting on Sunday)
3. Boobs are sore (Happens every month)
4. Tummy is bloated and tight (again, see chinese food above)
5. I have lost my mind and can't focus on anything other than the fact that in a fertile world having intentional sex leads to pregnancy (which is not true anyway...I think it's something like 25% even in the other world)

Humpf. Will spend the next 8 days or so(Dr said I can test at day 26 trying to not obsess while still remembering not to have a cocktail and to take my vitamins.

Also need to get commenting..This really has been a rough week and I am finally caught up enough that I am able to post and perhaps read some posts :)

Stupid lack of smiley face

I hate peeing on sticks and am addicted to it at the same time. It's a vicious cycle. I bought the souped up OPK's that either give you an empty circle...how fitting...or a smiley face. Well I used all 7 and no smiley face for me and the stupid things were expensive. Today is day 14 which would have meant O sometime around day 16 and the OPK was still negative so that means day 17 at the earliest. I only have 25 to 26 day cycles so the Luteal phase wouldn't be long enough. Just one more thing to worry about. I have progesterone to start but now I am not sure when to start taking it as I am supposed to take it after O...will be calling the Dr tomorrow.

This unmedicated and unmonitored cycle has left me unmoored and afloat in a sea of uncertainty. I didn't remember how comforting it is to have an Ovidrel shot and an Ultrasound to guide your way.

Maybe rather than continue to feed my habit by buying more sticks I should just go with the flow this time. Yeah right :( I should have been temping, and all the other crap but I didn't. Now I don't know, I just don't know when to "do it".

The one good thing that's been going on is I have my mojo back in the bedroom. It had flown the coop for many months possibly even year(s) if I want to be honest. I don't know if it was the hormone cocktail from last month (which gave me a mustache by the way) or something else but Mr Chick is getting tired :)

I'm not alone in this

I read a beautiful aricle in the new Oprah. It was a story about miscarriage and infertility written by the husband. I read it while I was having my coffee this morning and bawled my eyes out. I searched for it online but can't find it.

It was unexpected to find a story like that in a magazine, it's not often we get to see this journey portrayed in such a public way.

I'm (still) astonished to find that I am not alone, that these sorrows are real and should be acknowledged.

The article was talking about after a miscarriage how everything is harder, and you are tired and disoriented and depressed and anxious and sad.

I felt all of these things but still went to work and tried to keep up the rest of my life, my husband and I didn't talk about it. My friends didn't really want to talk about it. Family didn't acknowledge it. People wanted to tell me it was for the best, it wasn't really a baby, I could try again.

These were major events and sorrows in my life and I am finally feeling as if I can acknowledge and accept the turmoil and pain that ensued. The sorrow I still feel. Finally able to put words around it.

It was a tragedy that I lost my three babies. No matter how early it happened. It was a tragedy and it made me sad. It hurt my heart. I will be ok. I will go on with my life but it did happen.

Sometimes I am surprised that I am healing and there's a tense spot that pops up as I begin the journey again. Waiting for and expecting the worst. I'll just keep redirecting that energy as much as I can to what I hope to have happen because ultimately I don't have control over the outcome but at least I can try to help myself control the panic.

I can get some...Satisfaction

I had my follow up apt after my surgery. It was the strangest but somehow the most satisfying apt that I had and not only for me but for my Dr also. She actually high fived me, a high five with a hand squeeze. :)

The apt also started off kind of strangely. I have been going to the Clinic for about a year now and have only once seen a small child and at that apt the husband took the child for a walk down the block. There are never any babies, or obviously pregnant women. This is a true fertility clinic and all the pregnant ladies "graduate" back to their OB's at the point they are still too early to tell.

SO I walk in, ask the receptionist if I am supposed to have a full bladder or not(I for the life of me could not remember) and then sat down. Immediately a young woman came in with a tiny, tiny baby in a car seat. I was curious...started to think about why she would be here..started to wonder about her story, I mean she's at the fertility clinic so there must be a story. So then my Dr comes out and they hug and chat for a bit and there's some emotion from the woman and from our Dr turns out she is there to show our Dr the fruits of their labor :) in every sense of the word. I teared up but it wasn't from jealousy or sadness but just for the sheer joy of it. As odd as it sounds it was a lovely start to my apt.

Then I went in and got ready for my sonohysterogram to make sure I was all good from the surgery. My Dr did the test and there was some cramping, I think she asked me 100 times if I was ok. Cause that's how she is. Then...and this is the best part...she said "Good Good Good, wonderful!" and the Nurse was taking stills of the US images..then she High fived me! It was so great. It was a "yeah we did it, finally somethings going right and I am really happy for you" high five and a "I think I did a stellar job with the surgery" high five for her.

Then we talked about my options and she said that we should definitely "try" this cycle and if that doesn't work I have a plan for next cycle, an injectable IUI cycle which if that doesn't work at least will tell her how I respond to injectables for an IVF cycle.

So all in all a very satisfying apt. From start to finish.

A good sign or a really annoying side effect?

So this is a warning *This post contains TMI* so skip down to the last two paragraphs unless you want to see the gory details.

It's cycle day three of my first cycle after my surgery and I have never bled like this during a period. I am talking full on flow. I've never had this. Never. (I've had this type of bleeding after the surgery and after my miscarriages but not period related) Which in some ways is comforting..you know maybe there was something to this septum and not enough blood flow thing...

On the other hand...IT's not all that fun to be flowing this heavy. I'm not used to it. I am 30 years in to this menstrual cycle thing and I thought I knew what was what. I ran to the ladies room today sure I had either wet myself or bled through what I was wearing...I finally get what the SUPER tampons are for!

So my thought is, this is a good sign. That I could possibly if I could get pregnant actually nourish it. At least that's my hopeful thought. My unhopeful thoughts are more along the lines of "I am hemorhaging internally and not fully healed" Even so, I feel like this much blood could nourish a pregnancy perhaps even three.

So that's where we stand. I go in next Wed for a Sonohysterogram to see what's what. Then we "try". (I actually had a conversation with DH about if he would be ready to try when it is time to try and would it be too much stress and should I tell him we are trying or what if he said he was tired but that was the day and should I then tell him....can't believe the conversations we've had through this.)

When I called to schedule the apt for next Wed the nurse asked if this was for IVF and I felt myself get a little irritated. I guess even now I haven't given up on the fantasy that I won't have to do IVF although I am sure that when faced with no other options I will cling to IVF like a woman drowning. I also think I got bumped to a bad apt because I said no. Usually the office is more than accomodating and I had to reschedule a work mtg so I could get the only apt available to me this month. The nurse asked me if I wanted to wait out this cycle and get the test done next cycle. IS SHE MAD? I think I said NO very emphatically.

Here's an unrelated question, Do you think fertile women complain more about their children than infertile women who finally get their children? In my life the fertiles all just tell me how hard it all is and I am just so depressed for them, seriously do they know how lucky they are..and I'm not talking a friend telling me she's tired or saying it's hard...I am talking about the martyrs to motherhood that every conversation is about the sacrifices they are making...I have one at work (a fertile) who since coming back from maternity works about four hours a day, online shops and plans daycare and vacations for about two more and then leaves the office while the rest of us slog away for a 10 hour day. She always gives the impression that her life is terribly hard and she is a martyr.

So I finally plan to take a day off tomorrow to run errands get some things done take some me time and this one has the nerve (after she came into the office at 12 and was leaving at five) to say that she "wished" she could take a day off to take care of errands but she was SOOOOOO busy with her child and with work she has no time for herself anymore...said with a pained sigh. This as I was still working at 9.5 hours put in already. Give me a fucking break lady. I was so shocked I stood with mouth hanging open and said not a word...I have lots of words now of course a bit too late. ;)